Dot Hack Resident Fangirl
by Black Jackal
Summary: All hell brakes loose when a Fangirl virus brakes loose. Can Haseo and co. stop it? Has: Fangirl bashing, creepy fangirl made couple bashing, Haseo suffering, lot's of brick thrown at Kuhn, Aina is a lesbian, Ovan is bipolar, lots of parodies, and more!
1. Chapter 1

.hack//Resident Fangirl

Part 1: School? But theirs a bunch of rabid Fangirls…

Yata: Ms. Pie, how is the anti-fangirl serum going?

Ms. Pie: It's just Pi sir…

Yata: So long as you work for me it shall be Ms. Pie…

Ps. Pie: Fine sir. Just don't play any card games…

Yata: What was that?

Ms. Pie: Nothing!

Yata: Back to the question. The serum?

Ms. Pie: The scientists screwed up and now we have a serum that turns people into fangirls…

Yata:…Okay…

Ms. Pie: And it's indestructible…

Yata: Aura damn it!

Ms. Pie: Problem sir?

Yata: Of course there is! This is how all horror virus induced movies start!

(RED ALERT)

Yata: Let me guess…The virus is loose all over the underground research facility!

Ms. Pie: Right, but unlike the actual movie, were gonna get the hell out of here!

Yata: Right behind you!

(Yata and Ms. Pie escape from The Comb)

---------------------

News Reporter: We come to you now with startling news. Poncho, a pharmaceutical company, has been working on a new serum to repress fangirl genes, but get this! It does the opposite effect and-(channel changes)

Haseo: Same old same old….

Atoli: Of course dear, what would you like for dinner?

Haseo: I'm not sure? Why don't you choose my lovely wife.

(Haseo wakes up from a nightmare)

Haseo: Dear god, I and she were…It was just a dream.

Endrence: Of course it was now come back to bed Haseo.

Haseo: Yes dear.

(Haseo wakes up from a worse nightmare)

Haseo: (breathing heavily)

Shino: What's wrong Haseo?

Tabby: Anything we can do to fix it?

(Haseo wakes up from an awesome dream)

Haseo: YES!!!

Haseo's mom: STOP YELLING!

Haseo:…Damn it this is reality…

--------------------

(At The World R2 high)

Atoli: Hey Haseo, how did you sleep?

Haseo: I had a nightmare, then an even worse one, then I had the greatest dream in HaMENity, and then I woke up…

Atoli: What happened?

Kuhn: And what was this awesome dream you speak of.

Haseo:…Would rather not talk about it.

Ms. Pie: Okay student STFU and get ready for class!

Atoli: Mr. Pie using internet lingo. Bad day?

Ms. Pie: IT'S JUST PI! And yes I'm in a foul mood. My second job is a disaster. Poncho Inc. Is in the hoops now…

Kuhn: Oh Mr. Pie I'll call you anything for a kiss (and a feel)!

Ms. Pie: DROP DEAD!

Haseo:…(sigh)

Endrence: Hey class. I had such a wonderful dream I slept late. It was a beautiful dream between me and my dearest Haseo.

Haseo: (KILL!)

Atoli: Haseo, don't let your anger get the better of you!

Borduex: Aww, don't you make a couple.

Atoli: (Blushes)

Haseo: NO, CHANCE IN HELL!

Alkaid: Haseo will be mine!

Haseo: STAY AWAY FROM ME CRAZY LADY!

Shino: My Haseo sure is popular.

Atoli: Shino, what are you doing here, aren't you two years ahead of us?

Shino: I was just escorting a very late student.

Tabby: Really, you're as late as me.

Shino: Good bye.

Haseo: SHINO SAVE ME!

Mrs. Pie: ENOUPH YELLING, OPEN YOUR TEXTBOOKS!

(Door opens)

Mrs. Pie: What is it now…

Bo: I'm a new student.

Kuhn: No way, you've got to be at most twelve.

Haseo: How did you get so good at that you pedo…

Kuhn: It's nothing like that!

Atoli: Maybe he's one of those child prodigies!

Mrs. Pie: This card says you have two names…

Bo: Oh yes. I'm Bo, the other me is Saku.

Mrs. Pie:…Well Introduce yourselves?

Bo: I'm Bo, and uhh, I like ice cream!

(shifts)

Saku:…I'm Saku. I like pretty boys, yaoi, BL manga, anime with hot guys and fruit cups….

Kuhn: OMG, A FANGIRL!

Saku: (throws a brick from nowhere) Got a problem with that…

Kuhn: (bleeding) No…

Mrs. Pie: A+ to the new student and anyone else who throws a brick at Kuhn.

(One bricking later)

Kuhn: Oh…the pain….

Mrs. Pie: Any other questions for the new student?

Atoli: Are you a boy or a girl, because your personalities seem like well…

Saku: Bo's a boy and I'm a girl tee-hee.

Atoli: And biologically?

Saku:…uhh…well…

Ms. Pie: The card says male…

(much of the class laughs while some have their hearts broken…WTF?)

Saku: THE NEXT PERSON TO LAUGH WILL HAVE THEIR FACE REARANGED!

Haseo: (still laughing) And what can you do?

Saku: Just you wait, just you wait.

Ms. Pie: If we're done here can we please get back to work…

-------------------------

(Lunch)

Haseo: Hey Atoli, did you understand any of that?

Atoli: Nope…

Haseo: Kuhn…

Kuhn: Too busy staring at Ms. Pie's more feminine assets.

Haseo: Damn it…

Bo: I was paying attention.

Atoli: Are you Bo or Saku.

Bo: Bo. I understood it.

Haseo: Teach it to me.

Bo: Sure. Oh Saku asked me to give you this note Haseo.

Note: Sorry about the death threat, just go by the girl's locker room and I will make it up to ya.

Haseo: Ha, Respect. I need to get more of it around here.

Kuhn: Uhh Haseo…I don't-

Haseo: Shut up. I'm gonna go get my respect.

-----------------------------

(By girl's locker room)

Haseo: Finally, lately I feel like I've been losing my respect. Like I was some kind of man-whore…oh well.

Voice: squee…

Haseo: Huh…I feel…surrounded….(fangirl surround and capture him)

Fangirls: SQUEEEE

Haseo: Wait no stop! What are you! Hey! What's that for! No don't! Spare me! AHHHH!

----------

(Back with Atoli, Kuhn, and Bo)

Atoli: Haseo? Haseo! Haseo…you look pretty…

Kuhn: IT BURNS!

Bo: Uhhh, Saku isn't the one to forgive and forget.

Haseo:…Don't say a thing….

Endrence: Haseo, you look beautiful.

Haseo: Like I want to hear that from you!

Sakaki: Oh-ho-ho. Seems that high and mighty Haseo is that kind of person.

Haseo: Like I want to hear that from a snotty twelve year old.

Sakaki: Laugh it up now, but I'm Vice-Principal and can get you referrals for…well…that…

Haseo: Damn it I was ambushed by Fangirls.

Kuhn: What? I knew something was wrong. People the Fangirls are multiplying!

Haseo: Shut up you perverted idiot.

----------

(Teachers lounge)

Yata: I lost again…

Gaspard: Same time tomorrow teach?

Yata: Of course…

Ms. Pie: Oh lord…I thought we could go one skit without Yata playing cards….

Yata: What is it Ms. Pie?

Ms. Pie: The Fangirl virus…is it okay to leave it unwatched!

Yata: No worries! I had a team of specialists infiltrate it to find stuff out.

Ms. Pie: And have you heard anything?

Yata: No, but I keep getting squee sounds from theses prank phone calls.

Ms. Pie:…Okay Pi, calm down. You promised yourself only twelve mid-life crises.

Yata: Is there a problem?

Ms. Pie: Oh screw it, Yata I'm having another mid-life crisis…

Yata: Why?

Ms. Pie: Same reason as every other time. The man I love is too distracted by children's card games to do his job properly and now the end of the world is upon us again…

Yata: Are you talking about me?

Ms. Pie: No…No I'm not…

Yata: How come I can't beat Gaspard?

Ms. Pie:…We're all gonna die from squealing nitwits in a matter of hours…might as well be drunk…(starts drinking)!

Kuhn: Ms. Pie Haseo's- HOLY COW!

Ms. Pie: (drunk) Jeez this coat is hot, I need to take it off…

Kuhn: Allow me.

Ms. Pie: Oh thank you. The world needs more people like you Kuhn.

Kuhn: Yes it does. Anyway Ms. Pie, how about you allow me to remove that skirt.

Ms. Pie: Oh that would be lovely.

Kuhn: (GOD LOVES ME!)

Atoli: Hey Kuh- WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Kuhn: Don't worry! I have Ms. Pie's permission.

Atoli:…Come on you perverted loser (drags him away).

Kuhn: NO, MS. PIE WAIT FOR ME!

Ms. Pie: What a nice guy. (Passes out).

----------------

(Lunch-yard)

Haseo: ANYONE ELSE HAVE AHYTHING TO SAY!

Gabi: I'm Gabi!

Haseo: I mean anything about me…

Heap of people that said something about how pretty Haseo is: No…

Haseo: Good.

Bo:…Didn't you need tutoring…

Haseo: Yes I do.

--------------------

(After Lunch)

Ms. Pie: (still drunk) How ya doing class? Hey, Haseo you look like you were ambushed by some rabid fangirls…

Haseo: SHUT UP!

Atoli: Ms. Pie…are you drunk?

Ms. Pie: Well I would rather be drunk for when the world ends then sober…

Class: What do you mean?

Ms. Pie: Well if you all watched the news you would know that Poncho is in the hoops. Why? We were trying to make a serum to repress Fangirl genes. Think of it, a world without FANGIRLS!

(Imagine a better world, no pollution, no crimes, and no fangirls)

Haseo: It's beautiful.

Atoli: Such a world were even strangers would look at me.

Kuhn: (weeping) It's just so….

Saku: (Angry)

Ms. Pie: But, get this, the scientists screwed up, and now we have a virus that turns people into Fangirls! And now the virus in on the loose. Why in about an hour we should see roaming infected Fangirls! I don't want to be sober when they get here. So as you can see, I'm drunk…

(Class is horrorstruck)

Haseo: Oh god, am Infected.

Ms. Pie: If you were infected we would be signs like an all consuming hunger for Sephiroth.

Saku: Bleh, it's all about Kuja. The guy walks around in his underwear SQUEEE!

Kuhn: AHHH IT BURNS!

Atoli: How will we escape?

Ms. Pie: I don't know.

Principle on intercom: Dear school, this is your Principal, Zelkova. Uhm, there are Fangirls outside and they kind of enveloped the school. So Vice-Principle Sakaki and Secretary Kaede are busy locking all doors to the outside world. Oh and if you have friends that had PE this period…well…They seem to have become Fangirls to, even the boys. Wait don't boys become Fanboys? Oh well, I must investigate this. So stay in school! Have fun. Bye.

Every student that heard that: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Ms. Pie: SHUT UP YOU MORONS!

Haseo: Damn it if were gonna be stuck I at least need to find some normal clothing. (Walks out)

Endrence: Wait for me Haseo.

Ms. Pie: That's against school rules.

Haseo: F the rules, we have radioactive Fangirls out there!

Saku: Why the F does everyone look down on Fangirls, I mean if you didn't treat them like some disease to begin with then this wouldn't be happening.

Kuhn: But they are a disease!

Saku: Ignoring you…

Ms. Pie: Well, here in Japan we have the craziest Fangirls, and I mean crazy. The ones in America are nothing compared to the ones we have hear. And with every game release more fangirls just popped up. I mean we have teenaged Fangirls that were screaming for Demon KID prince Laharl, and that's just pedophilia their. And every Final Fantasy added a billion to the growing population. I mean usually Fanboys and Fangirls keep each other in check, but Fangirls have been growing so rapidly that we just couldn't take it and ta-dah…the mess were in now as EVERYONE turns into one.

Saku:…Everyone here is just a Fangirl-phobe….

Everyone: Yes!

Saku:...(sigh)

-------------

(On the roof)

Haseo: HOLY! (Looks down at a sea of fangirls who all look up at Haseo who is still pretty)

Fangirls: BISHIE BISHIE BISHIE! SQUEEEEE!

Haseo: It's so vile and disgusting…

Endrence: Found you Haseo!

Fangirls: SQUEEEE! BISHIEXBISHIE! BISHIE LOVE! SQUEEEEE!

Haseo: Do Fangirls really sound like this?

Endrence: Well…to sum it up…In the most extreme…ya…that's all they talk about…

Haseo:…What a sad life.

Endrence: Oh Haseo, only you could feel compassion for these lowly creatures. Your all the more lovely in my eyes.

Haseo: I take that back, nuke'em…

Endrence:…It doesn't matter, you're still lovely in my eyes.

Haseo:…Great…I'm getting out of here. These Fangirls are giving me the creeps.

Endrence: Wait for me Haseo.

----------

(Back in class)

Saku: Why the F did you all tie me up?

Kuhn: Because you're a Fangirl.

Atoli: Kuhn: Isn't this a bit much.

Kuhn: Not really, I mean what if she goes crazy. I mean Fangirls are ranked based on sanity. She may seem like one of the sane ones, (and I mean how many of those do we see), but the case is that she IS a Fangirl.

Rest of Class (save for Tabby): Ya!

Atoli: Kuhn this is going too far.

Tabby: I agree.

Kuhn: Fangirls are too far, we need to restrain her now!

Bo: Uhh, I'm a boy.

Atoli: This does present a problem.

Tabby: Can you keep him tied up?

Kuhn: Damn it, go back to being Saku so that my actions are justified!

Bo: Saku says F you…

Haseo: Man I need to get out of these cloths….

Bo: Haseo, help me! Kuhn tied me up!

Haseo: Kuhn I knew that you were a strange combination of perversion and wrongness, but this takes the cake.

Kuhn: It's not like that! And what about you!

Haseo: I have nothing to hide.

Atoli: Other then a Sailor Moon shrine in the back of his closet.

Tabby: Really?

Atoli: He has every single product they made, even the outfits.

Tabby: Then does that make Haseo a Fanboy?

Atoli: I suppose.

Haseo: What are you two talking about?

Atoli and Tabby: Nothing…(whistling)

Haseo: Just untie him Kuhn!

Kuhn: But what if he becomes Saku. If this ordeal is telling us anything, you can't trust Fangirls!

Ms. Pie: QUIET! I'm trying to keep my head from killing me.

Endrence: (unties Bo) better?

Bo: Better.

Kuhn: What are you doing Endrence. Don't you know that if he turns into Saku she will hound you like mad! I mean Fangirls dream of homo pretty boys like you!

Endrence: For the last time. I'm not gay. It's called Pansexual. And we shouldn't tie up a new kid on a day as traumatic as this…

Kuhn: Fine, but if he becomes a depraved Fangirl, don't blame me.

Haseo: The only thing we blame you for is being a perverted Fangirl-phobe.

Kuhn: Well I do my best.

Haseo: That wasn't a compliment…

Kuhn: To me, it was.

(Student body president Ovan walks in. Arm-case and all)

Ovan: How is everyone doing.

Class: Ovan!

Ovan: Yes, it is I, Ovan. I, Ovan, have come to tell you all, the class, that one of you is infected with the Fangirl virus. Well good luck figuring out who it is.

Class: AHHHHHHHHH!

----------------(Bonus corner)------------------

(Hiiragi's sewing class)

Hiiragi: Oh phooey. With all the nonsense going on between the other classes I can't teach how to sew this darling skirt I'm wearing.

Sophora:…We have a strange teacher….

Silabus: I couldn't agree with you more…

Sophora:…Want to make out as the world crumbles around us?

Silabus: Of course!

(Matsu's mechanics class)

Matsu: Man, with all those creepy girls out there we can't do anything…Still its better then becoming a Fangirl.

(Yata's card class)

Yata: Lost again….

Gaspard: Well…you did better…

Yata: Really?

Gaspard: No…

Class:…(are teacher sucks)…

(Siris' P.E. class)

Siris: (hiding in his office)

Class: SQUEEEEE!

--------------------------------End Chapter 1--------------------------------------


	2. Chapter 2

.hack//Resident Fangirl

Part 2: Stuck in the closet with you, you, and you…

Ms Pie: Previously on the piece of insanity…Poncho trying to make a serum to repress Fangirls failed big-time and made something that does the opposite. So the world has gone into hell in a hand basket and I need to go back to being passed out. Oh and just what did those Fangirls do to Haseo? I'll tell you. They dressed him up as Sephiroth and put make-up on him. C'mon it's FANGIRLS…you were expecting something else? (Passes out)…

------------------

Ovan: Vice-Principal Sakaki has deduced that someone is this class is infected. So I, Ovan, came to tell you, the class, that. Well have fun. (Closes and locks door from outside).

Haseo: What! But, now what? I mean wont we all get infected!

Kuhn: It's all her fault! (Points to Bo)

Bo: I didn't do anything.

Kuhn: Lies!

Bordeaux: Shut up you perv. (Hits him)

Endrance: So how do we find out who is the fangirl?

Saku: There is only one way.

Kuhn: FANGIRL!

Saku: Quiet! (Throws a brick at him from no were)

Ms. Pie: (Her Kuhns-in-pain-ey senses tingling) Anyone who throws a brick at Kuhn gets an A+ (passes out).

(The ensuring bricking)

Kuhn: Oh, the pain.

Saku: As I was saying there is only one way to bring out the Fangirl. Haseo, due to your current look you carry a Fangirl inherent love. Endrance, you're a bishie. Make out and anyone who squees is a Fangirl.

Haseo:…say that again…

Endrance: Oh my, my first kiss with Haseo.

Haseo: NONONONONO!

Saku: Fine, then the person in question will become infected, take us by surprise, and you all become fangirls.

Class: (Staring)

Haseo: Like I want to sacrifice MY first kiss to this guy. Shino was supposed to wait for me, but all she can think about is Ovan…What about me Shino.

Atoli: I'll kiss you Haseo.

Haseo: STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Alkiad: I will be your first kiss.

Haseo: NOT EVEN IF YOU PAID ME!

Bordeaux: How about us Haseo.

Haseo: LIKE HELL!

Endrance: Then shall we begin.

Haseo: YOU WILL NOT BE MY FIRST KISS!

Endrance: Aww…

Haseo: (Who else is here…CATGIRL) Tabby, you can be my first kiss.

Tabby: Really Haseo?

Haseo: Yes, you are the sanest here.

Kuhn: And a Catgirl!

Everyone who wanted Haseo first kiss: (throws a brick at Kuhn)

Kuhn: Why me…why bricks…

(HaseoxTabby moment)

Haseo: There…now that I know my first kiss is with someone sane, I am happy.

Tabby: (Blushing)

Endrance:…Well it's still my first kiss so. Haseo for the sake of everyone, shall we kiss!

Haseo: NO TOUNGE!

Endrance: but-

Haseo: NO!

Endrance: Not even-

Haseo: NO!

Endrance: What if I-

Haseo: We're barely touching as far as I am concerned…

Endrance:…Okay…I will take your love anyway I can.

Haseo:…what love…

Endrance:…Okay…just let me say something. Haseo, ever since I got over the death of my old girlfriend Mia, I thought that life had no meaning, but you helped me threw it…

-------------

(Flashback)

Endrance: Oh Mia, without you I should just kill myself.

Haseo: Don't do that you idiot. If you kill yourself then what's the point of living if your just gonna waste it. You don't wanna be emo do you? Do you know what kind of respect emo people get?

Atoli: Haseo, will you look at my new outfit? (Revealing outfit)

Haseo: No.

Atoli:...no matter what I do everyone ignores me. They use me and use me, but never give back. I only have one me…NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

Haseo: See, do you wanna end up like that?

Endrance: No…

Haseo: There you go…later loser. (Walks off)

--------------------

(Back to present)

Haseo: I was dared to talk to you…

Endrance: I don't care. Now pucker up and feel my love for you!

Haseo: (Face full of Endrence) AHHHH!

Saku: SQUEEE!

Tabby: SQUEEEE!

Class: Tabby?

Tabby: Oh my? I met this girl on my way to school and she just screamed Fangirl…I must have caught it from her.

Kuhn: But, you were late with Shino.

Tabby: Oh my?

----------------

(Hall ways)

Ovan: Shino?

Shino: COME TO ME YOU HUNK YOU!

Ovan:…Not good…(runs)

---------------

Kuhn: its okay Haseo, I'm sure with enough soap and acid you can get the taste of Endrance out.

Haseo:…No, but I kissed Tabby remember…

Kuhn: Oh….Oh…OH! Haseo! Your gonna!

Haseo: Yes…

Kuhn: And-

Haseo: Just shut up…My life is over.

Atoli, Alkiad, and Bordeaux: This wouldn't have happened if he kissed me.

Endrance: And I kissed Haseo…should I worry?

Haseo: You…you…and…(breaks down and cries) WHY AURA WHY! I now I wasn't the nicest person, but I upheld morals. I'm nice to people every now and then. I don't do drugs or smoke or drink, I get okay grades…WHY!

Tabby: How much longer till we turn completely…

Kuhn: No clue…so (Locks Tabby, Endrance, and Haseo in a closet)

Saku: Isn't that going too far?

Kuhn: You wanna go in there to?

Saku: Nope.

Haseo: (within closet) This wouldn't be so bad if Endrence wasn't here…

Endrance: This wouldn't be so bad if Tabby was here…

Tabby: This wouldn't be so bad if Haseo was here…

Haseo and Endrence: WHAT?

Tabby: Just following the trend…Man it's hot in here!

Endrence: It is isn't it…

Haseo: (Sobbing)

Tabby: Man If I could just loose this shirt.

Endrance: I need to get this sweater off me.

Kuhn and Saku: (Listening very intently)

Tabby: It's still so hot.

Endrence: I know…

Haseo: AURA SAVE ME NOW!

Tabby: Uhh, I chose a bad day to wear pants.

Endrance: Same here. Help me out of them.

Tabby: You help me too.

(Kuhn and Saku have fainted from nosebleeds)

Haseo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Tabby: Why don't we help you Haseo.

Endrance: Yes, let's.

Haseo: YOU'RE BOTH FANGIRLS!

Tabby: OMG, your so manly Haseo! SQUEEEE!

Endrance: Oh my, Haseo, I just SQUEEEE!

Haseo: (Whimpering)

Atoli: What do you think is going on in there.

Alkiad: I'll give you one guess.

Atoli: You don't mean!

Alkaid: Yep…

Atoli: But!

Alkiad: They still are…

Atoli: But aren't they too-

Alkaid: IT DOESN'T MATTER, FANGIRLS DON'T NEED LOGIC!

Bordeaux:…Man, what I would give to love Haseo to death like that.

Haseo: AURA KILL ME NOW!

Kuhn: Enough of this.

Saku: Ya.

Atoli: But what about Shino?

Kuhn: We must go look for her…Saku we need your expertise.

Saku: Of course. Haseo said that she's after Mr. Blue hair huh.

---------------

(The Troll Club)

Azure Kite: Dammit what noob messed with are club name!

Azure Balmung: The same person that called us the Lifeless club…

Azure Orca: We're looked down on us because we're zombies.

Azure Ovan: Ya…

Azure Kite:…Since when did we have a fourth member?

Azure Orca: Ya?

Azure Balmung: DON'T SCARE HIM. We're below the emos on a social scale and you're arguing about whether we have a fourth member or not.

Azure Kite: Welcome to the Horror movie enthusiast/Tim Burton Fanatics club!

Azure Ovan:…Okay…

Azure Orca: Though something's not right…You don't have dead rotting skin…

Azure Balmung: Shut up Azure Orca.

Azure Ovan: I'm just hiding from my girlfriend who is now a depraved fangirl…

Azure Kite: Drat, at least take off the azure in your name…

Ovan: Fine.

Azure Kite and Azure Balmung:…Just when we though…

Azure Orca: Its okay guys, one day in true human greed some company will make a virus that turns people into zombies and then we will have friends.

Azure Balmung: You're always the optimistic one Azure Orca…

Azure Kite: Someone has to be…

Ovan:…Okay…we currently have a situation like that…only Fangirls instead of zombies…

Azure Orca: Well its close enough so were just a stones throw away from friends guys!

Azure Kite: Real friends!

Azure Balmung: Let's celebrate with a movie marathon! I'll get us some popcorn!

Ovan: Aren't you afraid of becoming Fangirls?

Azure Kite: We're zombies, we're not susceptible to illnesses like you live-ies…

Ovan:…Okay…

Shino: FOUND YOU MY HUNK OF BLU CHEESE YOU!

Ovan: WTF?

Azure Kite: SHUT UP WE'RE WHATCHING A MOVIE!

Shino: Just give me my man and I will leave.

Ovan: No don't, if you save me I will personally join your club and since I am the most popular man in school posers will follow. YOU WILL HAVE FRIENDS.

Azure Balmung: Good enough for me (rips off head) Go away (ghost like).

Shino: GIVE ME MY HUNK! (Shino fights Azure Balmung and wins).

Azure Kite: So this is the rumored illogical strength of the Fangirls?

Azure Orca: FOR FRIENDS WE SHALL FIGHT!

(Shino pwns Azure Kite and Azure Balmung).

Azure Orca: I thought…we could have friends…

Azure Balmung: Actual people…

Azure Kite:…But, aren't we friends…

Azure Orca:..So what do we really want? What is it are soulless souls crave?

Azure Balmung:…Girls….

Azure Trio: WE WANT GIRLS!!!!

--------------------

(hallways)

Ovan: SHINO, I COMMAND YOU STOP CHASING ME LIKE A RABID FANGIRL!

Shino: SQUEEEE

Ovan: Save me. (Tips) I'm not gonna make it now. (Shino running at him) I'm gonna lose everything I have to the girl I seemingly love. Then…so be it. (Kuhn and Saku jump out from nowhere with a net). I'm saved?

Kuhn: Another Fangirl in the bag.

Saku: It's a net idiot. See, just like I told you. Good thing we placed the trip wire huh.

Ovan: But what if you didn't make it in with the net?

Kuhn: I don't want to know.

Ovan:…I'm going now.

-----------

(Back in Ms. Pie's class)

Haseo: FOR THE LOVE AURA GET ME OUT OF HERE!

Tabby: Haseo, put on these cat-ears.

Endrance: Oh I just…SQUEEE, come here Haseo!

Tabby: Save some for me!

Haseo: I WANNA DIE I WANNA I WANNA DIEEE!

Ms. Pie: How long have they been at it?

Atoli: I lost track…Oh Haseo…

Alkaid: The weird thing is that he hasn't gone Fangirl yet.

Bordeaux: Even if he wasn't infected prior…wouldn't he be now...

Haseo: DON'T YOU DARE DO- HAHAHAHAHA!

Atoli: I think he went crazy.

Endrance: My Haseo, you're so ticklish there.

Bo: He's ticklish?

Kuhn: You're Bo now?

Bo: Oh, ya. We have another Fangirl for the closet.

Shino: Unhand me, I need to go get my hunk!

Kuhn: Deal with this.

(The force Shino into the closet)

Haseo: SHINO!

Shino: Not Ovan, but I can live with it. My, it's hot in here isn't it.

Tabby: Why do you think were we took those off.

Shino: There is little room in here, Haseo help me…

Haseo: MY SUFFERING HAS PAYED OFF, OF COURSE I WILL SHINO!

Atoli: That two timing…

Alkiad: Haseo you little…

Bordeaux: I will love you that much more…

Kuhn: Man, Haseo is one lucky…

Bo: Endrance is in there.

Kuhn: Ya, but I mean it has to be worth it.

Haseo: GAHH, SHINO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Shino: Haven't you heard of female domination.

Tabby: Me next…

(All the guys in class faint from nose-bleeds minus Bo)

Ms. Pie: Pigs…

Haseo: I NEVER SIGNED UP FOR THIS! AURA I WANNA DIE AGAIN. IM RIGHT HERE!

Atoli: Still…this is getting a bit strange…

Principal Zelkova: (on intercom) Hey guys, guess what! The Fangirls are gone. Oh, and Sakaki told Ovan that I said that someone was infected…he lied…so don't worry, we're all clean…well except the PE class. We just need to stay in school a little longer so that the place can be sterilized. So hang in there! Cookies for everyone for good behavior!

Ms. Pie: That was a strange turn of events…but then what's going on in there…

Haseo:…Wait, so none of us are infected…

Tabby: Yep!

Shino: Yep!

Endrance: Yep!

Haseo: So why did I just go threw all this…

Tabby: How many chances do we get for being locked up with you!

Endrance: I know! I just had to take any chance I got.

Shino: I was just running after Ovan, but this is also fun…

Tabby: Besides, experimenting like this was fun.

Endrance: I know, you were excellent Tabby.

Tabby: Thank you.

Haseo: Can I get out of here then…

Endrance, Tabby, and Shino: NOPE!

Haseo: AHHH, STOP IM BEGGING YOU!

Atoli: What…

Alkaid:…WHAT AM I WAITING FOR!

Bordeaux: I'LL LOVE YOU SO MUCH HASEO!

Atoli: WAIT FOR ME!

(Alkaid, Atoli, and Bordeaux jump in the closet)

Ms. Pie: How many people can fit in there?

Kuhn: They better have room for one more! (Jumps in the closet only to be kicked out.)

Haseo: _**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! MAKE IT STOP! DEAR AURA, SKEITH, MORGANNA, I DON'T CARE, SAVE ME OR KILL ME, JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!**_

Gabi: I'm Gabi, and I'm in the closet D (Kicked out)

Bordeaux: Aww, are you sure we can't keep him?

Rest: Yes…

Haseo: (Spirit broken).

Ms. Pie: Could it get worse? Read after the bonus chapter to find out?

------------------------Bonus Chapter--------------------

(Hiiragi's class)

Hiiragi: Okay kiddies! Take your cookies out of the oven and see how they came out!

(Grading cookies)

Hiiragi: A…A…B…THIS COULD BARELY BE CALLED A TURD F….C…A…B…A…OHHH, I love these darling heart shaped cookies.

Silabus: Thank you.

Sophora: We worked so hard on them.

Hiiragi: I'm giving you EXTRA CREDIT for these.

Silabus and Sophora: (Making out)

Hiiragi: Ahh, young love…

Sakaki: (opposite side of the school) I feel a chill in my soul…

(Yata's class)

Yata: Now go, Dark magician. Attack!

Author: I activate my trap card! Miraculous Descent! Bring back Majestic Mech Goryu.

Yata: No, that's stronger…

Class:…lost again!

Author: I won…OMG you do suck…

Gaspard: Told ya…

(Matsu's Biology class)

Matsu: WTF, wasn't I teaching mechanics?

Death Grunty: Ya, but now us grunties can make cameos (oink)!

Nero Grunty: I will rule the world (nero)!

Gao Grunty: Be like a man and shout your name (ahahahaha)!

Mellow Grunty: Does anyone have any fish (mellow)?

Matsu:…(sigh)….

(Siris's PE class)

Siris: (disappeared)

(The Troll Club)

Azure Kite: FOR THE LAST TIME IT'S NOT THE TROLL CLUB!

Azure Balmung: (Practicing talking to girls)

Azure Orca: (Practicing Johnny Bravo poses to girls)

Azure Kite:…What can I do, I don't have mussels are linguistic skills…

Azure Orca: You can practice being cute…

Azure Kite: If it will get me a girl then sure…

Azure Balmung: Well…

Azure Kite: (Practices being cute…)

Azure Balmung and Azure Orca: OMGROFLMAOOL!

Azure Kite: Just you wait and see! I will get a bunch of girls!

-------------What could've happened--------------

Ms. Pie: How many people can fit in there?

Kuhn: They better have room for one more! (Jumps in the closet only to be kicked out.)

Haseo: _**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! MAKE IT STOP! DEAR AURA, SKEITH, MORGANNA, I DON'T CARE, SAVE ME OR KILL ME, JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!**_

Piros the Third: Behold, for I am Piros the Third here to share with you all MY HOT PASSION. YOUR LOVE MAKES ME HOT!

Everyone in closet: (They were never heard from again…)

Ms. Pie…That's F-ed up…….

---------End Chapter 2------------------------------------------


	3. Chapter 3

.hack//Resident Fangirl

Part 3: Copyright infringement!

Ms. Pie: Hello readers. Previously on this piece of insanity Haseo was locked in the closet with Tabby and Endrance because my idiot class thought they were infected with the Fangirl virus. Once inside Haseo suffered extreme discomfort as Tabby and Endrance became grade A fangirls. Kuhn and Saku went to track down an in heat Shino while Ovan hid in The Horror movie/Tim Burton film enthusiast club that suffers from many prank name changes. Kuhn and Saku caught Shino and threw her in the closet with Haseo to suffer more. The Fangirls left for some unexplained reason, and Zelkova announced that Sakaki tricked them all into thinking someone was infected. Learning that there was no infected student, Atoli, Alkiad, and Bordeaux entered the closet. Oh and Kuhn had bricks thrown at him…that sums it up (passes out)…

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(The News)

Reporter: We are here with information about the Fangirl attacks. Many high schools were attacked. One that was especially bad was Final Fantasy high.

(Footage)

Sephiroth: HELP US! I PROMISE THAT IF I MAKE IT THROUGH THIS I WILL NEVER KILL AGAIN!

Fangirls: ALL HAIL LORD BISHIE SPEHIE!

Sephiroth: Oh lord, SAVE US!

Zidane: Brother, I promise to never make fun of your girly cloths and the fact you were make-up again!

Kuja: I promise to never make fun of you because you're a pervert that people throw bricks at to get good grades!

Fangirls: OH ZIDANEXKUJA SQUEEEEE!

Zidane: That's just wrong….

Squall: Oh ya look at this.

Fangirls: OH SQUALLXLAGUNA SQUEEE!

Zidane: Isn't Laguna your father!

Squall: That's why it's so wrong…

Cloud: At least they aren't making you do three-ways with emos and mommas boys…

Fangirls: CLOUDXVINCENTXSEPHIE SQUEEEE!

Vincent: I WANT TO DIE!!!!

Emo Fangirls: EMO BISHIE SQUEEEE!

Sora: Man, Fangirls are so creepy….

Riku: Don't you know Fangirls are immune to logic, that's why they can do these things while we cower in fear. We can beat the crap out of Xemnas but we squirm when we hear-

Fangirls: RIKUXSORA SQUEEE!

Riku: (Squirming)….

Sephiroth: HOLY FCK THEY'RE CLIMBING THE WALLS!

Everyone: AHHHH (transmission cut-off)

Reporter: Well that was- (change channel)

Haseo: I wonder what did happen to the fangirls?

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(School next day)

Ms. Pie: WE'RE ALIVE…Thank Aura we're not screaming nitwits!

Haseo: Speak for yourself, I'm dead on the inside…

Kuhn: So you're emo now?

Haseo:…As much as I hate to say it, maybe.

Bo: Yesterday was so crazy!

Tabby: I know…

Haseo: (passes out).

Bo: Haseo?

Endrance: Fear not for I Endrance shall awake him with a kiss.

Haseo: I'M UP!

Endrance: No your not!

Haseo: YES I AM!

Ms. Pie: Shut up so I can roll call…Emo Girl!

Atoli: Here!

Ms. Pie: Pervert!

Kuhn: Here!

Ms. Pie: Furry Girl!

Tabby: Here Nya!

Ms. Pie: Want's to die!

Haseo: Here…

Ms. Pie: Mental Problems!

Bo: Here!

Ms. Pie: Bitch!

Bordeaux: Here!

Ms. Pie: Hyper Girl!

Alkiad: Here!

Ms. Pie: Everyone else!

Everyone Else: Here!

Ms. Pie: Okay!

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(Lunch)

Kuhn: What do you think happened to all the fangirls.

Saku: They went to FF High and got all the bishies, duh! I mean there is NO-ONE left there…

Atoli: How sad…

Haseo: TRY BEING ME FOR JUST TEN MINUTES!

Atoli: Only if you will be me for two minutes.

Haseo: No thanks…

Alkiad: Has anyone seen PE teacher Siris?

Tabby: Wasn't his class infected, he probably is too…

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(Teachers lounge)

Ms. Pie: Yata what are we going to do now? Fangirls don't just up and disappear.

Yata: Just let me put on my work glasses.

Ms. Pie: You have different glasses for stuff?

Yata: Ya, I have different glasses for various aspects of my life. I just keep losing these ones.

Ms. Pie: So if I made you a pare of glasses that made you like me, would you.

Yata: Maybe.

Ms. Pie: YES! Finally…but, how do I make glasses like that?

Yata: I get mine from a small company. Sergeant industries or something like that.

Ms. Pie: I see…Well what are we going to do about the fangirls?

Yata: We will track them down obviously.

Ms. Pie: How, Poncho is in the gutter…

Yata: Simple.

Ms. Pie: Simple how?

Yata:…It's just simple…

Ms. Pie:…Why me? But, then what. We find them and what?

Yata: We will assemble S.E.E.S. (Special Elite Extracurricular Squad)

Ms. Pie:…Uhh, we could get copyright infringement for that, try again…

Yata: E.F.F.B (Elite Force of Fangirl Bashers)

Ms. Pie: Not catchy enough…

Yata: B.L.T. (Bacon Lettuce Tomato)

Ms. Pie: No…

Yata: F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. (Fangirl Active Nitro Bashing and Observer Yeller Squad)

Ms. Pie: Close, but no cigar…

Yata: D.I.S.S. (Drafted Into Suicide Squad)

Ms. Pie: I like it.

Yata: Good cause I'm not coming up with anymore.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back in class)

Kuhn: Here is my poem in the form of a haiku…

_My one destiny_

_A struggle for everyday_

_To touch Ms. Pie's rack!_

Kuhn: What do you think?

Ms. Pie:…Anyone who throws a brick at Kuhn gets an A+…

(The ensuring bricking)

Kuhn: Oh, the pain…

Principle Zelkova: Hey guys, guess what. After school I have to see some of you. Uhh, okay we have Haseo, Atoli, Shino, Kuhn, Endrance, Alkaid, Tabby, Bordeaux, Silabus, Sophora, Saku/Bo, Those guys from the troll club, and Gabi…OKAY SEE YA AFTER SCHOOL!

Ms. Pie: Man he's loud…

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(After School)

Gabi: I'm Gabi!

Haseo: We all know you are…

Atoli: We should all know everyone…except the Zombies and those two.

Azure Kite: I am Azure Kite leader of the Horror/Tim Burton movie enthusiast club!

Azure Balmung: I am Azure Balmung the vice-leader!

Azure Orca: I am Azure Orca and I get the popcorn!

Tabby: They started strong but kinda….

Haseo: And you two…

Silabus: I am Silabus…

Sophora: And I am Sophora…

Haseo:…Okay…

Yata: Greetings. I am Yata, and as of now you all will undergo intense training so that you may become the ultimate Anti-Fangirl force. D.I.S.S. Drafted Into Suicide Squad!

Everyone: WHAT!

Gabi: I'm Gabi D

Ms. Pie: You will undergo training now. (The room is gassed as the two drag the unconscious bodies to the area were they will be training.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Aura knows were)

Haseo: (wakes up) Huh?

Silabus: What the?

Skeith: I am your sensei that will train you both to fight Fangirls. I am Skeith!

Haseo: You can fight Fangirls?

Silabus: Did you get your name from a neo-pet?

Skeith: Yes, that's right, you no longer have to cower in fear of their deadly squees! And no, I did not get my name from a neo-pet!

Haseo: Teach me Sensei.

Silabus: Cool, we get to learn how to fight Fangirls!

Skeith: I shall teach you the way of the Shinigami!

Haseo: AWESOME I GET A ZANPACTO!

Silabus: ZNPACTO!

Skeith: WRONG A SCYTH! Those posers from Bleach know nothing of my TRUE work! Now pick up this Scythe and when you want to awaken its true power you must announce it to the world so that your enemy knows to run!

Haseo:…Sure seems like Bleach if I have to shout out a name…what's the name. (gets a scythe)

Silabus: (gets a Zanpacto)…this isn't a scythe.

Haseo:…

Skeith: You must ask it!

Haseo: LET ME GUESS I HAVE TO FIGHT MASKED MONSTERS TOO!

Silabus: That try to eat our souls…

Skeith: YOU CATCH ON QUICK!

Haseo:…Drat…

Silabus:…(sigh)…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Somewhere else)

Atoli: (waked up) Were am I?

Shino: I don't know?

Innis: Welcome emos, I am Innis, the goddess of emos.

Atoli: Really?

Shino: And what am I doing here then…

Innis: Do not lie to yourself. You're emo, not as emo as the other girl, but emo!

Shino:…Maybe a little, but everyone is emo to some extent…

Innis: Well I shall now teach you both the way of the emo fighting style.

Atoli: Teach me sensei!

Shino:…Uhh, ya….

Innis: The first step is harnessing the emo spirit energy and using it to turn invisible.

Atoli: WOW, that's just pure emo!

Shino: Ya, I mean invisible, that's just emo…

Innis: Well now I shall teach you this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Somewhere else)

Kuhn: (wakes up) MS. PIE'S RACK!

Magus: Very Good, you have a firm grasp on what is important in life!

Kuhn: Who are you?

Magus: I am Magus, the god of perverts. I shall teach you the skills to peak without being noticed, to touch without feeling, I shall teach you how to be the ultimate pervert.

Kuhn: (Crying) This is…the greatest day of my life. Magus, I idolize you.

Magus: We must first deal with your ability to take bricks to the face.

Kuhn: Huh?

Magus: MAGUS BRICK STORM!

Kuhn: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Somewhere else)

Sophora: My head…

Alkaid: Mine too.

Fidchel: Welcome, I am Fidchel, I am the god that knows every Jutsu!

Sophora:…Huh?

Alkiad: Naruto?

Fidchel: I shall teach you the way of the ninja. I shall teach you RASENGAN!

Sophora:…Huh?

Alkiad: WTF!

Fidchel: YOU SHAL CALL ME SARUTOBI-SENSEI!

Sophora:…Someone has watched Naruto…

Alkaid: Seriously…

Fidchel:…I STILL KNOW EVERY JUTSU

Sophora:…Yay me…

Alkiad: WHY THE F ARE WE TRAINING WITH HIM!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Somewhere else)

Saku: Were am I?

Bo: My head hurts…

Saku: Wait a minute…

Bo: WERE TWO!

Bo: How did this happen?

Gorre (Pink): WE DID THIS!

Gorre (Blue): Uhh ya. We're the gods of goofing off and pulling pranks.

Gorre (Pink): And we're gonna teach you how to mess with people's head, be the ultimate stalker, and make other cool things!

Saku: COOOL!

Gorre (Blue): Uhh, ya….

Bo: Uhh, okay…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Somewhere else)

Endrance: Uhh, my head.

Tabby: I know.

Macha: Welcome, I am Macha, goddess of Love, flowers, wives beating up husbands, marriage, marriage counseling, and stuff of the like. I will teach you both the way of the lover and the furry!

Endrance: Oh my really?

Tabby: Wow!

Macha: Yes, I will teach you to turn love into obsession.

Tabby: Huh?

Endrance: I'm already obsessed with Haseo.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Somewhere else)

Bordeaux: Anybody here.

Tarvos: BORDEAUX! I AM HERE TO TEACH YOU THE WAY OF THE BITCH!

Bordeaux: The way of…the bitch?

Tarvos: Yes, you already have a very powerful bitchy aura about you. But, there are still people who are bitchier then you.

Bordeaux: Bitchier then me…TEACH ME! I WANT TO BE, THE ULTIAMTE BITCH!

Tarvos: I shall teach you Verbal, Physical, Mental, and fighting forms of the ultimate bitch. It will not be easy on you. Are you ready?

Bordeaux:…Yes!

Tarvos: Spoken like a true bitch!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Somewhere else)

Gabi: I'm Gabi D

Corbenick: (anime sweat drop) I'm…Corbenick.

Gabi: I'm Gabi D

Corbenick:..(Disappears)

Gabi: I'm Gabi D

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Somewhere else…………….)

Azure Kite: Where are we?

Azure Balmung: No clue.

Azure Orca: Do you hear something?

(Pumpkin song plays)

Azure Trio: OMG! IT'S…IT'S…IT'S!

Jack Skellington: I am here to teach you guys the way of scaring and chilling!

Azure Trio: OMG OMG OMG OMG! The real pumpkin king!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Can't you guess by now?)

Yata: Their training is going well.

Ms. Pie: Will they actually learn to fight fangirls from this?

Yata: I hope so.

Ms. Pie:…(Sigh)…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Everyone together as a team)

Yata: You are the elite force D.I.S.S.! You all have been assembled for many reasons. Haseo you can take punishment, and lot's of it!

Haseo: I hate you!

Yata: Atoli you're annoying, and Shino you're a succubus.

Atoli: Uhh…

Shino: What!

Yata: Just look what you did to Haseo…

Shino: Fine.

Yata: Kuhn, you take bricks to the face, you're durable.

Kuhn: So many brick so many bricks so man bricks!

Yata: Sophora and Alkaid, you are a ninjas, you know…nin nin nin and ninja and stuff?

Sophora:…MY TRAINING WAS WHATCHING NARUTO NON-STOP…

Alkaid: (Drooling from too much TV)

Yata: Can you honestly say you don't posses the skills of a ninja?

Sophora:…no…

Yata: Saku/Bo, you were chosen because you care a specialist on the enemy

Saku: I know!

Bo: Are we gonna remain separate FOREVER!

Yata: Nope, got to put you back together now.

Saku/Bo: NOOOO

Yata: Silabus, you are now a Shinigami that can do all sorts of stuff like soul burials!

Silabus: Ya…

Haseo: I LEARNED TO DO THAT STUFF WITH AN AWESOME SCYTHE!

Yata: Ya, but that's not your part…

Haseo:…..

Yata: Tabby and Endrance…uhhh…Well Tabbies a catgirl and Endrance is…uhh…Oh a pretty boy bait.

Tabby and Endrance: WE CAN TALK TO ANIMALS AND MAKE THEM IN HEAT FOR OUR ENEMIES AND GUESS WHO'S NUMBER ONE NOW!

Yata: Bordeaux, you are a bitch.

Bordeaux: DAMN RIGHT I AM!

Yata:…ya…Azures, your zombies and immune to illnesses!

Azure Kite: And now we are trained in the way of Scare fu!

Azure Balmung: HYA!

Azure Orca: BOO!

Yata: And Gabi…

Gabi: I'm Gabi D

Yata: You're Gabi!

Gabi: I'm Gabi D

Everyone else: WHAT!

Hiiragi: Okay, I made the costumes!

Everyone: POWER RANGERS!

Matsu: And I got you're robot things.

Everyone: ZORDS!

Yata: (becomes giant head…) RANGERS MOVE OUT!

Haseo: IT'S MORPHING TIME!

Everyone else: Fail…

-Bonus chapter time-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The Azure Trio on blind dates!)

Azure Balmung:…Were for out though my date?

Azure Reki: Right here sir…

Azure Balmung: What you're!

Azure Reki: No, I just came back to pay you back FOR ALL THE YEARS OF WORK YOU MADE ME GO THROUGH!

Azure Balmung: AHHH! DISGRUNTELED EMPLOYEES!

Azure Kamui: Come here you.

Azure Balmung: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Azure Orca:…Man he got it bad. Trying to be all poser with his linguistic skills. (Does Johnnie Bravo poses).

Wind: (Blows)

Azure Kite:…So where's my date?

Azure Blackrose: Here I am?

Azure Terajima Ryoko: No I am!

Azure Kite:…(does cute thing)

Azure Blackrose: Aww, can't we just share him?

Azure Terajima Ryoko: Of course, why back home I have a closet that can fit all three of us!

Azure Kite: (rereads chapter 2) Wait!

(The Azure dates drag him off)

-Yata sucks at dueling---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yata: I challenge you!

Radom kid: Uhh…okay…but, I suck…

Yata: Perfect!

Random kid: (draws five cards) I win?

Yata: How?

Random Kid: Exodia…

Yata: WHAT!

Random Kid: I don't even remember putting these cards in here…

Yata: WHY!

-What happened at Tales of/Xeno high…----------------------------------------------------------

Shion: KOS-MOS down to 30 battle capacity.

Allen: Oh god we're gonna die.

Luke: It's gonna be a lot worse then that…

Guy: (cowering in fear)

Natalia: DAMN IT, HE FINALLY GETS OVER HIS GYNOPHOBIA AND THIS HAPPENS!

chaos: I am the embodiment of Anima and I am afraid of this! WTF people!

Rubedo: These things are creepier then Albedo.

Albedo: I know, I mean you work hard to become the pedo mind raping sadist only for Fangirls to out do you. I damn it. I worked hard for what I had! I have a harem of little girls named after wine that Michal Jackson would envy if he was into little girls.

Rubedo: IM YOUR TWIN HOW!

Jay: So unclean, so unclean!

Fangirls: JAYXMOSES SQUEEE!

Jay: UNCLEAN UNCLEAN!

Zelos: Girls girls everywhere but I have my eyes on twins.

Sheena: DIE (throws a brick at him)

Anise: Coronal, think we'll live.

Jade: Yes!

Luke: Like we wanted to hear that from you…

(end transmission)


	4. Chapter 4

.hack//Resident Fangirl

Part 4: OMG…I'm getting sued…

Ms. Pie: You're still reading this…okay then now I need to do an unnecessary review. We kidnapped some student and made them into Fangirl fighting machines…that's about it…oh and Kuhn had more bricks thrown at him!

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(At the HQ)

Yata: The Fangirls have made a hideous city…It is made entirely of Fangirls, run by Fangirls, and worse of all the captured Final Fantasy pretty boys wear headbands that make them do as Fangirls want of them. Here is a clip…

(Clip)

Laguna: Son I love you, but NOT THIS WAY!

Squall: I WANT TO DIEEEEE!!!

(End Clip)

Haseo: Wear have I heard those words before…

Saku: SQUEEE!

Kuhn: THAT JUST BURNED…and aren't they father and son!

Tabby: Wow…we have to save them!

Yata: Saku and one other person shall disguise themselves and sneak into the city.

Saku: Who?

Yata: Master of disguise Haseo.

Haseo: I'm a master of disguise cool!

Yata: You will wear these (throws them sailor suits with mini skirts))

Saku: CUTE!

Haseo: NO WAY!

Yata: Too bad, you were elected as the master of disguise!

Haseo: By who!

Bordeaux: Me!

Haseo: BITCH!

Bordeaux: I was trained by the best.

Hiiragi: I will apply make-up on you!

Haseo: STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Saku: Okay!

Haseo: HAVE I NO SAY IN THIS!

Yata: No, none at all…

Haseo: I STILL WONT DO IT!

Sophora: FEATHURE JUTSU!

Haseo: (Out like a light)

Yata: See, you are a master ninja.

Sophora:…

Ms. Pie: As Saku and Hasea infiltrate the city you all will use your skills to follow without being noticed.

Kuhn: With my skills I can peak threw clothing!

Ms. Pie: Who wants a good grade!

(Ensuring bricking, but Kuhn is UNPHASED!)

Kuhn: I had bricks thrown at me nonstop for seventy-two hours, this is nothing! I am free to be a PERVET!

Alkaid: BRICK SUMMONING JUTSU!

Kuhn: (Pounded by bricks)

Hasea: (Wakes up fully transformed…)…AHHHHH!

Saku: I look so cute!

Yata: Begin the infiltration!

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(Fangirl City)

Hasea: Everything is so…pink…

Saku: Look at the giant TV!

(Shows KujaXZidane)

Hasea: (Dying on the inside)

Saku: So wrong…but so…SQUEEE!

Fangirl: Hello, I do believe that I have never seen you around here.

Saku: I'm Saku and this is Hasea.

Fangirl: I am Aina.

Hasea: (Doesn't Ovan have a sister named Aina…poor Ovan)

Aina: Would you like a tour?

Saku: YES PLEASE!

Hasea:…(I want to die SO bad…)

Aina: Well there's the manga store. It only has Yaoi and other manga of the like?

Saku: Ohh I must buy some.

Hasea: (Is this what hell is like?)

Aina: That's the sweets store that has cookies shaped like bishies.

Saku: I must buy some!

Aina: There we have the adult store were you can buy certain objects but since we don't like age restriction it's open to everyone.

Saku: I WILL BE BACK.

Aina: Tell me about yourself Hasea.

Hasea: Uhh, well, I uhh (THINK! WHAT DO THEY CALL PRETTY BOYS?), like Bishies?

Aina: Really, you don't need to hide anything from me.

Hasea: (WHAT! Were is Saku?)

Aina: I mean it's pretty obvious.

Hasea: (MORGANNA HAS NOTHING ON THIS CRUEL WORLD)

Aina: We're the same though.

Hasea: (What?)

Aina: We're both Lesbians.

Hasea: (Takes a moment to register that…)

Aina: This place isn't too nice on any lesbian Fangirls. I mean the Fangirl Bible states we love hot guy and Bishies…but that isn't me…I mean reading Yuri is like a sin here…

Hasea:…(This place is no different from the real world…the same prejudice…the same intolerance…WAIT A MINUTE SHE'S A LESBIAN!)

Aina: Take me Hasea!

Hasea: (Oh crud what now!)

Saku: I'm Back!

Aina: Oh! Uhm, well. Over there is the central office were the Queen of Fangirl city lives.

Haseo: (There's our target then!)

Saku: I see, they are doing a great job! THIS PLACE RULES!

Hasea: (Hits her head…)

Bo: What?

Hasea: (oh crap)

Bo: Were am I…and what's in this bag (Looks…). (I must have switched with Saku!)

Hasea: WE HAVE TO BE GOING NOW!

Aina: Wait for me! (Hasea doesn't)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Outside main building)

Bo: We're am I, and why am I wearing this?

Hasea: We're infiltrating Fangirl city.

Bo:…Haseo…you're so…

Hasea: Don't say it…

Bo: (Laughing on the inside)

Hasea: Man I can't move in this skirt…

Bo: You get use to it.

Hasea: (stares)

Bo: Saku! (A little too defensive…)

Hasea: Oh…

Hasea: (Calls the group) We're infiltrating. Get ready!

(Group appears.)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Infiltration)

Hasea: This place is so creepy…

Kuhn: I know…

Voice: (SCREAMING!)

Bo: The sound of FF bishies being forced against there will…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Large room)

Haseo: Were are we?

Queen Fangirl: Welcome D.I.S.S.

Hasea: We are here to stop you and rescue the FF people!

Millions of Fangirls: SQUEEE!

Kuhn: (hyperventilating)

Hasea:…Oh god…

Queen Fangirl: A cross-dressing bishie perfect!

Bo: (Glad they don't know I'm a he.)

Queen Fangirl: Capture them!

Fangirl Army: SQUEEEE!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Jail)

Haseo: So close…

Kuhn: Are we going to rot here…

Atoli: All that training for nothing…

Shino: I'm emo now…

Endrance: (Crying because they know they want people like him)

Alkaid: This is the worst.

Sophora: Hold me Silabus…

Silabus: (Holds her)

Bordeaux: AHHH!

Azure Trio:…we never even got our first kiss…

Atoli Alkaid and Bordeaux: You're getting nothing from me…

Azure Trio:…

Gabi: I'm Gabi D

Tabby: Cheer up guys!

Haseo: How?

(Someone else is thrown in jail)

Aina: Oh, Hello again Hasea…or is it Haseo…

Haseo:…Haseo, sorry.

Aina: It's okay…

(Guards come back)

Guards: We are here for the cross-dressing Bishie…

Endrance: (Phew…WAIT!)

Haseo: I only dressed like this to get inside!

Guards: We don't care SQUEEE!

(They Take Haseo away)

Endrance: NOO-

Saku: Shut up, your on thin ice as it is.

Kuhn: You're back to un-normal…

Saku: Shut up…We need to escape!

Aina: Oh my, you're so passionate…

Kuhn: She's a he…

Aina:…JUST WHO'S WHAT ANYMORE!

(Overhearing Guards)

Gaurd1: bishie bishie, Yaoi squeee

Guard2: Bishie man love squee Bishie

Gaurd1: Squee?

Guard 2: Bishie…

Kuhn: What are they saying?

Saku: They are arguing over weather it's cuter if Cloud is on top of Sephiroth, or vice-versa…

Kuhn: Why do I want to bludgeon my self with a brick now?

Saku: We need to distract them.

Kuhn: How…

Saku: We need to have some man love in here. You and Endrance kissing will work.

Kuhn:….(hyperventilates)

Endrance: I draw the line at Kuhn.

Saku: You want to get out of here or what?

Endrance: Not if it means kissing him…

Kuhn: Ditto…

Saku:…I know, Alkaid Sophora, you both know transformation Jutsu!

Alkaid: (Sigh)…Well unlike some bigoted men we know what's important…

Sophora:…true…

(Both Transform into Endrance and Kuhn respectively and kiss)

Kuhn: AHH, THIS IS JUST AS BAD!

Endrance: MAKE IT STOP!

Guards: SQUEEEE! (Gets close to cage to see it)

Saku: (Steal keys…little pickpocket…)

(They transform back)

Guards: AHH (run)

Aina: Do that without transforming.

Kuhn: Yes, do!

Alkaid and Sophora: No…

Kuhn and Aina: Dang…

(They break free)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Outside all the Fangirls have turned into an ARMY)

Kuhn: Damn it…

Silabus: We will fight!

Shino: A grand battle for the world to see our heroism!

Saku: I'll break into the computer that runs this place to see if I can do anything to help.

Bordeaux: I'll help!

Gabi: I'll go with you!

Group: Huh?

Gabi: I mean…I'M GABI D

Group: Oh.

Atoli: Well everyone.

Alkaid: CHARGE!

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(Big room that's like a coliseum)

Saku: This is were we were captured.

Siris: (Beastly Voice) SQUEEEEEE!

Vice-Queen Fangirl: None of you will be leaving…

Bordeaux: Saku, me and Gabi will distract her so you can go do something useful!

Saku: Right.

Bordeaux: Let's go Gabi!

Gabi: I'm Gabi (

Bordeaux: CHARGE!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The room were Haseo is held and they force Bishies on each other)

Queen Fangirl: (sliding threw chained bishies like cards) No, no, no, no, no…

Haseo: You are a sick-

Queen Fangirl: Duh, I'm a Fangirl…Oh I know just the one. He's new.

Minato: Help me…

Haseo: Who are you?

Minato: I'm from Persona high…

Haseo: Never heard of it…

Minato: Not many people have…

Queen Fangirl: (Puts headbands on the two)

Minato: I heard that you are still aware of everything you do…

Haseo: I'm gonna kill myself...

Minato: You and me both…

Queen Fangirl: (Turns on headbands…but nothing happens) What?

Saku: Nothing's gonna happen because I short-circuited your headband system…(Presses button that releases Haseo and Minato).

Haseo: This is were I kill you!

Minato: You and me both. I'll help. (Takes out a gun and points it at his head)

Haseo: ARE YOU EMO! Cause you have the emo haircut.

Minato: NO I'M NOT! Actually I'm suppose to be a silent protagonist but I needed wording for this part…Anyway just look what happens when I pull the trigger like this.

Queen Fangirl: FANGIRL BEAM!

Haseo: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

Minato: No, she broke my back…

Haseo: Oh…

Minato: You can't beat her like this!

Haseo: Why-

Queen Fangirl: FANGIRL PUNCH!

Haseo: AHHHH!

Minato: See…

Haseo: Okay then how?

Minato: You must use the power gained by copyright infringement!

Haseo:…OH COURSE!

Minato: Take my gun and shoot yourself in the head with it.

Haseo: No…

Queen Fangirl: FANGIRL KICK!

Haseo: AHHHH!

Minato: See…

Haseo: Fine (picks up gun) Guys! If you can hear me on the giant-ass TV screen the listen up! IF WE ARE GOING TO BEAT THESE GUYS WE NEED TO USE COPYRIGHT INFRINGMENT! FANGIRLS CAN'T BE BEATEN LIKE THIS CUASE THEY LACK LOGIC! WE HAVE TO MATCH THEM!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Outside the group is loosing)

Kuhn: He's right! Guys! IT'S TIME TO BRING OUT THE FULL FORCE!

(Blues Drive Monster from The Pillows starts playing)

Kuhn: I AM (Transforms) KUHN THE STAMPEDE! BEHOLD MY KICK ASS ARM THAT TURNS INTO A KICK ASS GUN!

Fangirls: AHHHH!

Silabus: Right! (Takes out a Lion doll thing)

Kon: Were the F am I!

Silabus: Sorry I need your soul candy! (Eats it) I AM SHINIGAMI SILABUS! NOW SCREAM ZANGETSU!

Fangirls: AHHHH!

Endrance: When my blood boils I am (Transforms) NEKO'YASHA!

Fangirls: SQUEEE!

Neko'Yasha: TETSAIGA!

Fangirls: AHHHH!

Shino: Well (Transforms) I am Shotono…EAT BULLETS (Shoots Fangirls)

Fangirls: AHHHH!

Sophora: SKREW NARUTO (rumps into the air) (Returns wearing a bunny girl outfit only with cat ears and is surfing on a guitar) I am Soruko SoruSora! EAT GUITAR!

Fangirls: AHHHH!

Atoli: I am (Transforms) Cardcaptor Atoli! GO THE WINDY!

Fangirls: AHHH!

Alkaid: Oh ya well I'm (Transforms) Syaoran Alkaid!? What gives!

Cardcaptor Atoli: It suits you for some reason…

Syaoran Alkaid: AHHH FANGIRLS GO DOWN!

Fangirls: AHHHH!

Azure Kite: I AM (Transforms) Kistang the flame Zombie Alchemist!

Azure Balmung: I AM (Transforms) Bal the Full Zombie Alchemist!

Azure Orca: I AM (Transforms) Orca Luis Armstrong the Zombie Arm Alchemist! (Flexes)

Fangirls: AHHHHH!

Tabby: OHH MY TURN! (Transforms) I am Tabby Clanclan! (Transforms into a tiger and rips Fangirls to shreds!)

Everyone: HOLY!

Aina: Oooh!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Music is still rolling people!)

Bordeaux: Gabi I choose you!

Gabi: Gabi-bi!

Vice-Queen Fangirl: Do Siris!

Siris: SQUEEEE!

Bordeaux: Gabi! Flame Punch!

Gabi: GABIGABIGABI (attacks)

Narrator: It's not very effective…

Vice-Queen Fangirl: Siris use Fangirl Furry Punch!

Siris: SQUEEEEEE!

Narrator: It's super effective!

Bordeaux: Oh ya! Gabi, GABI BEAR HUG!

Gabi: I'M GABI D!

Siris: AHHHHH!

Narrator: WTF its super-super-super effective!

Vice-Queen Fangirl: I lost!

Bordeaux: DAMN RIGHT YOU DID!

Vice-Queen Fangirl: I'm not done yet! Go Fangirlchu!

Fangirlchu: Fangirlchu!

Bordeaux: Let's go Gabi!

Gabi: GABIGABI!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(DON'T STOP ROCKING!)

Haseo: Do you see now!

Queen Fangirl: We will not lose!

Haseo: Now it's my turn. (Shoots himself in the head with the gun Minato gave him)!

Skeith: (Appears) I am though, and though are I! From the sea of thy soul I am Skeith master of death…WTF aren't we going to get sued! I mean look at all this! AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING A SKIRT!

Haseo: NO TIME TO ARGUE! WE FIGHT!

Queen Fangirl: I will beat you!

(Freeze frame) Voice: Oh man, the gang is in for it now huh? Can they pull though? Find out next time on Digim-

Ms. Pie: WRONG!

Voice: Oh, Find out next time on .hack//Resident Fangirl!

Outtakes for the spoof---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(You'll wear what?)

Haseo: A sailor suit?

Yata: Yes?

Haseo: (Mumbling) But I have some Sailor moon outfits at home that were tailor made to fit me, cant those work?

Yata:…You have what?

Haseo: YOU HEARD NOTHING!

Author: CUT!

(Cardcaptor Atoli take one)

Cardcaptor Atoli: GO THE WINDY!

(Skirts fly up)

Kuhn the Stampede: OH MY!

Author: (Nose-bleed) CUT!

(Cardcaptor Atoli take two)

Cardcaptor Atoli: GO THE WATER!

(outfits get soaked by cold water)

Kuhn the Stampede: OH YA!

Author: (Double Nose-Bleed) CUT!

(Cardcaptor Atoli take three!)

Cardcaptor Atoli: GO THE FIRE!

(Cloths burned)

Kuhn: OH YES YES YES!

Author:…CUT…and I need a new shirt…(blood stains)…Just go with the first one and cut out Kuhn's line…

(Haseo's guilty pleasure)

Bo: Anyone seen Haseo? We need to film the infiltration seen!

Atoli: I think he's in his room!

Shino: I'll go get him.

Haseo: (In his room cosplaying as Sailor moon) What!

Shino: (Takes pictures) Ohh Haseo, kinky.

Haseo: It's not what it looks like!

Author: I am SO SUED!

(Haseo and persona)

Haseo: (Shoots himself and dies…)

Author: Wasn't that a fake gun..

Minato:…oops…

Author: ENDRANCE!

Endrance: WITH THIS KISS OF LIFE HASEO WILL LIVE!

Haseo: DON'T YOU KISS ME!

Author:…Okay…

(It's Morphing time!)

Haseo: It's MORPHING TIME! BLACK! (So goth)

Atoli: WHITE! (So me)

Shino: GREY! (No comment)

Silabus: (Lime) GREEN! (Eat your fruits)

Kuhn: (Dark) GREEN! (Quagmire! GIGITY GIGITY!)

Sophora: PURPLE! (I like this color)

Alkaid: ORANGE! (DATTA-BAYO!)

Bo: (Baby) BLUE! (I'm not a baby!)

Saku: (Baby) PINK! (Oh Ya!)

Bo: BLUE!

Saku: PINK!

Saku/Bo: PINK/BLUE!

Endrance: BLUE! (So elegant)

Tabby: PINK! (PINK!)

Bordeaux: (Poison) PINK! (Poison you!)

Gabi: GABI (Red)

Azure Kite: AZURE BLUE (I'm so badass!)

Azure Balmung: AZURE BLUE (NO, I'm so badass!)

Azure Orca: AZURE BLUE! (NO YOU'RE BOTH WRONG! I'm so badass!)

Haseo: WE ARE THE HACKER RANGERS!

Author: What was I thinking CUT!

Haseo: Aww….

Reasons I'm getting sued…--------------------------------------------------------------------------

A list of the cameos made for anyone who doesn't understand…

Kuhn the Stampede cameos Vash the Stampede from TriGun (Vash is kinda perverted and they both use guns)

Shinigami Silabus cameos Shinigami Ichigo from Bleach (Ichigo requires his spirit be separated from his body to become a shinigami and eating Kon's soul candy lets him do that)

Neko'Yasha cameos Inu'Yasha from Inu'Yasha (NekoCat/InuDog)

Shotono cameos Motoko from Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex (I was running out of ideas!)

Soruko SoruSora cameos Haruko HaruHara from Fooly Cooly (Who does in one episode flies in on a guitar wearing a bunny suite)

CardCaptor Atoli cameos CardCaptor Sakura from CardCaptor Sakura (Who uses her own kind of tarot cards to fight)

Sayoran Alkaid cameos Sayoran Li from CardCaptor Sakura (Li is a boy and he and Sakura are a couple at the end LOL)

Kistang Azure Flame Alchemist cameos Mustang Flame Alchemist from Full Metal Alchemist (They are both Pyros…)

Bal Full Zombie Alchemist cameos Ed Full Metal Alchemist from Full Metal Alchemist (I don't know why I chose him…)

Orca Luis Armstrong the Zombie Arm Alchemist cameos Alex Luis Armstrong the Strong Arm Alchemist from Full Metal Panic (They both have mussels and Alex likes to flex shirtless…)

Tabby Clanclan cameos Aisha Clanclan from outlaw star (They are both Catgirls and Aisha turns into a tiger)

Bordeaux and Gabi are parodying Pokemon obviously…

The ending parodies Digimon…

Some of you might not understand Minato so I will try to explain. Minato is the manga name for the main char. Of Persona 3 (he has no official name in the game as you make it and the game is yet to be released in America at the time this is written). Persona 3 has you shoot yourself in the head (with a special kind of gun!) to summon powerful personas…Man think if the fun I could have had by other things popping out of the new hole in Haseo's head…

End Transmission--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	5. Chapter 5

.hack//Resident Fangirl

Part 5: Haseo…man…that…just read…

Mrs. Pie: You're still reading…well author has been sued…here is the footage.

(Scene)

Judge: Author, you are charged with LOTS of copyright infringements…

Jury: (ALL OF THEM ARE HASEO) GUILTY!

Judge: How do you plead?

Author: Innocent by reason of insanity!

Judge: You're proof?

Author: I'M AN AUTHOR ON FANFICTION!

Judge: Case Dismissed!

Jury: WHAT!

Judge: The boy obviously has no sensibility. I mean he's bashing Fangirls on the place were they prowl and litter with the insidious squees of theirs!

Author:…

(End Scene)

Ms. Pie: Ya, well what happened. Numerous copyright infringements and more demolition of Haseo's rep…does he even have any more rep? I bet the author has more rep then Haseo at this point!

Author: Ya! That's just sad!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Fangirl wars)

Kuhn the Stampede: (Shooting Fangirls!) Damn it when ever I shoot one another appears!

Shotono: (Also Shooting) This is not good.

Fangirls: SQUEEEE! (Attacking with Fangirl Beams!)

Neko'Yasha: BACKLASH WAVE!

Fangirls: SQUEEEE (Thos are squees of pain…)

Syaoran Alkaid: TAKE THIS, AND THAT, AND SOME OF THIS! (Cuts a Fangirl in two only for it to regenerate as two!) HOLY (censored)!

Soruko Sorusora: Ahh, guys how are we going to deal with this if they multiply.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Fangirl Coliseum)

Bordeaux: Now Gabi, FLAME-GABI!

Fangirlchu: Chuuu!

Vice-Queen Fangirl: Fangirlchu, use THUNDER SQUEE!

Fangirlchu: SQUEEEEEE!

Gabi: I'm Gabi :(

Bordeaux: Gabi, use Gabi Rock!

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Fangirlchu: (Faints)

Bordeaux: Ha, nothing can stand up to Gabi!

Vice-Queen Fangirl: Let's see how he handels against this. Come Kimhari.

Kimhari: (Has a color on) Kimhari in not a furry-slave!

Vice-Queen Fangirl: Oh, too bad (presses button THAT WORKS)

Kimhari: AHHHH! KIMHARI MUST RESIST!

Vice-Queen Fangirl: Ohh, you thought you could break free. HAHAHAHA!

Bordeaux:…I don't like you. You're the kind of bitch that gives us other bitches a really bad name. We bitches are suppose to skrew everyone over and make their lives a living hell. But you are the sadistic kind of bitch that thinks she can do whatever she wants. I don't like you. In the name of Tarvos, goddess of bitches I will defeat you.

Vice-Queen Fangirl: Whatever. Kimhari use FUURY LOVE!

Kimhari: NOOO, KIMHARI DOESN'T WANT TO! (But cant control his body)

Gabi: (Running like hell…)

Vice-Queen Fangirl: AHAHAHAHAHA! I will record this and win an emmy!

Bordeaux: I wont let you. There is only one weapon left in Gabi's arsenal I have yet to unleash. For twenty-four minutes we all trained with the great gods. Gabi, show him what you learned!

Gabi: Gabi REBIRTH!

Audience: WTF!

Kimhari: AHHHH, KIMHARI THANKS YOU! (Freed)

Gabi: Anything for a fellow member of the goup of people that say their name a lot.

Vice-Queen Fangirl: Don't think you won yet! I have more!

Bordeaux: Bring it bitch.

Vice-Queen Fangirl: GO RED XIII!

Red XIII: I'm not even humonoide and I'm held against my will…

Gabi: Gabi!

Bordeaux: GO!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Haseo vs. Queen Fangirl)

Haseo: Ready to fight skeith! (Has his own sythe out)

Skeith: Can you fight in a skirt…

Haseo: SHUT UP ABOUT THAT! I HAVENT GOTTEN A CHANCE TO CHANGE!

Skeith:…Whatever…

Queen Fangirl: FANGIRL SLASH!

Haseo: AHHH!

Skeith: Oh ya! SKEITH SHOT!

Queen Fangirl: (Doges) My power is equal to the number of Fangirls…and gues what…THERE ARE OVER NINE THOUUUUUUUUUUUUSAND!

Haseo: Oh god let's stay out of the DBZ territory…

Queen Fangirl: Fine…KAMEHAMEFANGIRL!

Haseo: AHHH! I said stay OUT of the DBZ territory…

Queen Fangirl: Skrew the rules I HAVE PINK HAIR!

Haseo: Damn it…WELL I HAVE GREY HAIR!

Queen Fangirl: So do OLD people…

Haseo: WELL TAKE THIS! HASEO ATTACK!

Queen Fangirl: What a borring attack. Time to get drawn-out! PINKLAZOROFIMINENTDEATHANDPAIN!

Haseo: AHHHHH THE NAME IS SO LONG AND POWERFUL!

Skeith: Oh ya! JUDEMENTOFTHEETERNALSINNERSANDFOOLS!

Queen Fangirl: AHHH LONG AND COOL!

Skeith: That's how I roll!

Queen Fangirl: Then it's time to roll out the Fangirls two secret weapon. UNLEASH PIROS THE THIRD!

Skeith: Oh….

Haseo: Oh…

Piros the Third: BEHOLD I AM PIROS THE THIRD, THE SLOWDOBERMENFALLENEAGLERISENFROMTHEASHESOFDEATHTOCOMBATTHENEFARIOUSTRI-EDGEONLYTOBEENSLAVEDBYFANGIRLS!

Haseo: Oh god…you did'nt make him do that did you!

Queen Fangirl: ARE YOU KIDDING ME HELL TO THE NO!

Haseo: Oh thank god…

Queen Fangirl: Now unleash our second weapon. SUPER EVIL SENTAI SILVER OVAN!

Haseo: I thought we quite the powe- OVAN!

Queen Fangirl: He's going to fight your friends…

Haseo: Damn you…

Queen Fangirl: Get'em Piros the…the…what is it again? (EVIL)

Piros the Third: (Gasp) I am PIROS THE THIRD THE(He woant stop talking…)

Skeith: It's so cold…

Haseo: MAKE IT STOP!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Outside)

Cardcaptor Atoli: They just keep coming…

Aina: BROTHER!

Shotomo: Hunk?

SUPER EVIL SENTAI SILVER OVAN:…

Aina: Brother I came here cause I heard you were hear.

SUPER EVIL SENTAI SILVER OVAN: Begone!

Aina: AHH!

Group: AINA!

SUPER EVIL SENTAI SILVER OVAN: I am the SUPER SENTAI of Queen Fangirl! Now, BEHOLD (unlocks armcase!) BURN THIS INTO YOUR EYES!

Kistang the Flame Zombie Alchemist: BURN!

SUPER EVIL SENTAI SILVER OVAN: AHHH!

Kistang the Flame Zombie Alchemist: That's for tearing me in half so many times…

SUPER EVIL SENTAI SILVER: (Comes up) DON'T YOU KNOW THAT THE EXTRA RANGER WHEN CONTROLLED BY EVIL IS ALWAYS MOOOOORE POOOOWERFUL!

Shinigami Silabus: That sucks…

Aina: Ya, but family bonds overcome everything! Brother, you woul hurt me…

SUPER EVIL SENTAIL SILVER OVAN:…No…I…no…AHHHHH, I AM NO LONGER EVIL!

Group: That didn't take long…

SUPER SENTAI SILVER OVAN: I AM SUPER SENTAIL SILVER OVAN THAT FIGHTS FOR GOOD!

Kuhn the Stampede: WE DON'T CARE ABOUT GOOD OR BAD, JUST BASH THE FANGIRLS!

SUPER SENTAIL SILVER OVAN: I shall use this cursed power…TO BASH FANGIRLS!

Aina: Ahem…

SUPER SENTAI SILVER: Then I use this power to bash straight Fangirls…

Saku: (from nowere) Ahem…

Kuhn the Stampede: You don't reallly count…

Saku: BRICK POWER!

Kuhn the Stampede: AHHHH!

SUPER SENTAI SILVER: (BASHING STRAIGHT FANGIRLS)

Fangirls: SQUEEEE (Squeeing in pain)

Kuhn the Stampede: But whenever we get one, it becomes two. At this rate their will be OVER NINE MILLIOOOOOOON!

Tabby Clanclan: My tummies full.

Bal the Full Zombie Alchemist: Is it safe to eat them…

Tabby Clanclan: I need some medicine…

Aina: Here you go Tabby…

Tabby Clanclan: Thank you!

Aina: For you anything…

Tabby Clanclan: I'M HUNGRY!

Fangirls: AHHHH!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Fangirl Colesium)

Bordeaux: You're running out of furries…

Vice-Queen Fangirl: All of them brought down by this single piece of raw mussel, how does he do it? No matter! Behold, the ultimate! Inu'Yasha and Sesshomaru!

Inu'Yasha: KILL ME!

Sesshomaru: I am tainted…

Bordeaux: Man you Fangirls are seriously wrong on just about every level. THEY'RE HALF-BROTHERS!

Vice-Queen Fangirl: They could be full brothers and not make a difference I mean them together is so SQUEEEE!

Inu'Yasha: AHH THE DEVIL!

Sesshomaru: (Starts vomiting)

Gabi: (pitifully) Gabi…

Bordeaux: Get ready Gabi…this is it…

Gabi: Gabi!

Inu'yasha: Brother, I think these nice people want to save us!

Sesshomaru: Oh kind stranger thank you. They were having another marathon next week?

Bordeaux: Marathon?

Vice-Queen Fangirl: ONE WEEK PACKED WITH THE HOTTEST BISHIES!

Inu'Yasha: The devil is speaking brother!

Sesshomaru: Ignore her brother…

Vice-Queen Fangirl: Turn on collars and go. Fight'em Doggy-style!

Bordeaux: Say'wha…

Gabi: Gabi…

Bordeaux: Okay Gabi! Use Gabi Flurry!

Inu'Yasha: AHHH, I CAN FEEL THE HEADBAND LOOSING IT'S EFFECT!

Sesshomaru: AHH, I AM SORRY (pounces…)

Gabi: GABIGABIGABI (running like hell)

Vice-Queen Fangirl: HAHAHAHA, You can't stop the smexy!

Bordeaux: Oh you just did not say smexy!

Vice-Queen Fangirl: Smexy smexy smexy!

Bordeaux: That's it! GABI USE GABI REBIRTH MK. II

Gabi: Gabi?

Bordeaux: JUST DO TI!

Gabi: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII (PWNS)

Inu'Yasha: Brother, the pain is so much, but it is nothing with the taste of freedom…

Sesshomaru: The end of the tyranny has come.

Vice-Queen Fangirl: No, I'm out of furry bishies!

Bordeaux: Now it's my turn to beat the crap out of you!

Vice-Queen Fangirl: No! (Dissipates because Fangirls don't die…they are just that way…)

Bordeaux: Come on Gabi and other furry peoples. We need to save everyone!

Furry People: LONG LIVE BORDEAUX AND GABI!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back to Piros the Third)

Piros the Third: (WON'T STOP TALKING!)

Skeith: I can't go on much longer Haseo…I must go…(disappears)

Haseo: BASTERD!

Queen Fangirl: AHAHAHAHAHA! Can't take it! Don't you know? We Fangirl don't die as easily as Vice-Queen Fangirl.

Haseo: I have to stop this but how.

Voice: Haseo….

Haseo: What?

Voice: HASEO!

Haseo: DON'T YELL!

Voice: Sorry…but you need to know this. Fangirl litter everything with guyxguy. They CAN'T stop staring. It's impossible for them. You need to give them something so disgusting that they will want to die because they can't turn away. You know what you have to do…

Haseo:…DAMN IT ALL TO HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Voice: WOULD YOU WRATHER SPEND ANOTHER MINUTE IN THIS HORRIBLE CTY FOR THE REST OF YOU'RE LIFE?

Haseo: No…(breaks-down) but I don't want to, no one would want to…

Voice:…I'm sorry…but this is your destiny…

Haseo: Now I really want to kill myself.

Voice: Kidding…

Haseo: Fine…for the sake of the world…I will…

Piros the Third: (Won't shut up)

Queen Fangirl: Is that hope I see in your eye?

Haseo: No, it's a pool of despair over what I will now do. PIROS SHUT UP AND PUCKER UP!

Piros the Third: (Haseo plugs his mouth with his own…)

Queen Fangirl:…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, THIS IS WROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG! HASEO IS SUPPOSED TO KISS ENDRANCE OR SILABUS, BUT NOT PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haseo: (Brushing his teeth with acid)

Queen Fangirl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Causes a spatial distortion)

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(TV screen outside showed the whole thing…)

Fangirls: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (implode)

Kuhn the Stampede: Haseo your sacrifice shall be remembered forever…

Shotono: Actually I would like to forget about it right now…

Sayoran Alkaid: CAN WE JUST GO BACK TO NORMAL.

Neko'Yasha: Do we have too…

Cardcaptor Atoli: I'm enjoying this a lot!

Sayoran Alkiad: WE GO BACK NOW!

(No more copyright infringement)

Saku: Hey there's Haseo

Tabby: You did it Haseo!

Haseo: Don't remind me…

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(Back to school students!)

Ms. Pie: Well were back in this dump, well we have a new student.

Aina: Hello.

Ms. Pie: This is Aina, be nice…

Haseo: (Same old life same old school)

Sakaki: (On PA) This is you new principle Sakaki here to tell you-

Zelkova: Sakaki stop pretending you're the principle. Well I have news. The PE class has been found and they appear to be back to normal. Isn't that great! Fangirl city has been nuked and all that's left is a pile a radiation! Isn't that cool! This is principle Zelkova out!

Ms. Pie: What kind of school is run by a kid…

Kuhn: Ms. Pie, are you okay?

Ms. Pie: I'm very tired of putting up with my life…

Kuhn: Would a hug help?

Ms. Pie:…NOT FROM YOU! WHO WANTS EXRA CREDIT!

Kuhn: (Pounded by bricks)

Ms. Pie: Wow, with all the bricks being thrown everyone has an A except for Kuhn who is failing…

Kuhn: WHAT! If I fail I can't move onto the next grade and If I don't do that I won't see how the girls develop…(Pounded by bricks again)

Haseo:…Another day…another headache…

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(Haseo's house)

Haseo: I'm home!...Nobodies home but me…typical…Man ever since my brother Sora died they have been so quiet towards me…the problem is I don't ever remember having a brother named Sora…(Haseo looks at himself in a mirror only to see his reflection is the Fangirl Queen) AHHH!

Fangirl Queen: What's the matter Haseo? Hehe HEHE AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Haseo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bonus Chapter time!----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Yata winning a duel?)

Yata: Okay, BURST STREAM Blue-eyes ultimate dragon!

Opponent: Shadow spell! Kuribo now Riryoku to zap half your attack into kuriboh and tribute to the doomed and Twin Sword of Flashing light Tyrce. Kuriboh attack twice and game!

Yata: I lost…to…Kuriboh…

(Aina and Tabby)

Tabby: Jeez I'm thirsty…

Aina: Here is some water Tabby!

Tabby: Thank you!

Aina: Anything for you Tabby.

Tabby: You sure are a nice person Aina.

Aina: Thank you Tabby. Tabby?

Tabby: Yes.

Aina: What are we?

Tabby: Friends silly!

Aina:…(Friends….)

(Haseo gets what he deserves…or will he?)

Kuhn: Haseo, I've been thinking, you've really been doing some messed up things in this story.

Haseo: I don't do messed up things, the messed up things make me…

Kuhn: So I've been thinking, what can chear up Haseo?

Haseo: Killing me?

Kuhn: NOO! This (locks him in a closet) Have fun.

Haseo: KUHN, I WILL KILL YOU!

Shino: Ohh, it seems Haseo is back for more.

Atoli: Just like Kuhn said.

Alkaid: It's about to get steamy in here.

Bordeaux: I'll love you so much Haseo.

Tabby: YAY!

Aina: I've never been locked in a closet before.

Haseo: KUUUHN I WILL MURDER YOU.

Shino: GET HIM!

Haseo: AHHHHHHH!

(The Next day)

Kuhn: (unlocks door) Have fun Haseo?

Haseo: (Stabs Kuhn)

End Transmission…


	6. Chapter 6

.hack//Resident Fangirl…2!?

Part 1: The naked mile…WAIT A MINUTE-

Reporter: Ever since the events dubbed, Fangirl Mania, the number of Fangirl seems to be dropping…REALLY! Fangirls that weren't infected seems to be returning to normal! However the numbers are still high, but can you imagine were it will be in a month or two! The World- (channel changed)

Haseo: Boring news as ever…

Shino: Isn't it honey. Why don't we do something fun!

Haseo: AHHHH!

(Haseo wakes up)

Haseo: When did dreams that were normally good become nightmares?

Endrance: Problem Haseo?

Haseo: AHHHH!

(Haseo wakes up)

Haseo:…I'm pathetic…

Queen Fangirl: I know.

(Haseo wakes up)

Haseo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Haseo's Mom: STFU N00B!

Haseo: I feel the love.

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(School pledge)

Class: I pledge allegiance

Class: To the Rag

Class: Of the united games of cameo-land

Class: And to the Author who owns it all

Class: One string of school parodies under Aura

Class: Invisible

Class: With milk and cookies for all

Ms. Pie: Who the hell wrote that?

Zelkova: (On PA) I did!

Ms. Pie:…I need another mid-life crisis…Okay Roll call…Pervert.

Kuhn: Here!

Ms. Pie: Want's to die…

Haseo: Here…

Ms. Pie: Head-case…

Saku: HERE!

Ms. Pie: Emo…

Atoli: Here!

Ms. Pie: Bitch…

Bordeaux: Here.

Ms. Pie: Catgirl…

Tabby: Here Nya!

Ms. Pie: Lesbian…

Aina: Here!

Ms. Pie: Pretty boy…

Endrance: Here.

Ms. Pie: Sounds-like-a-boy…

Alkaid: WHAT!

Ms. Pie: Gabi…

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Ms. Pie: Rest of class…

Rest of class: Here.

Ms. Pie: Okay todays lesson is about how Aura overthrew Morganna with the help of some random kid with a bracelet fetish…

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(Lunch)

(Male group)

Haseo: Guys I have bad news…

Kuhn: What?

Silabus: Nightmares again?

Ovan: YOU BETTER NOT BE THINKING OF ANYHTING PERVERSE WITH MY

LITTLE AINA!

Alkaid:…WTF WHY AM I HERE! (Walks off to Female group)

Gaspard: Wow, I'm getting screen time!

Haseo: Normally I dream abut Shino or maybe Tabby, but now I wake up screaming…

Kuhn: Could it have anything to do with the closet?

Silabus: If so it would be your fault for putting him in one again…

Gaspard: Yep.

Saku: WHY AM I HERE!

Haseo: Sometimes I wake up and my ass is sore…

Everyone: Ouch…

(Female Group+Endrance)

Atoli: What are you doing here.

Alkaid: I'M A GIRL AREN'T I

Endrance: Really?

Shino: Why have we separated ourselves by gender?

Tabby: It has to do with today's bet.

Shino: What bet?

Atoli: Well since the fangirls disappeared it has been kind of boring so why don't we do something fun!

Bordeaux: What do we consider fun?

(Closet scene Flashbacks…)

Atoli: Well…that…

Alkaid: I was just over at the guy's table-

Everyone: (Stare)

Alkaid: SHUT UP! And I think we kind of traumatized him…

Everyone: Really?

Aina:…Well you guys did kind of messed him up bad…(I was just in there to be with my Tabby.)

Tabby: I know! First person that can get Haseo to agree to a date is the winner!

Aina:…TT…

Atoli: Winner of what?

Tabby: Oh…How about a date with Haseo?

Shino: Haseo...

Alkaid: And what about the losers!

Bordeaux: Hehehe…I know. In front of the school! One mile lap naked!

Aina: (Nose-bleed)

Endrance: That has a high cost…but a high prize too. I'm in!

Atoli: I'm in!

Alkaid: I'm in!

Tabby: Since it was my idea, I'm in!

Bordeaux: I'm in!

Aina: I'm not in…

Sophora: Ditto…

Shino:…

Atoli: Well Shino?

Shino: I suppose, though none of you stand a chance considering that Haseo actually likes me…

Betters: OH REALLY!

Shino: I hope you all enjoy the breeze…

Aina: (Nose-bleed)

(Male Group)

Kuhn: Hmm (sees Shino approach the unsuspecting Haseo)

Haseo: (wallowing in self-pity)

Shino: Haseo?

Haseo: AHHH (Runs away)

Silabus: That isn't a good sign…

Bo: Poor Haseo…

Gaspard: You switched again.

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Kuhn: Were did you come from.

Gabi: Gabi…

Kuhn:…

Shino: (That isn't a good sign)

Betters: There's no backing out Shino!

Sophora: I'm getting headaches…

Aina: Oh, my Tabby…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Somewhere else…)

Haseo: I'm afraid of Shino now…my life is ruined…

Fangirl Queen: (In a puddle of Haseo's tears) Ha, how pathetic. This is the guy who beat me…

Haseo: SHUT UP!

Fangirl Queen: HAH! I control your dreams. I'm slowly conditioning you into the perfect man-slave bishie! Soon all you'll be able to imagine is Endrance…

Haseo: I hate you.

Endrance: (Alone perfect! Now is my chance…) Oh Haseo…would you like to-

Haseo: NOT UNTIL HELL FREEZES OVER! (Runs)

Endrance:…

Fangirl Queen: (In Haseo's head) You were supposed to let him finish and awkwardly say yes!

Haseo: Didn't you hear me! Not until Hell freezes over!

Fangirl Queen: According to Dante's Inferno the deepest reaches of Hell are frozen!

Haseo: Never read it so don't care.

Random passerby: Have you heard, a movie that if you watch you die in ten days for sure!

Haseo:...WERE IS THAT MOVIE!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Haseo: (Holds movie) This is crazy Haseo, surely you can't be this desperate.

Haseo: You're talking to yourself, you are that desperate…

Haseo: You're right!

(Watches movie)

Haseo:...Okay…(Phone rings)

Haseo: This is it Haseo, your release! (Picks it up) Hello?

Telemarketer: How would you like to-

Haseo: (Hangs up) (Phone rings) Hello?

Haseo's Mom: I'll be home late so try not to kill yourself…

Haseo: (Hangs up) (Phone rings) WHAT!

Voice: You will die in ten days.

Haseo: Really?

Voice: Yes, you will die in ten days.

Haseo: Sailor scouts honor?

Voice:…Yes…

Haseo: THANK YOU!

Voice:…Are you for real?

Haseo: Yes! I want to die! My lie is pathetic. I have an evil sprit in my head that is making me into a boy's boy toy and just most of the girls in my class has made me there unwilling boy toy at one point…that damn closet…

Voice: Oh…wow…I would want to die too…

Haseo: And so I thank you. Bless Morganna (DEVIL) Thank you…

Voice:…I think I'll let you live…

Haseo: WHAT!

Voice: I am an evil spirit, the most evil thing to do to you is to let you live.

Haseo:…You evil little…

Voice: Have a wonderful life HAHAHA!

Haseo: (Hangs up) My life is in the tubes…(Phone rings) What?

Kuhn: Yo, I thought that we would get all the guys together and watch some movies from my 'personal stash!'

Haseo:…Fine…whatever…I don't care anymore…

Kuhn: GREAT see ya soon…

Haseo:…why me…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Haseo: I've never been to Kuhn's house…I wonder what it's like…(Comes to Kuhn's address…it looks like a bar…) Huh? (Enters…IT'S A STRIP BAR!) WTF!

Kuhn's Mom: Hello Haseo!

Haseo: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

Kuhn's Mom: My job, duh!

Haseo: (Speechless…)

Kuhn's dad (Bar owner): Oh Haseo, Kuhn is upstairs. Have fun.

(Upstairs)

Kuhn: You're late…

Haseo: Everything about you now makes sense.

Kuhn: Huh?

Haseo: Nothing…

Kuhn: Okay, so what are we gonna watch first I have-

Haseo: Porn…

Kuhn: Duh.

Silabus: I expected that, so I brought a real movie…

Gaspard: We're going to watch The Grudge…

Silabus: It's a _creeeepy movie…_

Azure Trio: Did we here the magic words?

Haseo:…The loser brigade…

Azure Trio: HEY, ZOMBIES HAVE FEELINGS TOO!

Haseo: Sure they do…

Kuhn: But what about my porn…

Haseo: No…

Silabus: No..

Gaspard: No..

Gabi: Gabi…

Azure Trio: No…

Ovan: No..

Aina: Aww…

Haseo: We're did you come from!

Ovan: I have to baby-sit. I wasn't expecting this though…

Aina: Can I go downstairs then?

Ovan: NO!

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(School Next day)

Haseo: (Up all night cause Fangirl Queen was having fun with his dreams…)

(Elsewhere)

Atoli: I will now steal Haseo's heart with this meal! Salad, after all no one should kill poor animals to eat!

Alkaid: Your wimpy salad is no match for my instant ramen special!

Tabby: I brought a grilled fish!

Bordeaux: I brought bratwurst for lunch.

Atoli: And for Haseo…

Bordeaux: Oh, that's what you're all talking about…then I guess a bratwurst.

Endrance: Fresh onion soup!

Shino: Dumplings.

Atoli: It doesn't matter what you all brought because mine is the best!

Alkaid: Mine is better!

Bordeaux: Oh yeah, mine is better!

Tabby: Why don't we all just go to Haseo and see who's he prefers?

(Back in class)

Haseo: (Sees the approaching man handlers and starts sweating)

All of them: HASEO!

Haseo: AHHH! (Runs)

Kuhn: Wow, he is messed up. Just what did you do to him.

(This part of the fic is to adult for any of you…)

Kuhn: DAMN!

Aina: (Mouth-open)

Silabus: No wonder.

Gaspard: Uhh…what was the…never mind.

Sophora: (Writing it all down)

Silabus: (Sweating…)

(Elsewhere)

Haseo: It's official, I'm a gynophobia…

Queen Fangirl: Fear of the opposite sex? But you ran from Endrance?

Haseo: What's the difference between him and girls?

Queen Fangirl: He's a bishie now go in there and except his offer, rejecting all girls, as you come to realize it's not girls, but men that drive you!

Haseo:…NOT EVEN IF HELL FREEZES OVER!

Queen Fangirl:…Too bad! (Takes control of Haseo's peanut sized brain)

Haseo:…AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Queen Fangirl: Now, repeat after me, I like guys that are pretty.

Haseo: I lIKe gUyS THaT arE PreTTY.

Queen Fangirl: I think girls are yucky and are only out to take advantage of me.

Haseo: That's true though…

Queen Fangirl: REPEAT!

Haseo: I ThInK GiRLS aRe YUcKy ANd aRE OnLy OuT TwO tAKe AdVANTagE Of ME.

Queen Fangirl: Now, go in there and pledge you're love!

(Back in class)

Girls (Including Endrance): (Arguing)

Haseo: (Bursts in)

Girls (Yes, that means Endrance as well…): Haseo! Who's food do you like more!

Haseo: I reject ALL of IT! i AM here TO tell THE kindest SOUL my LOVE!

Girls (…): And who is it?

Haseo: AHHHH…GAAAAAHH…I LIKE…. KUHN!

Kuhn: AHHH!

Queen Fangirl: WHAAAT! NO NOT HIM! ENDRANCE!

Haseo: NO! Endrance IS evil! LIKE girls TRY and TAKE advantage of me! KUHN best FRIEND that TRY and HELP me MOST of TIME! Fangirl QUEEN in HEAD make ME like GUYS! save ME kuhn.!.!.!

Kuhn: What, the Fangirl Queen is alive in your head and making you do this.

Queen Fangirl: GAAH! I'm found out!

Atoli: That explains it!

Alkaid: I mean who on earth can like Kuhn.

Bordeaux: Agreed.

Shino: Explains so much.

Endrance: Dastardly queen trying to mess up my Haseo. (Irony…)

Tabby: Wow! In his head?

Shino: How do we get her out?

Kuhn: Only one group has been studying Fangirls long enough to know…Fanboys!

Bonus Chapter------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Dating lessons from Hiiragi)

Sophora: Silabus…

Silabus: Yes?

Sophora: I wondering if this dress would look good on me?

Silabus: (Knows it wont) Well n-(Freeze frame)

Hiiragi: Have you ever been in this situation? About to say something to ruin everything. Well with dating lessons from me, you will be able to charm anyone! Right now Silabus is about to say Sophora wont look good in that dress. Let's see how this will end.

Silabus: Well no…

Sophora:…(TARGET LOCKED: INITIATING BATTLE MODE)

Silabus: AHHHH!

Hiiragi: Oh my, who would have thought Sophora had ninja training, not Silabus that's for sure. But let's rewind. Lesson 1: NEVER EVER SAY YOU'RE GIRL/BOYFRIEND DOESN'T LOOK GOOD IN A CERTAIN DRESS! Now if it is true don't say she or he doesn't, but quickly pick out a dress and say she or he would look better in this one. This way she or he will be extra happy since you picked it out and will give the guise that you have some form of sense in fashion. Now rewind.

Silabus: Well…uhh…You would look much better in this one!

Sophora: Oh really!

Silabus: YES!

Sophora: Oh Silabus, I'm so happy!

Hiiragi: And that's how it's done. You're happy, they are happy, and most of all you will keep you're limbs. Just take it from these people who didn't follow my advise.

Cloud: (in wheel-chair since he's missing his legs.) I thought I could just say no and shrug it off…I was wrong.

Squall: (Missing an arm) I now never go shopping with Rinoa, never!

Zidane: Never EVER get a queen pissed!

Tidus: All I said was that stripes would make her look fat and she had Bahamut trying to eat me!

Fayt: I'm to afraid to go to the mall now…

Hiiragi: Don't let this happen to you, simply come to my dating class, and you will be able to capture any man's heart!

Author: Ahem…

Hiiragi: And a woman's heart too…

END-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	7. Chapter 7

.hack//Resident Fangirl…2!?

Part 2: The truth is revealed…that sounds important!

Ms. Pie: Hello, I am here once again to give the previews because the author can't find anything better for me to do…Well the Fangirl Queen has infected what little brain Haseo has. Now he likes guys. Though what no one was expecting was that he would direct this at Kuhn! Why? Well let's take a little look inside Haseo's head.

(Haseo's head)

Ms. Pie: Wow, the Fangirl Queen sure has remodeled…well let's take a look at Haseo's affection-o-meter. As you can see...well, maybe not…Haseo hates everyone, but he hates Kuhn the least. The Fangirl Queen wanted him to fall for Endrance…but if you look closely, Haseo hates Endrance the most…

(Back at Preview report)

Ms. Pie: So, now everyone knows about Haseo's problem and Kuhn says that the only way to save him is to take him to the Fanboys…Well, keep reading…I guess…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The pilgrimage to the lost city of the Fanboys…)

Haseo: (Locked inside an iron cage) AHHhHhhhhHHH!

Bo: Is it okay to keep him in there?

Kuhn: With every second Fangirl Queen controls a little more of him, I don't want him jumping me…

Ovan: That make's sense.

Bo: Good point.

Aina: The lost city of the Fanboys? Who would have thought a place like that existed…

Kuhn: Ya, it does. After all Fangirls and Fanboys have been duking it out from behind the scenes since the dawn of Anime.

Silabus: Wow.

Sophora: It sounds so epic, a battle of good and evil!

Gaspard: In a twisted sense…

Kuhn: Only they have the proper technology to save Haseo.

Atoli: I'm coming!

Shino: Me as well!

Alkaid: Me too!

Bordeaux: No way you're leaving without me!

Tabby: I want to come too!

Endrance: I must help save my Haseo!

Gabi: Gabi :)

Kuhn: Great…just what we needed…

Silabus: I thought it would just be a few of us…

Kuhn: With more of us it will be difficult to get past _The Five Trials._

Bo: What are those?

Kuhn: Five puzzles that are used to determine who are really Fanboys, and who are not.

Ovan: But, none of us are Fanboys (Kuhn is a pervert, not a Fanboy…that's right, there is a difference…).

Kuhn: That is why it will be difficult. I'm just on there mailing list for info on releases of stuff.

Aina: You are too?

Ovan: THAT IS TOO ADULT FOR YOU AINA!

Aina: Spare me, today's generation lacks morals and is slipping down the tubes. I mean you can find grade school students cursing and talking about "The Facts of Life" as if they we're pimps…

Kuhn: My dad is a pimp, that's was how he met mom.

Everyone: 00

Aina:…As I was saying, today's generation lacks morals and sensibility. Why it's a wonder I'm not posing for some sick pedo magazine.

Everyone: 00

Haseo: AHhhHHHhHhhhhhHH!

Kuhn: Okay let's get going!

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(Cleavage Mountain)

Kuhn: This large mountain houses the city.

Aina: I like the name.

Kuhn: Me too, now let's get going.

(The First Trial!)

Bo: (Sees a stack of Yaoi)

Saku: MINE!

Kuhn: WAIT!

Saku: (Stops as a trapdoor opens an inch in front of her.) That was close.

Kuhn: There is a bunch of traps like this to draw out Fangirls.

Silabus: Ingenious.

Sophora: Though drastic.

Kuhn: Well let's get going.

Atoli: What is the first trial?

Kuhn: Hmm, there seems to be a riddle on this door. It's in the Fanboy language.

Alkaid: Fanboys have a language…

Saku: Fangirls have a language too (Remember the scene with the guards back when they were imprisoned?)

Kuhn: My Fanboy is rusty, but It says '_Make out, the life of the Fanboy_' that's it.

Silabus: I don't get it.

Kuhn: Me neither.

Bordeaux: What a cryptic riddle…well isn't the life of a Fanboy centered around anime and all that?

Kuhn: That's it! To open the door, we need girlxgirl action going on! SWEET! We haven't had any of that happen in this fic!

Saku: What about the time Sophora kissed Alkaid?

Kuhn: Ya, but they transformed before doing that so…OMG I REALIZED I REPRESSED THOSE MEMORIES OH GOD IT BURNS!

Endrance: AHHHH!

Haseo: AHHhhhHHHhhHhHhH!

Kuhn: Okay enough of that, who will do the honors!

Atoli: No.

Shino: No.

Alkaid: No.

Bordeaux: No.

Sophora: No.

Saku: No.

Kuhn: You don't count.

Saku: SHUT UP, I'M A GIRL AT HEART!

Silabus: So is Hiiragi…

Saku: Please don't compare me to him…

Kuhn: Well Tabby?

Tabby: Well since everyone else sad no I guess I have to.

Aina: (Hallelujah!)

(TabbyxAina moment)

Aina: (My life is complete.)

Kuhn: The door opened. Let's go!

(The Second Trial!)

Kuhn: Let's see, this reads. _The name of our lord. _The lord of the Fanboys?

Gaspard: And who is that?

Kuhn: Beats me.

Haseo: AHHhHhhhHhhHHhhH!

Endrance: Haseo, calm down!

Haseo: AHH! STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Endrance: I'm hurt…

Kuhn: The door opened…

Aina: That's weird. Maybe it's a dud?

Kuhn: Works for us!

(The Third Trial!)

Kuhn: And it says. _The key is the foolish one's life…_

Silabus: Who's the foolish one?

Kuhn: Knowing Fanboys…Hey Saku!

Saku: What is it?

Kuhn: Well…do you like shots, I'm sure using blood will work?

Saku: ORAI VAC ROM!

Kuhn: (Burnt to a crisp)

Silabus: Well, we kinda need the blood of a Fangirl to open the door…You are the only one here…

Saku: What about Aina, she's a Fangirl, just a lesbian one!

Aina: Ya, but I already did my part for the first trial.

Saku: YOU ENJOYED THAT!

Aina: I can't help the way I am.

Saku: And I can't help that I HATE SHOTS!

Atoli: Don't worry, I have my professional cutters kit. A kit for maintaining knives and razors and healing your cuts. It's great.

Aina: STAY AWAY FROM ME EMO LADY!

Kuhn: Well we're getting no were like this.

Saku: Well you're getting nothing from me…

Kuhn:…

Saku: (Takes out some BL manga to read)

Kuhn: THAT'S IT! (Takes manga and gives it to door as it bursts in flames) A Fangirls life is her manga!

Saku: (jaw-dropped) That was an autographed copy YOU DIMWIT! (Burns Kuhn again…)

(The Fourth Trial!)

Kuhn: It says. _Let the voice of our people resound!_

Alkaid: So, we need to let loose the voice of a Fanboy…WE DON'T HAVE ANY OF THOSE!

Gaspard: Not good…

Shino: But, Haseo! He's a Sailor Moon Fanboy!

Haseo: AHhhHhHhhH!

Kuhn: And the door is open. We sure our zipping through this huh!

Tabby: That's because the author is either lazy or running out of ideas!

(TRAIL FIVE!!!!!)

Kuhn: This is it, Fanboy cities last gate.

Taihaku: Who goes there! I am Taihaku Fanboy cities greatest guard!

Kuhn: We have a problem, our friend Haseo has the spirit of the Fangirl queen in him and we thought you could help him.

Taihaku: The Fangirl Queen, then the one in there is Haseo, the one who defeated the Fangirl Queen?

Kuhn: Yes.

Taihaku: OPEN THE GATES, IT'S HASEO, FANGIRL SLAYER!

(Gate Opens)

Kuhn: Fanboy city.

Aina: Wow!

Atoli:…it's…

Shino:…just…

Alkaid:…so…

Bordeaux:…full…

Endrance:…of…

Tabby: Yuri.

Kuhn and Aina: Salvation!

Silabus: Well, I think it's better then Fangirl city.

Sophora: How?

Silabus: They didn't kidnap anyone.

Sophora: You're right.

Gaspard: It's true.

Gabi: Gabi :)

Taihaku: You all are heralded as heroes here for destroying the Fangirl city. I saw it all and was the voice that told Haseo how to defeat them…it was a major sacrifice.

Group: AHHH WE REPRESSED THE MEMORIES AHHH!

Taihaku: AHHH SO DID I AHHH!

Haseo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SO DID I AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Taihaku: Enough screaming, any and all of Fanboy cities recourses are welcome to these heroes. I will go talk to are chief scientist to talk about saving Haseo.

Kuhn and Aina: (Run to the Manga shop)

Ovan: DON'T THINK YOU'RE GOING ANYWERE WITHOUT ME WHATCHING YOU LIKE A HAWK!

Silabus: Maybe this place has some nice dating spots.

Sophora: Maybe…

Gaspard: I saw a card shop over there wee!

Tabby: A costume shop!

Bo: Wait for me Tabby!

Atoli, Shino, Alkaid, Bordeaux, and Endrance:…this place is deplorable…

Gabi: Gabi :)

(Manga shop)

Kuhn: Ooh, look at all the stuff they have!

Aina: I know! Ooh I want them all!

Kuhn: Heroes get a discount!

Aina: I AM getting them all!

Ovan: AINA! You are not purchasing anything TOO adult for you are you! Cause if you do brother will give you a spanking!

Aina: You're the last person I want to hear that from.

Ovan: DON'T DEFY YOUR BIG BROTHER!

Aina: Can't you find something better to do then tail me?

Ovan: No.

Kuhn: Heh, I'm glad I don't have any older siblings.

Ovan: Be glad you don't have any younger siblings…

Aina: What's that suppose to mean!

Ovan: Nothing!

(Finding dating spots)

Sophora: This place is full of ads…

Silabus: What's so bad about ads?

Sophora: There ads showing yuri couples…

Silabus: Not that one.

Sophora: That's a card game ad.

Silabus: Well at least it's not Fangirl city.

Sophora: True…Well let's try looking for a good place to eat.

Silabus: Hmmm, it seems that everything here you have to cook in a microwave.

Sophora: That can't be healthy.

Silabus: They have soy ramen.

Sophora: Alkaid would have a field day…

Silabus: Well I guess you can only get so much from a place that hasn't seen estrogen for a millennia.

(Card Shop)

Gaspard: Wow, look at everything. Ooh, can I get that pack.

Card Shopkeep: Certainly, and what is your name, I've never seen you before.

Gaspard: Gaspard.

Card Shopkeep: GASPARD! The legendary duelist Gaspard!

Gaspard: Legendary…well I have gone 58765 and 0. Does that count as legendary?

Card Shopkeep: Take this as a gift oh mighty one. I am not worthy to take your money.

Gaspard:…works for me. Hey, are there any good duelists here?

Card Shopkeep: The back of the shop is were Fanboy cities greatest duelists play.

Gaspard: Thanks.

(The costume shop)

Tabby: Wow, look at all the outfits!

Bo: Ya, hey I found one in my size.

Tabby: Red coat, black shirt and matching pants, and faux automial you ware.

Bo: (Changes) I am Bo, the full metal alchemists.

Tabby: No wonder it fits.

Bo: I can't help if I'm short.

Tabby: I thought you were just younger then everyone…

Bo: Oh yeah…

Tabby: What else is there (looks) Oh, I like this one. (Changes)

Bo:…Cat maid (hides a nose-bleed)

Tabby: Don't you love it!

Bo: Ya.

Tabby: I wonder how much it costs.

Costume Shopkeep: Keep it, it's free. (Major nose-bleed)

Tabby: Why don't you get one too Bo.

Bo: What!

(The rest of the group)

Alkaid: Wow, look at all the ramen this place has.

Atoli:…Well I suppose a boy is a boy no matter how you look at it.

Alkaid: INPLYING SOMETHING!

Atoli: Yes Ms. Man!

Shino: Please get along.

Endrance: Who would build a city like this?

Shino: Wouldn't you build a city dedicated to the love of Haseo?

Endrance: No, cause I won't share my Haseo.

Haseo: AHHHhHHhHHH!

Gabi: Gabi :)

Bordeaux:…Hey isn't that the Taihaku guy from earlier.

Taihaku: We are ready for the procedure, gather everyone and follow me.

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(Fanboy city capital building)

Everyone: What are you two wearing!

Tabby: Like it, we're maids!

Bo:…

Aina: It's absolutely perfect on you!

Bo: And I just stand here and gain the contempt of everyone…

Atoli: You look so cute Bo.

Bo: That's what ever boy wants to hear…

Taihaku: When you live in this city you see creepier things.

Kuhn: Okay.

Taihaku: Well shall we get going.

Bordeaux: Who's the king of this place.

Taihaku: We don't have kings, we elect. I am President Taihaku.

Everyone: You're the president!

Taihaku: Yes.

Silabus: We're missing someone, were is Gaspard?

(Gaspard comes riding in on a thrown lifted by Fanboy card duelists…he is there King now)

Gaspard: Hey guy!

Everyone: WTF!

Taihaku: Let's get going.

(The room we're they will save Haseo)

Taihaku: We believe that by loading all the monitors with yuri and GL anime and force Haseo to watch it all at once the Fangirl Queen will leave his body and then we will suck her up in this thing we won at an auction for Ghostbusters stuff!

Kuhn: That should work.

Atoli:…

Taihaku: Secure the patient!

Haseo: AhhHhHhhHHH (Chained to chair)

Taihaku: Okay, now we must leave, this is an extraordinary amount of yuri going to be played and quite frankly even the average Fanboy couldn't handle this much.

Kuhn: That's a risk I'm willing to take!

Alkaid: C'mon idiot…

Kuhn: NOO!

(They turn on the monitors)

Haseo:..AHHHHHHH!

(Outside room)

Kuhn: Let me in!

Aina: Me too!

Ovan: NO SISTER OF MINE IS GOING TO RUIN HER MIND!

Alkaid: And you're a perv Kuhn.

Taihaku: It's working. Just a little more.

(Haseo's head)

Haseo: (sees the new décor)…NOOOO! It's not supposed to look like this, this is supposed to be the head of a dead sadistic puppy kicker.

Queen Fangirl: (weakening)

Haseo: GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

(Real world)

Haseo: GEEEEET OUUUUT OOOOOF MYYYY HEEEEEAD!

Fangirl Queen: (out of him) AHHHHH! NO BISHIES! NEED BISHIES! AHHHHH!

Haseo: (Passes out)

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(Haseo wakes up in an OR)

Haseo:…We're am I…

Kuhn: You just had the Fangirl Queen extracted from you, but you took in too much yuri so you fainted.

Haseo: I fainted from watching too much yuri…

Kuhn: Ya, if the others didn't hold me back I would be in the same possession as you.

Haseo: Do you know how pathetic that sounds…

Kuhn: No.

Haseo: Same'ol Kuhn…

Kuhn: Everyone is with Taihaku. He was talking about telling us the truth.

Haseo: Well, let's get going then.

(Main room)

Kuhn: Guess who's up guys.

Atoli, Shino, Alkaid, Bordeaux, Endrance, and Tabby: Haseo!

Haseo: What…Is there a closet nearby I need to know about?

Kuhn: No.

Haseo: Good!

Aina: Better?

Haseo: Much…

Bo: Way to recover Haseo!

Haseo: WHAT ARE YOU WEARING!

Bo: You're one to talk…

Haseo: Shutting up now…

Taihaku: Okay…I will now reveal the long lost secret of Fanboys and Fangirls! It all started at the dawn on Anime, a brother and sister were so taken by it. Soon they started the first fan-made art. The first yuri and yaoi! Many males were inspired by the yuri and followed the boy. However the girl enslaved the will of girls, turning them to depraved Fangirls. It started a war. The brother's name was Haseo and the sister's name was Queen.

Bonus Chapter------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Woman: OMG, my house is so dirty, It will take weeks to clean this.

Tabby: Too lazy to clean your messes.

Woman: Ya!

Tabby: Well then leave it to the Cat Maid Crew!

Bo:…We will do it cheap…

Aina: You make the mess and we clean it!

Tabby: Don't do it yourself, PAY US!

Bo:…Your house will be spotless…

Aina: And you don't have to get off your lazy but!

Woman: Works for me!

Tabby: Leave it to the Cat Maid Crew!

End Transmission--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	8. Chapter 8

.hack//Resident Fangirl…2!?

Part 3: Implying names…

Ms. Pie: Welcome to another half-ass installment of the Resident Fangirl series. Last time Kuhn and co. made their way to the city of the Fanboys in order to exercise Fangirl Queen out of Haseo. How did they do it? They crammed soooo much yuri into Haseo the Fangirl Queen simply left him and was captured inside a cheesy Ghostbusters rip-off device. We also learned about the origins of Fanboys and Fangirl whose names were Haseo and Queen respectively.

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(City of Fanboys council room)

Haseo: I have the same name as the original Fanboy?

Taihaku: Yes, we believe that you are a direct descendent of Haseo and will destroy the wrath of Queen, the original Fangirl.

Haseo: You based all this on names…

Taihaku: Yes.

Haseo:…Okay, and might Fangirl Queen have any kind of relation to this Queen…

Taihaku: No, were did you get that idea, her name?

Haseo: That and more…

Taihaku: Well Haseo, we have a mission for you.

Haseo: Yay me…

Taihaku: You must deliver this stone to the shrine of Fanboyism all the way on the other side of the mountain.

Haseo: Dif you say deliver?

Taihaku: No, you will take this stone, go to our shrine of Fanboyism on the other side of the mountain, and then offer a little bit of your blood.

Haseo: What?

Taihaku: Technically it says that the descendent of the original Fanboy must offer blood, but based on names we're pretty sure it's you!

Haseo:…okay…

Kuhn: A shrine to Fanboyism?

Aina: Sounds interesting.

Atoli: Sounds depraved.

Alkaid: I second that.

Shino: Third that.

Bordeaux: Fourth that.

Tabby: It can't be that bad.

Silabus: I agree, I mean everything here isn't too bad when you get down to it.

Sophora: Down to what?

Silabus: Well…uhhh…it's not entirely bad.

Gaspard: I like it here, I'm king of the card Fanboys!

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Ovan: Wasn't this about a delivery or something?

Haseo: All we have to do is get to the other side of the mountain.

Taihaku: FOOL! The path is laced with traps and terrible trials that will make you want to die! Getting there is like trying to lick your elbow.

Haseo: But what if you're double-jointed?

Taihaku: I don't know but for the sake of challenge and ordeal I will say yes, it is still a challenge!

Haseo: Damn it, more pain for me…

Taihaku: Yes, pain. Now go to the back entrance of town so you may begin your painful pilgrimage!

Haseo: I hate you now.

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(Beginning of pilgrimage)

IYOTEN: Hello we're your guides. Let us begin our journey!

Asta: We will do our personal best to help you all.

Haseo: Trust a guy with a shady haircut and another that cross-dresses…

IYOTEN: HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SHADY HAIRCUTS!

Asta: I may look adorable, BUT I WILL MESS YOU UP BAD!

Haseo: Don't flatter yourself…

(COMPLETE WALL OF FIRE!)

Haseo: HOW THE (censored) DO WE GET PAST THAT!

IYOTEN: You're supposed to walk threw it and hope you don't get burned to death.

Haseo: What kind of trial is that! A trial is some kind of mind-wrenching puzzle that forces you to stand on your head to solve it and after much sweat, blood, and tears you finally solve it and move on. This is just some asinine WALL OF FIRE!

Asta:…Well I do have these fire-proof coats for all of us…

Haseo: GIVE ME!

Asta: I don't know, I mean you did call him shady and don't think I'm adorable…

Haseo: I hate you.

IYOTEN: We hate you too.

Kuhn: This is going no were…

Bo: Agreed.

Haseo: Give us the coats.

Asta: Make me.

(One fight later…)

Haseo: (Got his ass kicked)

IYOTEN: I think you went too hard…

Aina: Haseo got beaten by a guy who wears a bra…

Haseo: This never leaves the cave!

Kuhn: If you never insulted them this wouldn't have happened…

Asta: Now, who's adorable?

Haseo:…you are…

Asta: LOUDER!

Haseo: You are…….

Asta: And now you get the fire proof coats.

Haseo: I did on the inside again…

(ROOM OF INFINITE BRICKS!)

Haseo: What's so special about this place?

Atoli: Let's find out (Shoves Kuhn in)

Kuhn: (Pounded by infinite bricks till he crawls out)

Haseo:…And I thought I was mean!

Bordeaux: No offence Haseo, but you're as mean as a dandelion these days.

Haseo: I have all of you to blame. So how do we get through?

IYOTEN: Well the room piles infinite bricks on anyone stupid enough to enter.

Haseo: So what do we do?

IYOTEN: Obviously we don't enter…

Haseo: But we need to get to the other side.

IYOTEN: Man, that's gonna be tough. How do you go through something without entering?

Tabby: Why don't we wait for it to run out of bricks?

Atoli: Works for me (Throws Kuhn back in).

Kuhn: AHHHHH!

Shino: My Atoli, you are different from your normal emo self.

Atoli: Oh well…

Kuhn: AHHHHH! 

(Five hours later)

Kuhn: AHHHHHHHHH!

(Another Five hours later)

Kuhn: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Another Five hours later)

Kuhn: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Runs out of bricks)

Haseo: Ha, infinite bricks my ass. (One brick falls on him) Fine….I take it back…

(They all cross safely with the beaten to a pulp Kuhn)

(ROOM OF INCREADIBLY STUPID PEOPLE)

IYOTEN: The room of incredibly stupid people…

Random Dimwit: Duuuh, Endrance is not Elk!

Endrance: My god, these people are stupid!

Asta: Whatever you do don't look them in the eye, stupidity is very contagious.

Kuhn: Duuuuh.

Haseo: Too many bricks?

Alkaid: Most likely.

IYOTEN: The only way to get past hear is to refute them with the truth. Like this.

Random Dimwit: Duuuuh, Azure Kite is evil.

IYOTEN: Wrong, Azure Kite is a security program turned horror movie aficionado.

Random Dimwit: No n00b, you're dumb and I'm smart because mommy says so, waaaaah! (Runs off)

Haseo: Weird.

IYOTEN: Here comes another.

Random Dimwit: Duuuh, do I need to play the vol.1 before I get 2?

Haseo: Yes, you can't play a game with a cheesy preview like the ones on this fic.

Random Dimwit: Oh, okay, Duuuh. (Walks off)

Asta: Well, let's get going.

(ROOM OF PAST SELVES)

Sora: Boing!

Haseo: Who are you?

Sora: I'm Sora.

Haseo: My dead brother?

Sora: No, that's just some story our parents made up, I'm you before losing your memories and turning into…well you. Whenever you have a smart idea, that's me telling you. For gods sake get rid of that brain block!

Haseo:…whatever…

Sora: DON'T IGNORE ME, I CAN MAKE YOU SMART!

Haseo: I'm plenty smart.

Sora: Spell it.

Haseo: I T

Sora:….

Kuhn: Who are you?

Sieg: You, before you had your heart broken and turned into a complete sap. LISTEN, stop womanizing, you're afraid of commitment. Go back to Mai, and get back what you once had! FOR GODS SAKE YOUR COMIC RELIEF NOW!

Kuhn: You're right!

Sieg: Forget about girls and get back the one thing you ever had going for you!

Kuhn: Yes! (Calls Mai) Mai, I want to get back together with you!

Mai: Uhh, I'm seeing someone…

Kuhn: Who?

Mai: Uhh…Masaya.

(Masaya is Tomonari's friend from Liminality…the one that disapproved of Tomonari seeing her…guess why!)

Kuhn: THAT BACK STABBING-

Mai: I'm sorry…

Kuhn:…Ya, sure (turns off cell phone)…

Sieg:…

Endrance: You're me.

Elk: I become you.

Endrance: It's like looking in a mirror.

Elk: Are you kidding me, I become you! I know I was clingy but now I'm a stalker. What gives!

Endrance: Hey, I may not be the most okay person but at least I'm not some wimp.

Elk: ORAI RAI DON!

Endrance: (Struck by lightning)

Elk: You were saying.

Endrance:…

Asta: Let's move on…

(ROOM OF IMPENDING DOOM DOOD)

Tabby: Why is it called that?

IYOTEN: Because we will be carpet bombed by exploding penguins soon.

Prinnies: Heads up dood!

Everyone: AHH! RUN FOR IT!

(Room of the shrine of Fanboyism)

Haseo: It's a statue of…ME!

Kuhn: No way.

Atoli: Haseo is the descendent…

Shino:…of the original Fanboy…

IOYOTEN: Now place the sacred orb and draw some blood.

Atoli: My emo cutter kit will work.

Asta: Why do you carry that?

Atoli: You never know?

Haseo: (draw some blood, but nothing happens…) WHAT GIVES!

Asta: You're not the descendent apparently…

Haseo: WHAT!

IYOTEN: Well we have other boys here to try.

Kuhn: (FAIL)

Silabus: (FAIL)

Alkaid: (FAIL) WTF! OF COURSE, I'M A GIRL!

Gabi: (FAIL) I'm still Gabi :)

Endrance: (FAIL)

Gaspard: (FAIL) Ehh, I'm still king of Card Fanboys.

Asta: And we ran out since neither me nor IYOTEN already tried.

Tabby: You forgot someone, Bo!

IYOTEN: That's a boy!

Bo: Yes…

Asta: Okay then….

Bo: (DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER!)

Haseo Statue: (Laser light show for everyone)

Haseo: Bo…Bo…Bo!

Bo: I'm the descendent of Haseo, the original Fanboy.

Haseo Statue: (Sounds like Bo) Oh, the descendent is here. Take this tome thing and go beat my sister queen who you might no as Fangirl Queen.

Everyone but Haseo: WTF!

Haseo: I knew it…wait a minute how did she live that long.

Haseo Statue: She lives off the worship of others. So long as there is one Fangirl she will live…

Haseo: But there will always be Fangirls.

Haseo Statue: Ya, but the Fangirls have been entering a state of Fannish hibernation. She will be weak and then you can seal her into something so she never bothers everyone again. That should work, right.

Haseo: I guess…

Bo: But why me?

Haseo Statue: You are my descendent apparently so you have to do it.

Bo: But I don't think Saku will be happy about this…

Haseo: Hey we haven't herd from Saku in a while.

Kuhn: Fangirl hibernation. She's deep in sleep!

Bo: Wow.

Asta: Well I guess now we go back to Fanboy city.

(The city seems to be changed into another Fangirl city…)

Taihaku: (Beaten up bad) Fangirl Queen has escaped the contraption. She infected the whole city…This is just SOOOO wrong…

Haseo: Yep…

Taihaku: Oh descendent, please save us.

Kuhn: Actually Bo here is the descendent.

Taihaku: That's a boy?

Bo: Yes.

Taihaku: Who would have thought it.

Bo: (Sigh)

Taihaku: Okay then you save us all.

Haseo: What happened to me here!

Taihaku: Now you're just some guy that follows the descendent.

Haseo: My respect…

Bo: Okay so…were is she?

Taihaku: The capital building.

Bo: Okay then, let's go.

(The capital building)

Bo: There was no resistance huh.

Haseo: Wonder why.

Sound: (Groaning)…

(Zombie Fanboys appear)

Bordeaux: What's the difference?

Kuhn: I don't know?

Aina: Though it might be a good idea to RUN!

Everyone: (Run)

(Everyone runs into the capital building)

Bo: Okay, now what?

Kuhn: Well we escaped the zombie Fanboys.

Tabby: But now we're lost…and we seem to have split up…

(The Silabus, Sophora, Gaspard group)

Silabus: Not good.

Gaspard: I'll say.

Sophora: We're lost…

(The Aina, Ovan, Gabi group)

Ovan: Aina, stay behind Ovan as he will protect you!

Aina: Pass…

Gabi: Gabi :)

(The Haseo and everyone else group)

Haseo: Of all the people to be stuck with…Why!? Have I not suffered enough!

Atoli: What's the matter Haseo?

Shino: Yes what is it?

Alkaid: Yes, if you have any problems count on me!

Bordeaux: Don't listen to her, I'll help you.

Endrance: Haseo you can count on me for anything.

All of them: Haseo!

Haseo:….Why me.

(FYI, Bet from ch. 6 is still on!)

Bonus Chapter------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matsu: You wanted to see me Principle Zelkova?

Zelkova: Ya, you're a janitor now, so have fun!

Matsu:…sigh…

(Janitor work)

Matsu: Why do I have to be a janitor…man, they say that every cloud has a silver lining…were is mine?

(Finds a steam powered floor scrubber vehicle thing)

Matsu: I wonder what I can do with this.

(Overnight tune up)

Matsu: It's finished! The first steam-powered floor cleaner bike! With this I will be able to clean floors faster then ever!

(Turns it on…BUT IT GOES TOO FAST)

Matsu: AHHHH! (Crashes through wall)

Ms. Pie: (Teaching class) Okay today we will learn about Shugo, the first cos-playing hero (Matsu crashes through wall).

Matsu: AHHHH! RUN-AWAY STEAM BIKE!

Hiiragi: (Teaching class) Now thread your needle and (Matsu crashes through wall) MATSU I WILL KILL YOU!

Kaede: (serving snacks to Sakaki and Zelkova)

Zelkova: YAY! SNACK TIME!

Sakaki: (One day I will poison your snack MWA-HA-HA…but in the mean time) YAY SNACKS!

Matsu: (crashes through wall and runs over their snacks) RUN-AWAY BIKE!

Zelkova: My snack…my beautiful snack…oh foul god, why hath you taketh away my life. (Cries)

Sakaki: DAMN YOU MATSU!

Kaede: I'll just make more snacks.

Zelkova and Sakaki: YAY SNACKS!

(Matsu crashes though wall after wall, slowly demolishing the school…)

Matsu's Bonus Chapter: To be continued…

End Transmission--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	9. Chapter 9

.hack//Resident Fangirl…2!?

Dodge, Duck, Dup, Dive, and Arc Finales…

Ms. Pie: It seems you're still reading…Get a life. Fine, keep reading, but it's not my fault that you are reading this when you could be doing something important. So preview time. The group traveled to the shrine of Fanboyism thinking that Haseo was the descendent…wrong, Bo is. So Bo now must begin his crusade to stop Fangirl Queen, the original Fangirl, who lives solely because Fangirls live. However Fangirl energies in the world are entering a state of hibernation were she will be at her weakest.

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(Bo, Kuhn, and Tabby group)

Bo: AHHH! We're split up, what are we going to do!

Kuhn: We're getting messages on this radio that we have all of a sudden.

Yata: (On radio) You have an important mission. All of you must get as many yugioh cards as possible from the store while all the Fanboys are zombified!

Tabby: What do cards have to do with stopping Fangirl queen?

Yata: Pretty please with sugar on top!

Bo: No Yata, we have a holy crusade to do.

Yata: Fine, go seal Fangirl Queen while she is slowly weakening. You will find a DVD titled 'yuri fest XXXX' in a video editing room near you. That is the only item in The World: R2 that can completely seal her.

Kuhn: XXX-X!

Bo: Wow, four x-ses!

Yata: Yes, no go, and bring me back some cards!

Kuhn: We're breaking up (fake static sound) The line is breaking up (smashes Radio).

Bo: Was that necessary?

Kuhn: I don't know.

Tabby: Well let's go.

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(Aina, Ovan, Gabi group)

Aina: (Listening to her suddenly appearing radio)

Yata: Dang line…huh, I'm open to Aina's line! Aina, Ovan, Gabi I NEED CARDS!

Ovan: No.

Yata: Please!

Gabi: Gabi (No…)

Yata: Meanies…

Aina: Just give us are mission.

Yata: The Fangirl Queen has used the advance technology of Fanboys to build a cannon that will transform anyone (gender and all) into Fangirls to assure she lives forever!

Ovan: Gasp!

Yata: And it has a function to turn pretty boys and boyish girls into bishie-slaves.

Aina: How disturbing.

Gabi: Gabi…

Yata: However all of you are immune to it. Aina you are a lesbian, Ovan you are infected by AIDA and have bi-polar big brother moments, Gabi you're Gabi. These things somehow for some reason make you immune. Now go and get me cards!

Aina: Don't you mean blow up the cannon…

Yata: That too…and get me cards!

Ovan: BURN THIS INTO YOUR EYES (Signs Radio…)!

Aina: Well let's get going then…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Silabus, Sophora, and Gaspard group)

Gaspard: Hey guys, a radio.

Yata: GASPARD, IS THAT YOU! WE SHALL DUEL!

Gaspard: We can't duel on the radio…

Yata: Watch me!

Silabus: Uhhh, Yata, don't you have anything more important for us to do?

Yata: More important then dueling?

Sophora: Yes…

Yata: Get me cards!

Sophora: Anything even more important…

Yata: No, but I have something almost half as important that you need to do…

Silabus: What?

Yata: You need to secure the power room of the city and destroy it.

Gaspard: We're on it!

Yata: NO, OUR DUEL!

Sophora: (Smashes radio) Let's go.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Haseo and his 'harem' group…)

Atoli: I WILL HIDE WITH HASEO!

Alkaid: NO I WILL!

Bordeaux: You're both wrong, I WILL!

Endrance: No, I, HASEO AND I SHALL HIDE TOGETHOR!

Shino: I WILL!

Atoli: I thought you were into Ovan…

Shino: I WILL HAVE THEM BOTH!

Atoli, Alkaid, Bordeaux, and Endrance: WHORE!

Haseo: (Hiding from them all).

Radio: (Suddenly next to Haseo) HASEO! (Alerts the arguing 'harem') I have a mission for you!

Haseo: WHAT! WHAT IS IT BALDIE! WHAT POSSIBLE ASSENINE THING DO I HAVE TO DO THAT WILL GET ME HUMILIATED!

Yata: I just was gonna ask you to get me some cards but after that screw it. Go hide in some closet for all I care cause I was gonna tell you that some guards will be there in two seconds but screw you. (Radio self-destructs as guards drag away Haseo and his 'harem to god knows were')

Haseo: DAMN YOU YATA!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Outside with the zombie like Fanboys)

Azure Kite: Look guys! I told you the end of the world is coming and here's the proof!

Azure Orca: Yay friends!

Azure Balmung: (Trying to associate with them) So how long have you guys been zombies?

Zombie: Ughhhh.

Azure Kite: Hey what do you think is the best part of being a zombie!

Zombie: Ughhhh.

Azure Orca: Why don't we all come to my house and party!

Zombies: Ughhhh.

Azure Kite: Guys, I think these are zombie-zombies…

Azure Balmung: Huh?

Azure Kite: As in the stereotypical zombie that is as dumb as shit.

Azure Orca: WAHHHH! I wanted friends!

Azure Balmung: Yah, but they are all creepy guys...

Azure Kite: We look creepy don't we?

Azure Balmung: Man, this sucks!

Azure Orca: We must punish those that would trick us!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Editing room)

Kuhn: Four X yuri…I must have died and gone to heaven.

Bo: No, you're still alive.

Kuhn: It's a shame we must use this device to seal her.

Tabby: What do you think is in it.

Kuhn: A paradise full of lush hills and beautiful scenery that could make you cry as all the girls get up on each other over those great hills.

Bo: Kuhn, I think you're a bit…I don't know…too perverted.

Tabby: I think so too.

Kuhn: Non-scene, my perverted levels are constantly being calibrated. Why if I turned off the safety who knows what will happen!

Bo: Okay…well I guess we better go find Fangirl queen.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Room with cannon)

Aina: Wow, it's so pink….

Ovan: AHH, IT'S BURNING MY EYES!

Gabi: Gabi :)

Haseo: (Tied up with the cannon pointing at him) Uhh, guys. (The 'harem' is tied up next to him but passed out swinging at each other).

Aina: How did you get there?

Haseo: Guards…

Ovan: Ouch.

Haseo: But it's okay, they will fire this cannon at me and end my misery, I'm going to a better place either way (heaven or hell).

Aina: (Explains what cannon really does).

Haseo:…WHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY! WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK SO DAMN MUCH! WHY MUST I SUFFER SO DAMN MUCH, WHY CAN'T I JUST DROP AND DIE! EVERYONE JUST WANTS TO HURT ME!

Ovan: Man Haseo, you're emo…

Haseo: OMG…he's right…I'm officially emo…I really do suck. I suck almost as much as Atoli.

Atoli: What?

Haseo: Ignoring you.

Atoli: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

Everyone: AHHHH!

Fangirl Queen: Well hello there everybody. How are you all doing? I've been doing horribly since my humiliating defeat by Haseo's hands.

Haseo: Humiliating for ME!

Fangirl Queen: Not caring. I will get even by testing my cannon on you!

Haseo: I BEG YOU, DON'T!

Fangirl Queen: At first I would just make you the perfect little bishie, but I've decided to turn you into a Fangirl! Your existence shall add to me strength!

Haseo: DAMN YOU!

Fangirl Queen: And now to press the button. (Goes slowly)

Haseo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Fangirl Queen: (Still getting there)

Haseo: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Fangirl Queen: (Any day now)

Haseo: -00000000000000000000000000-

Fangirl Queen: (Taking her time)

Haseo: -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Bo: Oh no you don't! Fanboy magic attack! (Blast Fangirl Queen with staff he got from statue).

Fangirl Queen: Dang it, if only I didn't take so long! THAT STAFF! No…no…Isn't Haseo suppose to be the descendent, I mean he looks like the statue and they have the same name.

Bo: Yah, well I'm the descendent.

Fangirl Queen: Ohh…Would you attack you great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great aunt!

Bo: I suppose.

Fangirl Queen: Fine, I will just have to use this remote control to activate the cannon! (Presses button).

Haseo: Shi- (Zap).

Fangirl Haseo: SQUEEEEE!

Fangirl Atoli: SQUEEEEE!

Fangirl Shino: SQUEEEEE!

Fangirl Bordeaux: SQUEEEEE!

Fangirl Endrance: SQUEEEEE!

Atoli: What abo- (Zap)

Pretty boy Alkaid: Oh my…

Fangirl Queen: Good to see option B works.

Kuhn: That's just sick…and I know sick…

Tabby:…

Aina: (Speechless)

Ovan: AHH, IT'S BURNED INTO MY EARS!

Gabi: Gabi Gabi :(

Bo: That's just wrong…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Main power unit)

Silabus: So we need to turn it off.

Sophora: How?

Gaspard: (Flips a light switch that turns it off) Like that.

Silabus: Makes sense.

Sophora: In a weird way.

Silabus: Now how do we destroy it?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fangirl Queen: What happened to the power? AHHH I DON'T LIKE THE DARK!

Bo:…

Fangirl Queen: Compose yourself Queen, you can overcome this.

Kuhn: Are you talking to yourself?

Fangirl Queen: SHUT UP! Activate back up power! (Voice activated back up power activates…)

Aina: Shit…

Ovan: WATCH YOUR MOUTH!

Aina: Not listening…

Fangirl Queen: Open the roof! (Also voice activated…) Soon I will let this cannon loose on the world. I WILL BE IMMORAL!

Bo: Don't you mean immortal?

Fangirl Queen: That too!

Bo: No! In the name of my ancestors I will destroy you!

Fangirl Queen: You look so cute when you're mad KAWII!

Bo: I suddenly feel like I need a bath.

Fangirl Queen: (Unleashes Fangirl-fied Haseo and co. and P.B. Alkaid.)

Aina:…shit!

Ovan: WHAT DID I SAY!

Aina: Not caring…

Fangirl Queen: HAHA! No one can stop me!

Bo: Oh c'mon, you need to give us a chance.

Fangirl Queen: Fine then. The fate of the world shall be decided by a game of doge-ball!

Kuhn: How do you play that?

Voice: If you can doge a wrench you can doge a ball.

Kuhn: Huh? (Wrench comes out of nowhere and hits him square in the face) OH GOD THE PAIN!

Tabby: Uhh…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back at the power room)

Silabus: See, we need to blow this generator up with all the back-up generators.

Sophora: How?

Gaspard: We have no explosives.

Silabus: Well…we can? Uhhh…Oh we can short-circuit it by turning on too many things at once!

Gaspard: How will we do that?

Sophora: I know! We can plug in a couple thousand PS3s.

Silabus: You're a genius! But were will we get a couple thousand?

Sophora:…I thought this was Fanboy city, they need there PS3's so they can import all those pathetic dating simulator games…

Gaspard: You're a genius Sophora!

Sophora: Someone has to be.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Zombie city)

Azure Kite: AHHHH! This sucks! I can't believe we came all this way for what? These losers. We have more of a life then they do.

Azure Orca: Well they do hold themselves up in a secret city.

Azure Balmung: But we hold ourselves up in a small room…They actually have more of a life then us.

Azure Kite: SHUT UP! WE WILL ATTACK THE MAIN BUILDING! COME MY AZURE BROTHERS FOR REDEMPTION!

Azure Orca: I can't wait for redemption! I we have over a month. Man, I was even going to be a recruit able character!

Azure Balmung: I know! I'm gonna be sooo cool!

Azure Kite: NUH-UHH! I am because I float! Beat that!

Azure Orca: I'LL BEAT YOU!

Azure Balmung: SAVE SOME FOR ME!

Azure Kite: Uhh, the main building…guys…GUYS! AHHHHHHHHHH! NOT THE FACE!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(If you can Doge a wrench then you don't get hurt…)

Kuhn: (Pounded by numerous wrenches…)

Aina: Isn't this against the running gag?

Ovan: Yep…

Tabby: Well it's good to have some breaks every now and then (Throws a wrench at Kuhn).

Gabi: Gabi :)

Bo: Uhh Guys, shouldn't we help Kuhn since he's on our team?

Aina: We're helping by throwing wrenches. I mean the voice said if you could doge a wrench you can doge a ball.

(Handling balls…)

Kuhn: (Miraculously recovered) Now the trick to handling big balls like the one's I'm using is that you must throw with the abdomen.

Aina: I disagree, the balls I'm using are more effective. Despite being a little smaller they aim better and get them right in the face.

Bo:…SAY WHAT!

Kuhn: We're just talking about throwing doge-balls and comparing sizes.

Bo:…THANK YOU AURA!

Gabi: Gabi :)

Tabby:…

Ovan: (Unconscious…)

(The game!)

Fangirl Queen: This game of Doge-ball will be different because rather then balls we will be using cinderblocks!

Kuhn: (Can't breathe…)

Bo: Wow, the running gag upgrade!

Tabby: Poor Kuhn.

Fangirl Queen: (Referee) And…DOGE-BRICK!

Fangirl Haseo: SQUEEE! (Picks up brick with inhumane strength and nails Kuhn).

Kuhn: AHHH!

Fangirl Atoli: SQUEEE! (Picks up brick with inhumane strength and nails Kuhn).

Kuhn: AHHH!

Fangirl Endrance: SQUEEE! (Picks up brick with inhumane strength and nails Kuhn).

Kuhn: AHHH!

Fangirl Bordeaux: SQUEEE! (Picks up brick with inhumane strength and nails Kuhn).

Kuhn: AHHH!

Fangirl Shino: SQUEEE! (Picks up brick with inhumane strength and nails Kuhn).

Kuhn: AHHH!

Pretty Boy Alkaid: Hmm, Ovan looks so manly, but Bo is just so cute. (Picks up brick with inhumane strength and nails Kuhn).

Bo:…

Ovan: Why do the cinderblocks only hit Kuhn?

Tabby: He's a brick-magnet! We can win since they can only hit Kuhn!

Fangirl Queen: NOOOOO! My empire! I'm firing the cannon anyway. (Activates it and short-circuits and blows up…) What…

Bo: Hah! Good guys always win!

Kuhn:…Oh, the pain…Oh…Aura please release me so that I may join seventy-two virgins in the afterlife…

Tabby: Are you okay Kuhn?

Kuhn: I don't think so (passes out).

Fangirl Queen: No, my ambitions…my life's work…

Aina: You have a life…

Fangirl Queen: SHUT UP!

Bo: Now I will seal you in this DVD!

Fangirl Queen: Never!

Azure Kite: (Appears from blue fire) Were is the person who gave us false hope!

Azure Balmung: We are here for redemption!

Azure Orca: I found an import!

Azure Balmung: SWEET! (Azure Orca and Azure Balmung warp out…)

Azure Kite: WAIT FOR ME! Oh, were is the person!

Everyone: (Points at Fangirl Queen)

Azure Kite: (Pwns Fangirl Queen and warps out…)

Fangirl Queen:…The pain…

Kuhn: That's my line!

Bo: And now to seal her! Oh great soul of Fanboyism, come and lead me in my holy struggle. SEAL THE FANGIRL QUEEN!

Queen: NOOOOO! (Sealed)

Aina: But what about those five…(Points too Fangirlified Haseo and co. Bishiefied Alkaid…)

Bo: That will wear off…Just look…

Fangirl Haseo: SQUEEEE-IWANTODIE!

Fangirl Atoli: SQUEEE-NOBODYLOOKSATNME!

Fangirl Shino: SQUEEE-OVAN!

Fangirl Bordeaux: SQUEEE-LOVEYOUTODEATH!

Pretty Boy Alkaid: I AM AN EFFING GIRL!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back at school…)

Haseo: Well this has all been mind-wrenchingly stupid…

Atoli: What happened to Taihaku?

Kuhn: He said he was going to travel the world for other secret Fanboy sociatie's so that he may link them all together.

Saku: Man did I have a good nap!

Tabby: Looks like the Fangirl hibernation is over.

Saku: Yep!

Haseo: Great…

Bordeaux: Were is our teacher?

Haseo: Who knows…hey Kuhn what did you do with the DVD with Fangirl queen with it.

Kuhn: It's right here. (Takes out a DVD of Broke-back Mountain)…AHHHHHH!

Aina: Wow, we see an all new side of Kuhn…

Kuhn: NOOO, YOU SEE NOTHING!

Haseo: HAHAHAHA!

Kuhn: IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!

Endrance: Should I be worried?

Kuhn: NOOO! I was getting it for my mom I swear! (He's telling the truth.)

Haseo: TOO BAD, I'M GONNA GET SOME MILEDGE OUT OF THIS KUHN!

_FIN_

Bonus Chapter------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ms. Pie: Previously on the bonus chapter, Matsu broke down the school…and now Piros the Third is subbing for Hiiragi as he beats the crap out of Matsu,

Piros the Third: (Crazy Theme Music comes on…) HAHA! I am Piros the Third!

Silabus: This can't be good…

Sophora: Silabus, hold me.

Piros the Third: I shall tech you too cook with PASSION!

Silabus: Oh Aura…

Piros the Third: I shall now teach you too cook banana bread!

(After cooking)

Piros the Third: OH MY! You all failed!

Silabus: What!

Sophora: My first F…

Piros the Third: Were is the passion. You must stir with passion, kneed with passion, pre-heat with passion! Look at my bread. (IT'S GOLDEN) Try it all of you!

Silabus: (Tries it…) Oh my!

Sophora: WHAT!

Silabus: It is the single most wonderful thing I have ever put in my mouth.

Sophora: (Tries it)…Wow…Piros the Third can cook!

Whole class: (Agrees)

Piros the Third: THIS IS COOKING WITH PASSION! Imagine that the banana bread is your dream and cook with the passion in your heart! SHOW ME YOU'RE HOT PASSION!

Class: HOT PASSION!

Silabus: HOT PASSION!

Sophora: I'll show you hot passion…

Silabus: What?

Sophora: Nothing!

Piros the Third:…YOU ALL GET A's! THIS IS HOT PASSION!

Class: HOT PASSION!

Piros the Third: YOUR LOVE MAKES ME HOT!

Class: Uhh…HOT PASSION!

Hiiragi: I'm back class!

Class: GO AWAY!

Hiiragi: What?

Silabus: We prefer Piros the Third…

Hiiragi: WHAT!

Sophora: Quite simply put, he taught us cooking in an inspiring passionate way and all the cloths we make in your class have always been for you…we're not a sweat shop.

Class: HOT PASSION!

Hiiragi: WHAT! Piros the Third I challenge you to a cook off!

Piros the Third: I accept you challenge!

(Piros wins)

Hiiragi: No…no way…

Zelkova: It's okay Hiiragi, I know the perfect solution.

Hiiragi: TT what…

Zelkova: Simple, you can be teachers aid.

Hiiragi: WHAT!

Class: HOT PASSION!

Piros the Third: Your love makes me hot!

It's not over yet-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ms. Pie: Broke-back Mountain…this better clear my head, I have had so much stress lately…

(Put's in yuri fest XXXX)

Ms. Pie: What the hell…

Fangirl Queen: Release me!

Ms. Pie: YOU!...No…

Fangirl Queen: Please release me…If you do I shall bestow upon you the power of the Fangirls!

Ms. Pie: Why would I want that…

Fangirl Queen: Well one of my oddball powers is making people not like card games. I don't know any use for it though.

End Transmission--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	10. Chapter 10

.hack//Resident Fangirl! Third headache…

Part 1

From now on…it's Pi!

Reporter: Welcome back from our too long break. Well the Fangirl hiatus was short-lived. Fangirls are once again returning to there everyday creepy life of writing horrendous fanfiction and ugly drawing that make us sane people want to puke and gouge our eyes out. In the latest news (channel changed)

Haseo: Boring…

Alkaid: Well if that's so boring I have a fun idea.

(Haseo wakes up)

Haseo: AHH!

Bordeaux: What's the matter Haseo? Would you like me to love you to sleep?

(Haseo wakes up)

Haseo: AHHH!

Shino: Oh Haseo, hit me baby one more time.

(Haseo wakes up)

Haseo: BLESS YOU AURA!

Haseo's Mom: DAMN IT THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS MONTH! GO TO (censored) bed!

Haseo:…why do I bother…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(At school)

Haseo:…Man I couldn't get back to sleep (yawns)…

Kuhn: I couldn't get any sleep…in my _dreams…_

Haseo: Only you…

Kuhn: Giggity!

Haseo: Aura save me now…

Kuhn: So how is your psychology going?

Haseo: I no hide when I hear the 'c' word.

Kuhn: Clo-

Haseo: DON'T SAY IT!

Kuhn:…Anything else?

Haseo: I no longer fear the girls (this includes Endrance).

Kuhn: Seriously?

Haseo: YES! It's finally over!

(In the hall…)

Atoli: Now that Haseo is better my salad will win his heart and I will win the bet! (See chapter 6)

Alkaid: Fat chance! My instant ramen is made of win!

Bordeaux: My bratwurst will catch Haseo's stomach.

Endrance: Onion soup will catch his heart!

Shino: My dumplings will win Haseo's love!

Tabby: Wow, you sure are taking this Shino.

Shino:…so what…

Aina: Don't forget about what happens to the loser…(I know I didn't!) By the way Tabby, why didn't you bring your fish from before?

Tabby: I forgot. Oh well, I brought lobster.

(Yata's classroom)

Yata: (Lost to Gaspard yet again…) Dangit. Same time tomorrow.

Gaspard:…Suuuureeeee….(walks out leaving him alone in his classroom).

Ms. Pie: Yata…

Yata: Ms. Pie? What are you doing here.

Ms. Pie:…From now on it's Pi.

Yata: Huh-

Pi: And from now on-!

(Back in Pi's classroom)

Haseo: What are you doing?

Atoli, Alkaid, Bordeaux, Endrance, Shino, and Tabby: Giving you food.

Kuhn: Why don't I get any food?

Aina: (Explains to Kuhn)

Kuhn!!!

Aina: I take it we will collaborate for the most optimal outcome…

Kuhn: I wouldn't have it any other way…

Bo:…I swear we get more depraved every day.

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Pi: Hello class, time to get to the studies!

Kuhn: Ohhh, Ms. Pie is in a good mood, you can tell cause her bre-

Pi: WHO WANTS EXTRA-CREDIT!

(Ensuring bricking…)

Kuhn: Oh…the pain…

Pi: That never gets old. Well class, I am happy. As of now I am Pi at last!

Kuhn: I prefer Ms. Pie…

Pi: Shut up! Today's lecture is about how Morganna decided to screw up the life of some emo girl and made her think she was a he.

Class: (not paying attention)

(Yata's Class)

Yata: And cosine is the opposite side over the hypotenuse. Any questions?

Gaspard: (raises hand) What happened to our teacher that did nothing but play card games?

Yata: Card Games? Those things are so stupid and such a waste of money.

Gaspard: (Gasps)

Class: (Gasps)

World: (Gasps)

Yata: What did I say?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Lunch)

Haseo: Hmm, what to eat?

Atoli: MY SALAD!

Alkaid: MY RAMEN!

Bordeaux: MY SAUSAGE!

Shino: MY DUMPLINGS!

Endrance: MY SOUP!

Tabby: My lobster!

Aina: (Scheming with Kuhn) For the best results we would want Endrance to win.

Kuhn: Ya, but we're not the mean to put him up with him…

Aina: Then what do we do?

Kuhn:…What if (whispers)

Aina: Perfect!

Bo: What are you two doing?

Kuhn: NOTHING!

Bo:…I know you too well to believe that.

Aina: Then you should know us well enough to know that this is top secret stuff.

Ovan: NOT HIDING ANYTHING FROM YOUR BROTHER, RIGHT!

Aina:…Ya, keep telling yourself that.

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Bo:…Okay.

Gaspard: GUYS, GUYS, IT'S TERRIBLE!

Kuhn: What?

Gaspard: Yata doesn't care about children's card games anymore!

Bo: How is that bad?

Gaspard: Well things like this don't exactly happen without something more happening.

Aina: You know Pi also got her actual name back. That has to mean something right?

Kuhn: Interesting things are happening lately.

(UFO's are abducting random children left and right. People are yelling on the streets. Some clouds are raining bricks. Haseo is being force fed all the meals. Penguins are being chucked and explode on impact. Morganna decided to screw over another emo.)

Saku: No, that's the same random stuff that always happens.

Azure Kite: (Making out with Azure Blackrose)

Everyone: THE WORLD IS FALLING APART! THE AZURE TROLL GOT A GIRL!

Gaspard: See, I told you the universe was off balance.

Kuhn: We believe you now.

Aina: Man, the universe is seriously screwed up now…

(Somewhere else)

Pi: I would like a lemonade Yata.

Yata: Here you are my object of obsession.

Pi: Ohh, say that again.

Yata: Object of obsession.

Pi: More obsessed then children's card games.

Yata: Who would have cards over you?

Pi: I think I could die without regrets.

(The gang burst in)

Kuhn: Step away from the bre-

Pi: (Knocks Kuhn unconscious)

Haseo:…

Gaspard: Yata, look what I have. Holographic Foil Five God Dragon Card!

Yata: REALLY!

Pi: No, you don't like cards!

Yata: That's right!

Gaspard: No Yata, you like cards! 

Yata: That's right!

Pi: No, you hate cards and love me. The thought of cards infuriates you!

Yata: THAT'S RIGHT! (Takes card and tears it in half)

Gaspard: (Can't breath…he tore it up!)

Pi: Now all of you head home. There is nothing to see here.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Haseo's house)

Haseo: (Phone rings and answers) Hello?

Kuhn: Haseo! Bo, Aina, and I are going to sneak into Pi's house. I bet she's hiding something.

Haseo:…I have nothing better to do.

(In front of Pi's house)

Saku: This is a stupid idea.

Aina: I know…

Kuhn: I asked for Bo to come…

Saku: Why?

Kuhn: Cause I felt like it.

Saku:…I think I will step back now.

Kuhn: I'M NOT A PEDO!

Haseo: Shut up you idiot. Do you want to wake up Pi?

Kuhn: She's out.

Haseo: Were?

Kuhn: Idonknow? But let's just sneak in.

(Sneaking in)

Kuhn: Judging by the décor this is Pi's bedroom…meaning this must be Pi's underwear drawer! JACKPOT!

Haseo: A panty-raid…

Aina: Even I'm not this lewd.

Saku: WHY AM I HERE!

Kuhn: While this is a bonus this isn't the reason we are here.

Haseo: Then why you perverted moron?

Kuhn: Well as you know I accidentally put the yuri fest XXXX in a broke-back mountain case that my mother asked me to rent for her.

Saku: Yah, sure.

Kuhn: I MEAN IT! Well the other day I was at the video rental store and I saw Pi returning a broke-back mountain and when I checked the case inside I saw it had yuri fest XXXX! And when I watched to the Fangirl Queen wasn't inside.

Haseo: DO YOU KNOW HOW RISKY THAT COULD HAVE BEEN!

Aina: YOU HAVE YURI FEST XXXX!

Saku: WHY AM I HERE!

Kuhn: Pi must have watched it and got possessed or something and I'm looking for proof.

Haseo: But she hasn't produced any of the symptoms other then making Yata not into cards, which is a huge feet in itself, but nothing really Fangirl-ish.

Kuhn: Well let's just keep exploring and I will give you proof! (Exploring House and find a locked door). Here is your proof!

Saku: Other then you're a paranoid idiot…

Kuhn: Just watch! (Breaks down door…idiot)

Haseo:…It's just a teddy bear inside a glass case trying to break out…huh?

Teddy bear: (Has Fangirl Queen's voice) I WANT OUT!

Haseo: YOU!

Kuhn: YOU!

Aina: YOU!

Bo: YOU!

Haseo: You switched…

Teddy Queen: I was tricked by that evil forna-

Kuhn: How?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Flashback)

Fangirl Queen: I can make people not like cards.

Pi: GIVE ME YOUR POWER!

Fangirl Queen: Fine, all you have to do is surrender your will to me! HAHAHA!

Pi: I have a different idea. (Unpauses the paused yuri fest…)

(The following is to adult for most of you and we don't want people suing from brain damage from the hard-core yuri….)

Pi: (Pauses)

Fangirl Queen: Is this what I have been doing to bishies…I'm horrible…Oh well. PLEASE DON'T UNPAUSE!

Pi: Give me your power and I will let you inhabit the body of this teddy bear.

Fangirl Queen: FINE JUST LET ME OUT OF HERE!

(End Flash back)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Haseo: YOU DESERVE WHAT YOU GOT!

Teddy Queen: Couldn't care less...

Kuhn: So Pi now has the power of Fangirls?

Teddy Queen: Yep…

Aina: But what would level-headed workaholic kill-joy Pi do?

Bo: I guess we'll find out some time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Back in class)

Pi: Hello class. I have great news!

Class: What?

Pi: I decided that I should try my hand in total domination. So while I am gone taking over the world here is your substitute Tifa.

Tifa: Hello, I am Tifa, I usually substitute at FF high so I'm new.

Kuhn: Hmm, who has bigger bre-

Tifa: (Throws a brick at Kuhn)

Pi: You learn fast. Well, I'm off on my campaign of domination. Bye (Leaves).

Bonus Chapter------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Haseo and the Shrink)

Shrink: So what are your problems.

Haseo: I want to kill myself, and I cower at the thought of clo…of clo…of…clo…se…ts…

Shrink: Why?

Haseo: Well you see, these girls (and Endrance) trap me in a…well they trap me in one and…have their way.

Shrink: That would be traumatic.

Haseo: Tell me about it…the worst part is that one of these girls is really a guy…

Shrink: and he-

Haseo: YES! DEAR AURA AHHHH!

Shrink: Calm down.

Haseo: Okay…okay…

Shrink: Let's try some exercises. Take this doll, imagine it's someone, and do what you want to that someone.

Haseo: (Rips off dolls head and eats it)

Shrink:…Who did you imagine…

Haseo: (Lists everyone)

Shrink: You have quite a list…

Haseo:…

End Transmission--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	11. Chapter 11

.hack//Resident Fangirl…The Third!?

Part 2: Who has awesome author powers?

Anteres: Uhhh, man I drank too much. What? Oh. Yah. Since Pi won't be doing these stupid previews I will be. Okay…Well Pi is now trying to take over the world. She also brainwashed Yata into not liking card games. This has turned the world on its head and opened a gate rift that leads to origin! Jeez, I need some aspirin…GO AWAY!

----------------------------------Inside the space distortion--------------------------------------------------------

ChaosVirus: We're am I?

Steeeple333: I think a space distortion opened on the gamefaqs message boards and now we were swallowed.

TheChronologist: What could have caused that?

DoubleStriker73: Beats me.

00 Skeith1: Has anyone seen Seargent?

SeargentSousuke: (hiding in an imaginary corner)

ChaosVirus:…You did something, didn't you?

SeargentSousuke: I DIDNT KNOW IT WOULD TURN OUT THIS BAD!

Steeple333: You messed with _the order_ which states Yata must have a card fetish! You took that away and now we're here!

SeargentSousuke: Actually, we will be falling in three, two, one-

(They fall into the realm of resident Fangirl….)

-------------------------School------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tifa: Today's lesson is about a pedophile with eyes that have different colors and his tramp magician.

Haseo: Why is it that Pi is trying to take over the world, and we're doing nothing about it?

Aina: Because we couldn't care less if Pi takes over the world or no.

Haseo: Oh yah.

Kuhn: A world ruled by Pi and her humongous chest!

Tifa: (throws a brick at Kuhn)

Haseo: That never gets old.

Aina: All's the pity.

Zelkova: (On PA) Hey guys guess what! A giant distortion has opened up and is dropping the omnipresent authors that rule our oneshots. Also other weird things are popping out of it. Isn't that cool! I'm having vice-principle Sakaki look into it, but he's probably scheming how to use it to take over the world, so would Haseo and his gang of friends look into it.

Haseo: Great….

(At the sight)

TheChronologist: IDIOT! How will we get out of this!

SeargentSousuke: Uhh…

DoubleStriker73: Well what's the worse that can happen…

Haseo: THE AUTHORS!

00 Skeith1: Him.

Haseo: Which one is SeargentSousuke! (Evil aura radiating)

Authors: (Hand over the tied up seargent)

Haseo: My entire life has been completely destroyed because of you!

ChaosVirus: Don't I get any credit…

Haseo: Fine I'll kill you too.

ChaosVirus: IT WAS STEELPE333'S IDEA TO PUT YOU IN BED WITH ENDRANCE!

Haseo: YOU!

Steeple333: Why are we cowering? Don't we have uber author powers? CV make with the ice cream trucks.

ChaosVirus: Something's wrong.

Steeple333: What?

ChaosVirus: I don't have my uber author powers!

DoubleStriker73: WHAT!

00 Skeith1: This can't be happening, this can't be happening, this can't be happening!

TheChronologist:…………………………

Haseo: Then, I'm free! FREE TO KILL YOU ALL! Starting with the author who started the closet scene.

SeargentSousuke: AHHHH! Not that, if you kill me then I can't finish the story and you will be stuck in this fic!

Haseo: DAMN IT! Then give it an early ending.

SeargentSousuke: I can't without my author powers.

Haseo: Then we're are they.

-----------------------------------Space anomaly--------------------------------------------------

Sakaki: Sakaki do this and Sakaki do that. I'll become the supreme ruler one day. I mean all I want to do is make a world we're everyone is happy and there is no fighting. Perfect order compared to this insane chaos. I'm underappreciated. Hey what's this? A cloud of absolute concentrated author powers? KICK ASS! I'm the author now bitches!

.hack//Resident Fangirl…The Third!?

By

Sakaki

Sakaki: Oh yah! Who has awesome author powers? I do! Who can rule the world now? I can! Who has green hair? I do! Oh yah, kick ass. Now let's see. The plot is, is that Pi will take over the world, and Haseo will stop her because Pi ended his favorite program in the world, sailor moon Man that's lame. I know! Let's have an OrganizationXIII Rip off! The Emo-nization! Okay then. Yah. I mean they call themselves Nobodies. If that's not emo I don't know what is! And Atoli is the superemo (pun of superior)! Oh man no wonder authors like messing with our lives, it's so freaking fun. My first order of business should be to get the all back. What's the most ironic way to get back at the authors? I know!

--------------------------------------------Back with the authors-----------------------------------------------------

ChaosVirus: Are uber awesome powers….

Steeple333: Gone in a single flash…

DoubleStriker73: No more spoofing…

TheChronologist: No more messing with their lives…

00 Skeith1: And it's all seargent's fault…

SeargentSousuke: Shut up!

Haseo: Hey, what's with that rain cloud? It's raining…BRICKS, ICE CREAM TRUCKS, PRINNIES, AND EXPLODING LUCKY ANIMALS!

Authors: AHHH! (aimed at them)

Haseo: SWEET DEVINE JUSTICE! Whoever did this to them is a hero among us, a true saint worthy of ruling the world!

Aina: But now what. The space distortion is still open and pretty soon we're going to be dealing with a kingdom hearts-ish thing.

Haseo: NOT KINGDOM HEART! We're going to get sued again…

Aina: Yep…

Haseo: (falls asleep all of a sudden)

-------------------------Dream world----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Haseo: WTF!

Voice: Fear not, hold your heart steady and be strong.

Haseo: Oh skip this shit already!

Voice: You're rude. Fine, here's your keysythe.

Haseo: Shit shit shit! What kind of author would copy Kingdom Hearts! I mean the games already a collage of ridiculous stories already!

---------------------------------Back in the waking world-----------------------------------------------------------

Haseo: (wakes up)

Aina: Are we getting sued?

Haseo: Yep…

Kuhn: Ohh, but the only woman in Kingdom Hearts that even has a hint of rack is Larxene, and she's a nymphomaniac.

Haseo: Has anyone seen Atoli and the rest of the insanity brigade?

Kuhn: No.

Aina: Uh oh.

(Black robed people show up…)

Aina: Oh Aura, make it stop now!

Atoli: We are The Emo-nization. We are people that have no life.

Alkaid: What about me? Why am I in this?

Bordeaux: I agree. I have plenty of life!

Endrance: Black robes are so last season.

Tabby: Yah!

Shino: Emo-nization, that's a horrible pun.

Atoli: Well the author thought that the enemy should be Haseo's harem I suppose. We shall all band together to have Haseo!

Emo-nization: FOR HASEO!

Haseo: Why me! Dear aura why me!

Kuhn: So now we have to deal with Emo-nization, Pi taking over the world, and a space distortion!

---------------------Back in Space warp------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sakaki: He's right. As a new author I need to do everything I can to make these peoples life a living hell! I got it!

---------------------------Oh Morganna I don't like we're this is going------------------------------------------

Kuhn: What next!

Space Distortion: (Makes every woman in the world flat…)

Kuhn: No….No!

Aina: It's not fare…It's not fare…

Haseo: NOOOOOOO! SHINO'S CHEST!

Kuhn: Now, it's personal.

Aina: This madness has to end.

Haseo: I didn't think I could get so emotional over this…BUT I WILL KILL THE AUTHORS!

Authors: But we lost our uber awesome power!

Haseo: Then who is the nut doing all this!

Kuhn: Show him so that I might bring boobies back to the world!

Aina: Show your evil face!

Sakaki: (Warps in) Hello, guess who found a cloud of condensed uber awesome author powers!

Kuhn: HOW COULD YOU! You call yourself a man after doing this.

Sakaki: I'm a boy. And thank god I won't go through puberty now that I'm an author!

Aura: Amen to that!

Everyone: WTF!

Aura: Uhhh….I AM AURA (Vanishes in a puff of smoke)

Sakaki:…Anyway. I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT! (Makes a closet appear)

Haseo: (Screams like a little girl)

Closet: (shadow arms come out and try to drag Haseo in)

Haseo: HELP ME!

Kuhn: (grabs him)

Aina: (grabs him)

Sakaki: If you don't let go you will be dragged into the closet of perpetual fem-dom!

Kuhn: Later Haseo! (Let's go)

Aina: Have fun! (Let's go)

Haseo: MY SHRINK WILL HEAR FROM THIS! (Dragged in)

Sakaki: After all the wedgies, the wet-willies, the wise-cracks, after EVERYTHING he did to me. I GOT HIM BACK!

Haseo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Sakaki: Man, it's so fun to make people suffer when you have author powers.

ChaosVirus: I know.

Steeple333: Nothing like it.

TheChronologist: It's a past-time!

DoubleStriker73: A sport among sports.

00 Skeith1: Who holds the record though for doing the most suffering.

SeargentSousuke: Either me or CV.

Kuhn: Jeez, you all suck….GIVE ME BACK THE BOOBIES!

Aina: Now I'll never know what I'll have. DAMN YOU!

Sakaki: BWA-HA-HA! Live in a world with cleavage! (Disappears)

Kuhn: Let's go!

Haseo: MORGANNA KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

-----------------Chasing Yata down----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gaspard: Cool, we're getting screen time!

Silabus: It seems that while everyone is dealing with Sakaki, we have to figure out how to get Yata out of his trance and stop the distortion.

Sophora:…How do we go that?

Gabi: I'm Gabi :D

Sophora:…Sigh…Hey, my chest feels weird.

Silabus: You have a chest?

Sophora: I'm that flat…

Ovan: WE'RE IS AINA!

Silabus: Great, we're stuck with him…

Gaspard: Well, we should start by locating Yata.

Silabus: Now if I was a teacher obsessed with Pi, we're would I be?

Gabi: I'm Gabi :D

Ovan: LET ME SHOW YOU HOW THE SCARS ARE MADE!

Gaspard: That's right, he's with Pi!

Silabus:...Huh?

Sophora: Don't bother trying to make sense of it.

Gaspard: Now if Pi we're trying to take over the world, we're would she start? OH NO!

Silabus: What?

Gaspard: She would start….by destroying the card factories!

Sophora:…

Gaspard: WE MUST HURRY!

------------------Yu-Gi-Oh card company (In flames)-------------------------------------------------------------

Gaspard: NOOOOOOO!

Gabi: I'm Gabi :D

Gaspard: It's not fare….Now, it's personal.

Silabus: For you.

Sophora: Pretty much.

Ovan: DO NOT BE AFRAID!

Gaspard: Yah, but you all are the leftover characters that have nothing better to do then help me.

Sophora:…he's right.

Silabus:…Okay then. So we're is Pi?

Pi: (Exiting the burning building with Yata) That felt so good. (Still has her rack)

Yata: Nothing like burning cards. I wonder why I find it so pleasing though.

Pi: Because I made you feel that way.

Yata: Of course my focus of admiration.

Pi: Life feels good.

Gaspard: PI, WHY!

Pi: I can't have Yata having relapses.

Gaspard: But making him do these things is causing a huge space distortion!

Pi: Don't care.

Gaspard: We could all die!

Pi: If I'm with Yata in the end then it doesn't matter.

Gaspard: You're worse then Haseo's harem.

Pi: DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT!

Gaspard: Meep…

Pi: Next stop, the Digimon cards.

Yata: Why do I feel nostalgic about Digimon cards.

Pi: No you don't.

Yata: You're right, I don't.

Silabus: Jeez, she's in his head.

Sophora: Yah.

--------------------------------Back with the Authors----------------------------------------------------------------

Steeple333: HOW COULD WE LET SAKAKI GET OUR POWERS!

ChaosVirus: (being emo in a corner)

TheChronologist: I can't time warp anymore…

DoubleStriker73: We can't do anything anymore…

00 Skeith1: It's all Seargent's fault for breaking _the order_ and having Yata without a card fetish.

SeargentSousuke: I didn't know this would happen. How do you think I feel. Sakaki is using my closet power to make Haseo suffer. Let alone he zapped the whole world of cleavage…

DoubleStriker73: Wait, why was Pi unaffected?

00 Skeith1: Good question.

Authors: Hmmmm…

-------------------Kingdom Hack--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Haseo: (escapes closet)

Kuhn: Hey, you got out.

Haseo: No thanks to you.

Aina: We had to spare ourselves.

Haseo: I would have figured that you would want to go in there.

Aina: I like fem-dom…when I'm dominating…

Haseo: You can't judge a book by its cover then…

Kuhn: Now what?

Haseo: We stop the Emo-nization!

Aina: What about Sakaki…he….he…

Kuhn: It's okay Aina, its okay.

Aina: He took It all away.

Haseo: Can't you just read your yuri…

Kuhn: (Takes out stash of yuri) NOOOOO! He took out the boobies in the mangas too…

Haseo: WHAT! (Rushes home to Sailor Moon shrine to find it cleavage-less) My shrine…MY EVERYTHING! Sakaki will pay!

Kuhn: In the name of boobs everywhere!

Aina: Sakaki will pay for this!

Haseo: Agreed!

-----------------BONUS CHAPTER---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Azure eye for the living guy…

Azure Kite: WE'RE HEAR!

Azure Balmung: WE'RE QUEER!

Azure Orca: GET USE TO IT! Wait a minute! Azure Balmung I thought it was we're dead.

Azure Balmung: Yah, but it doesn't rhyme.

Azure Kite: But we're not queer.

Azure Balmung: Yah…about that…

Azure Kite:….You don't mean…

Azure Orca: Uhh…something you're not telling us.

Azure Balmung: Nope, just messing with you all.

Azure Kite: You suck!

Azure Balmung: HAHA! Besides if anyone here is queer its Azure Orca.

Azure Orca: Why me?

Azure Kite: You don't wear a shirt.

Azure Balmung: Hell, you don't wear pants!

Azure Kite: You spend all your time at the gym.

Azure Balmung: And we mean ALL!

Azure Kite: And you're always worrying about your hair.

Azure Orca: So I like to be healthy, so I have an odd sense of fashion, so I care a lot about my hair. Don't accuse me with so little info! What about you feather boy! I saw you the other day trying on make-up!

Azure Balmung: YOU SAW NOTHING!

Azure Kite: You're awfully defensive about this.

Azure Balmung: Well what about you Azure Kite!

Azure Kite: I made out with Azure Blackrose! Nothing queer about me!

Azure Orca: Damn it. All the way back at the beginning of this fic we were hoping to get girls and friends and Azure Kite is the only one who got a girl!

Azure Balmung: Where is the justice?

Azure Terashima Ryoko: There you are Azure Kite!

Azure Blackrose: Who is this hussy?

Azure Terashima Ryoko: Don't speak you mutt!

Azure Gardenia: AZURE KITE's MINE!

Azure Elk: Azure Kite, I have a confession to make.

Azure Mia: AZURE KITE, PREPARE TO DIE FOR TAKING AWAY MY ELK-CHAN!

Azure Natsume: I'm here to give myself to you Azure Kite.

Rachel: Oh Azure Kite, you didn't tell me your rich!

Azure Kite: AHHH! (Runs)

Azure Orca:…Okay, that works.

Azure Balmung: Yep…

End Transmission-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	12. Chapter 12

.hack//Resident Fangirl….The Third!?

Part 3: Kingdom Hax!

Antares: Previously on dot hax my neighbor is a Fangirl. Sakaki gained the uber awesome author powers and drunk on power made the world boobles. For some reason though Pi keeps her cleavage. Uhh, I need a drink…This is…NON-ALCHOHOLIC! NOOOO! DAMN YOU SAKAKI, YOU TOOK AWAY THE BEEEEEEEER! Wait…how come I still feel like I have a hangover…

Sakaki: You drink so much I had to make it non-alcoholic so you can do the preludes for this fic that NOW belongs to ME! Why, you should be having a hangover for the next forty years.

Antares: Can't you use that author powers to take it away?

Sakaki: Author powers can only be used to make people suffer. This was as close as I could get.

Antares: NOOOOOO!

--------------------------------The world that can't cut itself-------------------------------------------------------

Atoli: This is the perfect place for our base of operation!

Alkaid: What do we need this world for?

Bordeaux: Aren't we trying to capture Haseo and make him into our man-puppet?

Tabby: Yah.

Shino: Atoli, what is the giant beam cannon for?

Endrance: I don't like where this is going.

Atoli: Well you see while making Haseo ours (MINE) is on the agenda. Atoli-fying the world is also!

Alkaid: What?

Atoli: (Atoli-fies the bunch of them, turning them into annoying high-pitched happy people that are really emo on the inside)

Alkaid: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

Bordeaux: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

Tabby: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME NYA!

Shino: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

Endrance: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

Atoli: Like music to my ears. Who wants to go to number thirteen on my favorite places of all time?

The rest of them: ME ME ME!

--------------------------------------Pi and Yata-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Yata: I am obsessed with you Pi.

Pi: What else?

Yata: I stalk you Pi.

Pi: And?

Yata: I want to take pictures of you when you least suspect them and glue them to my Pi dolls.

Pi: Really?

Yata: Really.

Pi: That's the sweetest thing that's ever been said to me.

Gaspard: WTF!

Silabus: Like zoinks, that's some seriously creepy stuff, don't you think so scoob?

Sophora: R-yah, r-super r-creepy.

Gaspard:…Okay…

Ovan: SURPASS ME!

Gabi: I'm Gabi :D

Gaspard: I think the space warp got to Silabus and Sophora.

Silabus: Hey Scoob, hungry for some dog-food Scooby snacks, I know I am. Man, I must be seriously baked to be eating dog food, but it fits with my hippie persona.

Sophora: R-yah.

Gaspard: Uhh. Aren't we trying to stop Pi?

Pi: You can't stop me when I have Yata.

Yata: I covet you Pi.

Pi: Say that again.

Gaspard: Has it occurred to you that this love is more like a freakish obsession, he's treating you like he did his cards.

Pi: And how did he treat those cards…

Gaspard:…He washed them…he slept with them…he feed them…he worshipped them…

Pi: And now he does that to me.

Gaspard: But it's not love!

Pi: I love Yata. Why? I don't know. He never looked at me, he never called me by my actual name, he barely looked at me, I was like an invisible maid to him, but I love him with all my heart!

Gaspard: Maybe you love him because he was unavailable and now that he's yours you won't think the same way.

Pi: Yah right.

Yata: I'm staring at you Pi.

Pi: Stare all you want I'm yours!

Gaspard: Yata, why are you obsessed with Pi.

Yata: She is one-of-a-kind, limited edition, foil, one print.

Gaspard:…

Pi: Say it again.

Yata: (says it again)

Pi: I love you too!

Gaspard: This is some seriously messed up shit!

Silabus: You can say that again, right Scoob.

Sophora: R-yah, r-ehehehehe.

Ovan: THIS IS HOW THAT SCARS ARE MADE!

Gabi: I'm Gabi :D

-----------------Matsu---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matsu: I'm getting screen time, kick ass!

(Space distortion)

Matsu: I'm Matsu, got it memorized!

Atoli: Perfect!

-----------------Haseo, Kuhn, and Aina------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Haseo: Now what?

Kuhn: Well since we are doing a kingdom hearts thing we need to go to random worlds and do things for random strangers because it's rule number seven on the hero Boy Scout's handbook!

Aina: Can we skip that and get to what little story is in our Kingdom Hax rip…

Kuhn: Nope! Blast off! Next destination, fun and adventure!

Haseo: NO!

-----------------------Authors------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ChaosVirus: So, anyone got a plan on how to get our powers back.

Steeple333: Nope.

DoubleStriker73: Zilch.

TheChronologist: Nada.

SeargentSousuke: Can I be untied now.

Authors: NO!

ChaosVirus: What could Sakaki be doing about now?

--------------------------------Sakaki-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sakaki: I'm so drunk on author powers, How should I make people suffer, forgetting completely about my plans for global domination? I know! (Creates a giant speaker) Now for some music. (Puts in Britney Spears Hit me baby one more time)

------------------The World--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1/2: AHHH, THE HORRIBLE MUSIC!

Sayake: IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, MORGANNA HAS COME AHHH!

Morganna: Why am I the devil in this fic?

Aura: Because you put people in comas.

Morganna: Oh yah. Well you would too if someone was compromising your existence.

Aura: Probably, but I haven't been put in that possession.

Zeffie: Mommy, I think you're too old for this job. It's time for me to take over.

Aura: SKEITH, GET HER, DATA DRAIN ANYONE WHO GET'S IN YOUR WAY!

Skeith:…Oookaaaay….(chases)

Zeffie: You won't get away with this mommy (starts running)

Morganna: Now who's the devil…

Aura: Shut up.

Morganna: She's gonna stop you.

Aura: How?

-----------------The N00B Club---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Azure Kite: Damn it someone messed with out club sign again!

Azure Balmung: Face it, this world doesn't tolerate our kind.

Azure Orca: It's true.

Zeffie: Azure doods! I'll give you your youth if you help overthrow my mommy!

Azure Kite: DEAL!

Azure Balmung: DOUBLE DEAL!

Azure Orca: What happened to zombie pride.

Other Azures: WE WANNA BE SMEXY AGAIN!

Azure Orca:…Fine. Deal!

Zeffie: (Sucker punches every azure somehow making them young)

Kite: I'm…

Balmung: I'm…

Orca: I'm…

Other R1 people: I'm…

All together now: SMEXY!

Zeffie: Have fun! (Disappears)

Orca: What could tha-

Skeith: (data drains Orca) Who else want's some!

------------------------------------KINGDOM HAX!----------------------------------------------------------------

MCP: Is that the best a user can do!

Kuhn: Oh yah! Download this! (Floods the MCP with porn…sadly it's all flat, but you get the idea)

MCP: Ahh…ahhh….Make it stop…too much junk in the trunk…no…stop….AHHHHH!

Haseo: That felt anti-climactic.

Aida: Awesome Kuhn!

Kuhn: Giggity!

Tron: What an unorthodox way of beating the MCP, but that's what I like about you users.

Haseo: Enough Disney shit let's go!

------------------------------------Pi and Yata-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yata: I covet you.

Pi: Say it again!

Yata: I want you.

Pi: You're such a tease!

Gaspard: This is some messed up shit!

Silabus: OMG they killed Kenny!

Sophora: You bastard!

Gabi: I'm Gabi :D

Ovan: How many more will it take to satisfy the grim reaper within you.

Gaspard:…Think Gaspard, what's the one thing about Yata you can't change? (Looks up Yata in the dictionary)

Dictionary: Yata (Pro-noun) A system administrator for The World: R2. Chosen for the avatar Fidchell (See page 63476849). In fan fiction often portrayed as a card junky hounded by Pi.

Gaspard:…That's helpful.

Silabus and Sophora: GO TEAM VENTURE!

Gaspard: That space anomaly is doing a number on you two.

Silabus: (Get's into ninja stance)

Sophora: Let's help noobs!

Gaspard: Think Gaspard think!

------------------------------Spoofing R1------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kite: You are…Zeffie.

Zeffie: I see you got the postcard I sent you.

Kite: I didn't know we had a: Save me you noob postcard…

Zeffie: Now we do…anyway. It's too late….

Skeith: (appears) Yo! Uhh, I have to data drain you now…SUCKS TO BE YOU! (Data drains Zeffie)

Kite: NOOOO!

Skeith: I AM BADASS! Now I pwn you!

------------------------The Emo-Nization-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Atoli: Wow, that was a great "Why you shouldn't play video games" seminar!

Emo-nization: YEAH!

Atoli: And we got to Atoli-ize a lot of people!

Emo-nization: YEAH!

Atoli: And we have a new member.

Matsu: (sobbing between words) I (sob) don't (sob) want (sob) to (sob) be (sob) here (sob sob sob)!

Atoli: Say it…

Matsu: Got (sob) it (sob) Memorized (sob sob sob)!

------------------------------Somewhere else-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Haseo: WTF am I.

Aina: (lying on ground unconscious)

Haseo: OMG Aina…

Kuhn: She doesn't have her heart.

Haseo: Huh?

Kuhn: Play along, in order for the next part of the skit to make sense we need to do this scene.

Haseo: Oh…

Kuhn: (Takes out dark key-gun) It is I, Ass-hat, the seeker of porn!

Haseo: Tell me something I don't know.

Kuhn: Now, I shall free her heart from within you, LEAD ME INTO EVERLASTING PORN! (Swings Key-gun)

Haseo: (parries with Key-scythe) WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!

(Haseo pwns Kuhn)

Haseo: Now what?

Kuhn: You take my key-gun and go emo on your chest.

Haseo: Do I have to…

Sakaki: YES!

Haseo: Dumb author (does so)

Heartless Haseo: WTF, I'm a heartless, but why do I look the same?

Kuhn: Now Aina make him normal.

Aina: (does so)

Haseo: Well this was dumb as hell.

Aina: Watch it get dumber…

----------------------------------------------Emo-Nization------------------------------------------------------------

Atoli: And now, introducing our next member! Osehax!

Osehax: I'M EMO BECAUSE I'M NOT ME!

Atoli: That's right!

Osehax: MY HEART BELONGS TO ME!

Atoli: Think what you want. Now Matsu will start a relationship with Osehax that Fangirl will think as weird man-love.

Matsu: Do I have to.

Atoli: (Pokes him with a tazor rod)

Matsu: GOT IT MEMORIZED!

Atoli: That's what I thought.

-----------------------------Sakaki--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sakaki: My fic is coming along perfectly!

Steeple333: NOT FOR LONG!

ChaosVirus: Uh oh…

DoubleStriker73: She's getting that way again.

TheChronologist: RUN FOR THE HILLS!

SeargentSousuke: Way ahead of you (at the hills)

Sakaki: And what's a powerless author gonna do to me?

Steeple333: You can take away my powers, but you can't take away my _DESTROY SAKAKI_ instincts!

Sakaki: I AM SAKAKI!

Steeple333: You're who?

Sakaki: SAKAKI, ME SAKAKI!

Steeple333: You what?

Sakaki: SAKAKI SAKAKI SAKAKI!

Steeple333: You're who?

Sakaki: SAAAAAKAAAAAKIIIIIII!

Steeple333: I know, you're the paper boy!

Sakaki: NOOOOOOO, my powers, my author powers that I stole, what did you do?

Steeple333: Nothing really.

Sakaki: But, then we're the powers going.

Authors!!! OUR POWERS!

---------------------What ever happened to Saku and Bo?-------------------------------------------------------

Bo: Ah, the fresh air, the kind community, the warp hole in the sky, everything is good with the world. What's the massive pile of author power doing? (Get's zapped) I'M AN AUTHOR! And as my first order of business! (Splits in two!) I'm myself!

Saku: I'm myself!

Bo and Saku: WE'RE OURSELVES (Jump around in a circle)

Bo: Now I'm in charge!

.hack//…Uhh…don't have a title worked out…

By, Bo!!!

Saku: That's dumb! It should be like this!

.hack// FANGIRLS RULZ!!!

By, Saku!!!!!!!!!

Bo: NOOO! No Fangirls!

Saku: Yes Fangirls! And as my next order of business I will grow a cleavage and become the lolicon element in animes!

Bo:...How?

Saku: I will steal the ultimate cleavage!

---------------------Pi and Yata----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pi: I feel weird.

Gaspard: OMG YOU'RE FLAT!

---------------------------------------------------……….--------------------------------------------------------------

Bo: IT BURNS!

Saku: Hah! (trips over her new chest) How the hell can Pi walk around like this….

Bo: Well I'm gonna go be an author!

Saku: Not unless I can beat you to it!

---------------------------------More Kingdome Hax!---------------------------------------------------------------

Ass-hat: I am ass-hat, the seeker of porn!

Kuhn: OMG, I thought we were only using you once!

Haseo:…..

Ass-hat: Thank to the new authors I am now a full character!

Aina: Yah, but we are parodying the end of Kingdom Hearts, and if your parodying Ansem…

Ass-hat: Not if I have anything to do with it! Kingdom hearts! Fill me with the power of porn!

Haseo: I think we have officially lost it…

Aina: Just say the next line…

Haseo: Okay…Your wrong ass-hat, I know now Kingdom hearts…is Saturday morning cartoons with bad dub animes!

Ass-hat: NOOOO! THE HORRIBLE DUB! MAKE IT STOP!!!!! (Explodes)

Haseo: AHHH THE DUB!

Aina: MAKE IT STOP!

Kuhn: AHHHH!

--------------------------------God knows were-----------------------------------------------------------------------

SeargentSousuke: We're are we…..

ChaosVirus: Beats me.

Steeple333: Where is Sakaki…

TheChronologist: He's hiding behind the oddly placed bush there…

Steeple333: (Attacks)

DoubleStriker73: She's awfully violent today…

Ominous voice: SILENCE!

Everyone: meep

Voice: I am The God of critique! The enemy of authors everywhere! Now, thanks to this mishap, the author power has been sent to a little boy? That split himself in half and the author powers have been fragmented. And now everywhere authors are popping up! I mean I can't insult so many stories at once! Sure with those creepy guyxguy stories it's easy. But some of these are decent and with so many at once! I can't stand it! Not only that, but the fangirl powers are now out of whack since you broke another rule of _the way_ when you made Pi flat!

SeargentSousuke: There's a god of critiques! MY LIFE IS OVER! Wait, the Pi bit is not my fault.

God of Critique: SHUT UP YOU LOW KEY FAN AUTHOR! You need to get back those powers anf fix EVERYTHING…or else fanfiction as we know it will cease to exist!

Bonus Chapter---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How to be a good villain 101

Sephiroth: Hello class, welcome to how to be a good villain 101. Let's start with the basics, DON'T PISS OFF THE EMO DUDE!

Kuja: Screw that! DON'T PISS OFF THE PERV!

Sephiroth: EMO DUDE!

Kuja: PERV!

Hiiragi: OMG, who does your cloths!

Kuja: I do it myself.

Hiiragi: OMG! I LOVE IT!

Kuja: I do to! Finally someone with a sense of true fashion!

Sephiroth:…

Hiiragi: Why don't I invite you to my house for coffee after class. (walks out)

Kuja: I see no reason why not.

Sephiroth: Kuja, I didn't know you were like that.

Kuja: Like what?

Sephiroth: You know…gay.

Kuja: I'm what!

Sephiroth: GAY!

Kuja: I am not gay…

Sephiroth: Then you're actually straight? Never would have guessed it…

Kuja: I'm not straight either. I love one and only one person. Myself. I am beautiful, smart, cultured, and perfect!

Sephiroth: Well Hiiragi thinks you're gay…

Kuja: Oh well.

How to be a Hero 101

Cloud: Let's start with the basics, Fangirls. They will tarnish your reputation with yaoi and BL fanfiction. You have to deal with it. Also the stalkers will drive you crazy at times, but for they are ignorable to a level.

Zidane: Don't listen to him! Being a hero rocks! You get all the girls, and I mean ALL of them! You get the spotlight! I mean, you're the main char!

Cloud: Yah, maybe in fantasy land were they have anthropomorphic animals…

Zidane: I love catgirls!

Cloud: But this isn't fantasy land! We're in author land!

Zidane: (Gulps)

Aires: Cloud!

Tifa: CLOUD IS MINE!

Dagger: ZIDANE IF I FIND YOU WITH ANOTHER GIRL THEN I WILL SUMMON BAHAMUT ON YOUR TAILED ASS!

Aires: SAME HERE CLOUD!

Tifa: SCREW SUMMONING! I'LL KNOCK YOU INTO NEXT WEEK!

Cloud: (suddenly surrounded by the various girls of FF7)…

Zidane: (Suddenly surrounded by catgirls) Oh…

Cloud: QUICK, HIDE IN THE CLOSET!

(If you have been paying attention to my fic, you know were this is going…)

End Transmission-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


	13. Chapter 13

.hack//Resident Fangirl…The Third!?

Part 4: Oh lord…

Zelos: Welcome to Tales of News. Antares has recently come down with liver failure. You see, it was actually so use to the huge amounts of booze intake, that with no more alcohol it…well failed. Here with me is my recently flat co-anker, Sheena.

Sheena: Well since the world went flat there have been thousands upon thousands of divorces as well as suicides. Fanboy city has collapsed with there precious cleavage mountain unable to support them…Personally I Think this is the best thing ever! I don't have to worry about any of the boys peeking on me when I'm in the shower.

(Somewhere else)

Collette: WHAT!

Lloyd: Busted…

(Back to the news…)

Zelos: But your smexy facto has dropped!

Sheena: Screw that!

Zelos: (sigh) Anyway authors are popping up everywhere, Zeffie is overthrowing Aura, the emo-nization is Atoli-izing people, and the avatars have a new music video…

Sheena: What the hell.

------------Skeith vs. Kite take 2-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Skeith: HAHA! Behold! Now I have a scythe and floating swords of PWNAGE!

Kite: Oh yea! Well I have a nuclear missile!

Skeith:…what? (Nuked)

Kite: RENGEKI! DATA DRAIN!

Skeith: WTF! (Dissolves)

Kite: I PWN!

Cubia: (appears)

Kite:…Awe f-(censored)-ck.

Cubia: LOOK AT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kite: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

---------------------The god of Critiques-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

God of Critiques: You call this fanfiction a story! It's a piece of shit!

SeargentSousuke: Lord have mercy!

God of Critiques: No! You suck! All your work sucks!

SeargentSousuke: AHHHHH!!!!!

God of Critique: Now where is ChaosVirus?

ChaosVirus: (Hiding from the omnipotent)

Steeple333: Aren't we supposed to be trying to save fanfiction?

God of Critique: Not until I break all of your writing spirits!

DoubleStriker73: Then we will be leaving now.

TheChronologist: Right behind you!

-------------------------Emo-Nization---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Atoli: And that's our fifty-third brainwashing seminar! Who's up for emo-snacks, fruit snacks shaped like razors, knives, guns, and other things you can kill yourself with!

Emo people: ME ME ME!

Atoli: Hahaha! Sing my emo people sing!

Emo people: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME! NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME! NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

Atoli: (Prods Matsu with a tazor rod)

Matus: GOT IT MEMORIZED!

Osehax: MY HEART BELONGS TO ME!

Atoli: HAHAHA! At this rate the world will belong to me, an emo galaxy! The world will belong to me and then…HASEO WILL LOOK AT ME!

--------------------------Kingdom Hax: Chain of stupidity---------------------------------------------------------

Haseo: My memories are fading…

Kuhn: How big was Pi's cleavage?

Aina: I can't remember…

Nymphomaiax: HAHA! Your asses belong to me!

Kuhn: Okay!

Aina: Please be gentle.

Haseo: WHY! WHY AURA DO YOU CURSE ME LIKE THIS!

Nymphomaniax: Hmm, it's no fun unless they are unwilling, so I'll take leather boy here.

Haseo: Why me…

Kuhn: Yah, why you!

Aina: You hog too much Haseo!

Haseo: Have you two completely forgotten how much I want to kill myself when this happens too me!?

Kuhn: Yep.

Aina: Yah…

Haseo: AHH!

Nymphomaniax: Let's have some fun.

Pedophiliax: Ohh, a little girl. Come with me.

Aina: So this is how Haseo feels….KILL MEEEEE!

Kuhn: Wow…

Metrosexualx: Do you think this pink scythe goes with my pink hair?

Kuhn: Yah sure…

Aina: Metrosexual is pretty much closet gay…

Kuhn: SAVE ME, KILL ME, JUST GET ME AWAY FROM HERE!

Nymphmaniax: HAHAHA! We are the organized rape society! Welcome to castle oblivious!

Haseo: You're a nymphomaniac!

Nymphomaniax: Duh, captain obvious…

Kuhn: No wonder its called castle oblivious…

Haseo: When did you get here Kuhn?

Kuhn:…

Aina: Uhh, can someone save us before I end up the company of mister shield and child fetish.

Pedofiliax: Oh the innocence of youth! How I ADORE IT!

Aina: BROTHER! A MAN IS ABOUT TO RAPE ME!

----------------------Gaspard and co----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pi: I'M FIANALLY FREE OF MY RACK!

Yata: I still think you are one of a kind, and one print.

Pi: I love you too.

Gaspard: This is just wrong.

Silabus: It's just my style.

Sophora: This is a bad situation, zam.

Gaspard: (takes out x-ray brain analyzer and scans Yata)

Yata's brain: I love cards! I love cards! CardsPi! I love cards! I love cards! CardsPi! I love cards!

Gaspard:…okay…(points brain analyzer at Pi)

Pi's brain: LOOK AT ME YATA! LOOK AT ME!

Gaspard!!! Okay…

Silabus: Believe it!

Sophora: CHA!

Gaspard:…

Ovan: My brother senses…ARE TINGLING! SUPER SENTAI SILVER OVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IS ON HIS WAY AINA! (Warps)

Gaspard:….(point's brain analyzer at Gabi)

Gabi's brain: So he is mine, and in such bloody distance  
That every minute of his being thrusts  
Against my near'st of life; and though I could  
With barefaced power sweep him from my sight,  
And bid by will avouch it, yet I must not,  
For certain friends that are both his and mine,  
Whose loves I may not drop, but wail his fall  
Who I myself struck down.

Gaspard: Huh?

Gabi's brain: Huh! I mean I'm Gabi :D

Gaspard:….

------------------------------Castle Oblivious…Hey, You're reading this!---------------------------------------

Aina: Brother!

Ovan: AINA! (Signs Pedofiliax)

Aina: Ahh, brother is here (runs)

Ovan: GET BACK HERE AINA (chases)

Haseo:…Was that Ovan?

Kuhn: YES CAPATIN OBVIOUSE!

Nymphmanix: LET'S HAVE SOME FUN! YOU AN ME, I'LL LOVE YOU TO DEATH!

Haseo: You sound familiar.

Kuhn:….

Haseo: SOMEONE SAVE ME!

Kuhn: It's not happening…

----------------------Kite meets Helba--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kite: After beating Innis and handing Cubia's ass to it, we made it here to Net Slum.

Blackrose: Stop narrating you n00b!

Kite: Yes mam…

Helba: I am Helba, the principle of Net slum.

Kite: Ahh! School, the reason I play the world! 

Blackrose: (knocks out Kite). Tell us how to awaken the coma victims!

Helba: All you have to do is beat the ultimate AI…

Blackrose: Doesn't sound too hard.

Helba: In a staring contest.

Blackrose: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Helba: Okay, now being serious for a moment.

Readers: HAHAHAHA…serious…

Helba: Hey, this fic can get very serious!

Reader:…..

Helba: 0H Y43H, 1'M DUH QU33N B33 0F H4CK36Z 4N0 W111 PWN Y0U 411 W17H 1337 SP33CH!

Reader:….

Aura: They know too much! Phases DATA DRAIN!

Reader: (in coma now)

Aura: MAGUS, GET THEM!

Magus: But…what's the point I life. Without boobs, I feel so empty…

Aura: DATA DRAIN THEM!

Magus: Yes mam!

----------------------------------Authorz powerz----------------------------------------------------------------------

SeargentSousuke: So, how the hell do we fix this?

ChaosVirus:…

Steeple333:…

DoubleStriker73:…

TheChronologist:…

SeargentSousuke:…what?

Authors: IT'S YOUR STORY!

SeargentSousuke: THAT'S RIGHT! Knowing me, the only way to fix this is to do something stupid, asinine, crazy, and all around idiotic to fix all this!

ChaosVirus:…Get Haseo to do it.

Steeple333: And don't forget to involve Endrance!

TheChronologist: And a girl scout cookie recipe!

DoubleStriker73: And make it embarrassing!

SeargentSousuke: But…I still don't have me author powers back…

ChaosVirus: Then we must unite what little power we have left! EARTH!

Steeple333: FIRE!

TheChronologist: WIND!

Double Striker73: WATER!

SeargentSousuke: SADISM!

Voice: When your power combines I am CAPTAIN FANFICTION!

Song: Captain Fanfiction, he's a hero. Gonna take grammar down to zero!

--------------------------------------------Castle Oblivious…This is a .hack fanfiction-------------------------

Nymphomanax: (In a closet with Haseo…) HAHAHA!

Haseo: (Horace from yelling so much)

Metrosexualx: I'm not gay, I just act, look, and feel gay.

Kuhn: STAY AWAY FROM ME!

Ovan: GET BACK HERE AINA!

Aina: AHH! STUPID BIG BROTHER!

Haseo: How the heck do we beet these emo rapists!

Kuhn: With salad! (Pulls out a salad).

Metrosexualx: AHH SALAD (runs).

Nymphomaniax: AHHH (Runs)

Haseo:…That was just too random…

Kuhn: Don't argue with results.

----------------Kingdom Hax: Rebirth/Reverse---------------------------------------------------------------------

Endrance: I'm…alive? How did I escape the Atoli ray?

Voice: I saved you, and you can sleep here, forever between straight and gay.

Endrance: I thought it was light and dark?

Voice: Oh, okay.

Endrance: Well I don't want to!

Voice: Then you must face I! Ass-hat, the seeker of porn!

Endrance: Obsessing over porn is one thing…but out right shouting it…

Ass-hat: Shut up! Fight me!

Endrance: Bewared…you don't like me when I'm mad!

Ass-hat: Oh yeah! Prove it!

Endrance:…I can't…

Ass-hat: I knew it!

Elk: Have no fear, Elk is here!

Endrance: My past self! But how?

Elk: We're parodying Kingdom Hearts, nothing is beyond us!

Endrance: Yah, but you're a pathetic wavemaster…

Elk: PHA-RAI-DON! (Fries ass-hat, and Endrance) You're such a pansy…

Endrance: Oh yeah, at least I don't grow up to be me!

Elk: At least I'm not you at the moment…

Endrance:…Touché…

Elk: Get the hell out of here you pansy…

Endrance:…

------------------Kingdom Hax: Chain of Stupidity----------------------------------------------------------------

Namili: You need to sleep in here to get back your memories.

Haseo: Who the hell are you?

Namili: I am a spoof of Namine. Take out the -ne, and add the –li from Atoli and you get my name.

Kuhn: So does that mean you're the opposite of Atoli?

Namili: Yes. I am not emo, do not shout things, don't fall for losers, and independent.

Haseo: I'M YOURS!

Namili: Screw you loser and hit the sack…

Haseo:…

Aina: MUST RUN AWAY FROM BROTHER (Jumps in flower tube thing)

------------------------Pi and Yata-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gaspard: That's it! I have had enough of watching Yata make and even bigger idiot of himself. Yata, look what I have…PIE!

Yata's brain: Pi…Pie…Pi…PIE! I LIKE PIE!

Yata: PIE!

Pi: What did you do to him?

Yata: I'm looking at you Pie…

Pi: Is that any better…

Gaspard: No…but it's funnier!

Silabus: I'm Silabus :)

Sophora: I'm Sophora :)

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Gaspard:…Anyway. Pi, this is it! I challenge you to a duel!

Pi: What kind of duel?

Gaspard: A card duel!

Pi: Why?

Gaspard: If you beat me, I'll leave and then you can have Yata all to yourself.

Pi: DEAL!

Gaspard: Do you even have a deck?

Pi: No…(Rushes over to the ruins of Fanboy city to get cards)

Gasprard:…(3…2…1…0) OMG, I'M MISSING OUT ON FREE CARDS!

Yata: I covet you Pie…

Gabi: I'm Gabi…

--------------------------------.hack//INFECTED! Fidchell's prophasy-------------------------------------------

Kite: (pwns Fidchell) Man, that was easy thanks to you Wiseman.

Wiseman: (eating Pi) I can't help myself for some reason.

Blackrose: n00b…

Fidchell: Like a frenzied Fangirl that is in heat. An unseen wind of plague squeas across the border. Pandemonium, wailing, and stench of carnage fills the air. There is no place to run. No hope of escape. Those who are mourned will never return. The paws of time cannot be turned back.

Kite:…Okay…

----------------------------------------Pi and Gaspard Duel----------------------------------------------------------

Gaspard: I'm gonna win for sure! I play Dark Magician!

Pi: Brain control! Dark magician is mine! Celestial transformation! Summon and Tribute for Majestic Mech: Goryu! ATTACK!

Gaspard:…I lost?

Pi: That fast when you play with only 4000 LP. Now leave me alone.

Gaspard: I was beaten, usurped of my throne. I was bested…I finally found a match. PI I MUST HAVE YOU!

Pi: Drop 1200 tons and grow four feet before you ask me again…

-------------------Back with Gabi-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Silabus: I'm Silabus :)

Sophora: I'm Sophora :)

Yata: I'm Yata :)

Pi: What the heck?

Gabi: I'm Gabi :)

Pi: I'm Pi :)

--------------------------Emo-nization---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Atoli: Did we lose a member? Oh well. SING ME ME PEOPLE!

Emo people: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME! NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME! NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

-----------------------------------------------Captain Fanfiction------------------------------------------------------

Kids: Crunchatize me captain!

Captain Fanfiction: Sorry, wrong guy. Do you know were I can find infected authors?

Kids: (point)

Infected Author: I know! Let's throw exploding penguins at the protagnoist!

Captain Fanfiction: AUTHOR DRAIN!

Infected Fangirl: NEED MORE BL!

Captain Fanfiction: Oh hell naw! FANGIRL DRAIN!

More infected people: NEED MORE (whatever)!

Captain Fanfiction: I have my work cut out for me…

------------------Saku and Bo------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saku: Behold! I have the only rack in the world (trips).

Bo: You're not strong enouph to hande such a rack.

Saku: Am too! (trips)

Obiwan: Use the force!

Saku: Let's stay out of the star wars territory.

Bo: Why do I feel like the bubest thing ever is about to happen. And when I say that I'm talking about borderline south park.

Saku: I don't know.

Saku's left bosom: Don't listen to him.

Saku's right bosom: Kill him and abosrob his powerz.

Bo: I knew it…

---------------------------------------------KINGDOM HAX 2------------------------------------------------------

Matsu: GOT IT MEMORIZED!

Osehax: Too many prods?

Matsu: Yah. Okay we're going to reenact the Axel vs. Roxas scene.

Osehax: (goes dual key-scythe)

Matsu:…MOTHER(cesored)ER. As if Roxas wasn't baddass enuph with two key blades! BUT THIS IS JUST OVER THE TOP PURE PWNAGE! I am so pwned…

Osehax: Yep. (pwns).

Matsu: The pain…nothing on earh can compare to this. (bricks rain on him)

Osehax: We havent done that gag in a while.

(The room with Haseo in flower thing)

Osehax: What the?

Taihaku: (wearing red bandages) You must become one with him!

Osehax: No, my heart belongs to me!

Taihaku: But Haseo lacks a heart for you to spawn from.

Osehax: Oh…Well…SCREW YOU!

Taihaku: No thanks.

Osehax: I want to be an individual! I refuse to go out like that pansy Roxas who just gave up! I'M ME!

Taihaku: WRONG! YOUR HIM! Now except absorption and become nothing like the good emo boy you are.

Osehax: Fine…

Taihaku: YAYZ!

-------------------------------------Emo-nization----------------------------------------------------------------------

Alkaid: Superemo! Osehax has become one with Haseo and NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

Atoli: Oh well, Haseo will look at me yet!

Alkaid: NOBODY EVER LOOKS AT ME!

---------------------------.hack//INFECTED-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kite: (fighting cubia) HOW THE HELL DO I FIGHT THIS THING!

Balmung: Attack the cubia core?

Blackrose: That's floating above your head.

Kite: Why does it show me in the fetal possision?

Blackrose: So that .hack fans would confuse cubia for azure kite in the gu games, duh…

Balmung: That makes sence.

Kite: Okay then.

Cubia: LOOK AT ME!

Kite: AHH! THE GLASS SHATTERING VOICE!

Balmung: HOW THE HECK!

Blackrose: AHHH!

Aura: I told you giving Cubia Atoli's voice would make it idestructable.

Morganna: According to thetimeline this is the second time they fight it. That means they beat it once already.

Aura: Shut up you old hag.

Morganna: WHY I OGHTA! If I had the phases back they would be all over your ass!

Aura: I'm calling child protective services! Threatening to rape me with phases.

Morganna: Wait, that didn't come out right!

Child protective cervices: Child protective services. We're is the mother.

Aura: (points to Morganna)

Morganna: DAMN YOU AURA!

Aura: Finally I'm rid of that hag.

Cubia: (beaten)

Aura: WHAT!

Kite: Tim to move on to the fifth phase!

Aura: I'm running out of phases.

--------------------------------------------------The world that cut itself--------------------------------------------

Haseo: Wow, a few intermissions and we're already here!

Kuhn: That means we're almost over with this Kingdom Hx crack!

Aina: YAY!

Haseo: (Sees Osehax) Who are you?

(field changes to the top of some tower with Haseo on it)

Osehax: I will pwn you!

Haseo: Actually in KH2 this is just a scene.

Osehax: Two things. 1) This is not KH2. 2) We're actually spoofing KH2:FM+ We're Roxas is a boss fight…

Haseo: Oh shit…

Osehax: DUAL KEY-SYTHE BITCHES!

Haseo: Freaking basterd!

Bonus Chapter-----------------------------------------------------Endrance meets his alternate VA personas!

Endrance: I finally made it out of castle obliviouse! But we're am I?

Lezard: That's a nice body.

Endrance: Thanks?

Lezard: Could be better! I have the perfect one somewere.

Endrance!!! (runs)

Chuck: Everyone around me dissapears!

Endrance: Who the hell are you?

Chuck: The most freaking badass Golem Hunter you'll ever meet!

Endrance:…Have fun. (runs)

Dist: Oh Jade, will I ever have you.

Endrance: I can relate. My Haseo wont admit our love.

Dist: I concur. So what if I tried to kill him a couple times.

Endrance:…(Runs)

Akihiko: I must get stronger.

Endrance: Why?

Akihiko: I have nothing better to do. I should be focusing on my school work but instead I spend my time training.

Endrance:…

Akihiko: (takes out a gun-ish looking thing ad points at self)

Endrance: EVERYONE HERE IS A FREAKING NUTJOB! (Runs)

Ingway:…

Endrance: What now…

Ingway: (Turns Endrance into a Pooka)

Bonus Chapter---------------------------------------------------------------------------The big whole in the sky

Random Player #1: Aweosme! We're getting screen time here! We're officially famous!

Random Player #2: That means I'm dating an idol!

Random Player #1: (Punches Random Player #2) No we're not.

Random Player #3: I'm guessing this is because of the giant whole in the sky.

Random Player #4: I like to stick things up my holes.

Random Player #3!!!

Random Player #1: Why is he here….why…

Random Player #2: To think we thought we escpaed hell…

Random Player #3: Actually, that might work. We can clog up the hole in the sky with something.

Random Player #1: What's that big?

Random Player #4: KATAMARI DAMASHI!

Random Player #2: What the f- (rolled into the Katamari)

Random Player #1: Freed- (rolled into the Katamari)

Random Player #3: I know wher this is going…(rolled into the Katamari)

Random Player #4: WHEE! (Rolling the Katamari…)

Bonus Chapter---------------------------------------------------------------------------------Avatar Music Video

Skeith: Word up bitches! This is the avatar rap! Say hay!

Audience: HAY!

Skeith: SAY HO!

Audience: HO!

Skeith: SAY DATA!

Audience: DATA!

Skeith: SAY DRAIN!

Audience: DRAIN!

Skeith: Duh name is skeith! I put those sinigami punks from bleach in there place. I'm the true of death and duh master of duh mike! Cross me bitches and your ass is mine!

Innis: My name is Innis, it rymes with chillin. Look at me and I'll send you to the himalayaz. Don't look at me and I'll send you to the dentist!

Magus: Send duh hos to me, cause Im the master of the woman! Pimps got no name when I'm in town they become bitches!

Fidchell: Fidchell the name, player the game. See no evil, master of the ryme. Craps on the sidewalk, take all the bling. You aint seen nothing till you see me gleam!

Gorres: Representin the twinz, aint got a thing. The names is Gorre, let me hear you sing it!

Audience: GORRE! GORRE! GORRE! GORRE!

Gorres: That's my game.

Macha: Girlz gotta know one thing. Handel your man out on the scene. My name is Macha, I aint no grandma. Take an inch? I'll send you for a mile.

Tarvos:……………………

Corbenick: Master of birth, send you to the end. I'm duh master of the 411 scene. Corbenick, hear you scream. This is the song. Brothus and Sistus sing it!

Audience: (Applaud)

God of critiques: That was just awful. The only one of you that did remotely well was Tarvos.

Skeith: But she did nothin!

God of critiques: That's the point.

End Transmission-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


End file.
